Ever Have One of Those Dreams???

Have you ever had one of those dreams that grips you on such an emotional level that you wake up gasping, hyperventilating, shaking, or crying?  And as soon as your rational mind takes control, you realize your dream was so utterly silly that it makes you sort of giggle?  Yet the giggle is hollow...because as silly as the dream was, it still causes your heart to race and your muscles to tense up just thinking about it but you don't know why??

Yeah.  Me neither.

Last night, I tossed and turned from 4am to 6am, fighting what felt like the worst nightmare of my life....  Mr. Possibility was marrying a pregnant Kourtney Kardashian after only knowing her for 4 short days! (You know how those bitches roll...quick as hell to the alter.)  He was going to marry a Kardashian two and a half painfully short months after I offered my heart on a platter and it was turned away.  In part of my dream, he was even wearing a matching suit and fedora with Mason, carrying him around like a proud father already.  In my dream, I simply smiled, wished him luck, and walked to a private area to absolutely sob. Gut wrenching sobs.

I woke up hyperventilating in a real-life panic attack.

I was real life panicing over Mr. Possibility and Mason Kardashian-Disick wearing matching fedoras!!

WHA???  [Insert laugh track here.]

It is so stupid.  So incredibly unrealistic.  And yet my chest is tight even writing about this.

They say that our dreams are thought fragments that our brain processes and excretes, like your brain's bowel movement.  They often hold no meaning.  However, this dream clearly struck a cord in me at a deeply unconscious, emotional core.

Apparently, I needed some silly dream to remind me that it sucks to always be the last girl that the men I date are with before they find their wives.  And now, even worse, what if everyone who I want to be with doesn't want to be with me because I am not sure that I want to have kids.
(ed note: yep, just figured out the meaning of my dream...as I wrote that last sentence I accidentally broke out sobbing.  Apparently my new worst fear is not just that I am unloveable, but also that my lack of maternal instinct is what will continue to make me unloveable.  Ouch.)


SO yeah... those kinds of dreams are weird, huh?

"Surviving Single" Lesson 1: Cold & Flu Season

This week I have through the true torture test of being an independent, single girl.  While I love my life most days of the year, there is always at least 1 week of the 52 that I curse my (impossibly?) high standards/poor taste in men and just wish that I had someone to take care of/wait on me...COLD & FLU SEASON.

I am a total baby when I am sick...I make random noises when completing the most menial tasks because whining and groaning just feels like the right thing to do.  I cry out to Bitchy Little Rat Dog, begging her to make me some soup or pick up my prescriptions.  Then, I mutter to myself in the aisles of the drug store as I think aloud about my decision to purchase name brand vs. generic.  My standard uniform is "college student meets hippie hobo:" scrubs/sweat pants, concert tees, decorative socks, and a knit cap to hide my naturally curly (80s perm-style) hair that I last washed 3 days ago.   I literally look like the walking dead...

If you haven't gotten sick this year, then please pay attention now so that none of this happens to you!  I present you with my next "HauteMess How To Column" that I would like to call:


Surviving Single: Cold & Flu Season Edition


If you are single (or in a long distance relationship), please learn from my mistakes and PREPARE NOW!

1. Stock Your Pantry:
There are comfort foods that we all gravitate to when we are sick ... so stock up now! If you have a small kitchen, keep these in a box in your closet labeled "Emergency Sick Rations."  Trust me! When you wake up with a fever and snot that just won't quit, you will not want to throw on shoes and a coat to run to the nearest store.  So just add some of your go-to sick kid staples to your grocery list now:  whatever mom made you AND whatever you wished she would make you but she insisted was bad for you! (like anyone ever died from eating sour patch kids when they had bronchitis)

HauteMess Approved Rations include lots of:
- Multiple flavors of Gatorade
- Coca-Cola (real! not diet...nothing tastes better)
- Soup (I am currently in love with Amy's Vegan "Not Chicken Noodle" Soup)
- Oyster crackers,
- Popsicles (the popsicles may not do so well in a box in your closet...so you my want to freeze them)

2. Stock Your Medicine Cabinet:
Same logic from above applies here...by the time you are a hacking mess, you will not feel like buying cough syrup.  SO, load up already!  Keep it in the "Sick Rations" box.

I highly recommend loading up on the following:
- 2 bottles of Cough syrup (trust!)
- Acetaminophen
- Dayquil gelcaps or some other multi-symptom equivalent for day time
- Benadryl to help you sleep at night if you are not using cough syrup (same active ingredient as Unisom or the sleep aid in Tylenol PM)
- Pepto-bismal
- Cough drops
- Lots o' Kleenex (the kind with lotion, trust me!)
- Vaseline (in case you don't buy kleenex with lotion, your nose will need it)
- Neti Pot
- Extra tampons (if this seems random to you, then your birth control stands up better to the Z-pak than mine...plus, its just nice to always have an extra stash)

3. Load Your Queue:
Netflix, Stack of DVDs, Amazon Kindle Books, your Local Library's online books (avoid public hard copy books for the sake of all those who will touch that book after you).  Whatever it is that you like to do when you are sick, SAVE SOME!  I have watched so many episodes of Golden Girls in the past few weeks that it just didn't satisfy me as a "sick day" activity.  I ended up calling Time Warner Cable and ordering a $30/month premium movie channel package. (I am now caught up on Shameless and House of Lies on Showtime, thank you)  I could have avoided this fate had I just kept 10 hours of sacred shows on my Netflix Queue.

4. Comfort In The Little Things:
Today, I was desperate enough to nap on an uncomfortable air mattress in the spare room because my room is too bright & hot in the afternoons.  I highly recommend ear plugs and eye masks.  Sleeping at all hours of the day is not only encouraged, but necessary.  But unfortunately, your neighbors/delivery trucks/construction workers may not be aware that the world should be revolving around you.   Other small comforts include: dryer-fresh sheets and blankets, a special "sick" mug that you can drink soup or tea from depending on time of day, and fun slippers or socks that make you smile as you laze around the house all day.


A Note on Flu Shots: If you don't get flu shots - I understand!  I never get flu shots.  One year when there was a shortage, the government told me that only old people and babies needed the flu vaccination, and I am still holding them to that.  And Jenny McCarthy claims that it will make me autistic.  SO - I usually ignore the banners Walgreen's hangs up and go along with my life.   My current illness is an upper respiratory infection gone rogue and turned into a sinus infection that is slowly trying to take over my bronchial tubes...so not even a flu shot could have helped with this.

Shocking Confession: I Just Remembered Why My Kitchenware Sucks

Mismatched to the max

My kitchen is a cornucopia of hand-me downs, second hand store purchases, and flea market finds from back in my collegiate days.  I have been using a set of pots and pans my dad bought in an estate sale 9 years ago...who knows how old they were when the old lady croaked.  If I ever need something new, I raid my mom's kitchen.   Yes, at age 29, I still steal from my mother's kitchen when I need a new wire whisk or a food processor.  WHY? Because she doesn't cook, anyway.  She has never missed a single thing I took!  And honestly, she doesn't mind.  Her only request thus far is that I don't take her meatloaf pan because she plans to maybe make it "next week." (note: she still hasn't made that meatloaf...and it has been months)

Yes, those are disposable shot glasses...

It wasnt until I got really into cooking recently (part of my whole vegan transition) that I started realizing how woefully mismatched and often shitty my kitchen gadgets are. I thought to myself, "Why haven't I replaced any of this shit in the past 8 years?"  And then it hit me...

When I was 22 and moving to Cincinnati, I had a brilliant idea to save money while furnishing my apartment... "Why pay for new kitchen stuff when I will just register for it all when I get married?!"

Yes.  I JUST realized that my kitchenware sucks because I have been waiting to get engaged and register at Bed, Bath, & Beyond for the past 7 years.  Pathetic.  #singlewhitegirlproblems

So now, I am starting small, but little by little I will replace my entire kitchen with awesome kitchen goods (but only the practical kind...because who REALLY needs a waffle iron?).  I finally give up on waiting for other people to give me gifts, and leading the charge to make my kitchen look like someone besides a hobo lives here.


Next up: Towels.  I am still using the towels I got as a HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION GIFT. (My initials may or may not be monogrammed on them)

Valentine's Day: A Survival Guide

Valentine's Day is very possibly the most disappointing day of the year for most people.  Those who are coupled up are subject to impossibly high expectations set by movies and commercials.  Those who are single are told to feel lonely and sad by those same industries.  To which I say, "Go fly a fucking kite! I don't give a shit about being single; this will still be an incredible day!"

In my 29 years on this Earth, I have a losing record with Valentine's Days...but I remain optimistic! And here are my secrets to survival:

Surviving Valentine's Day: A HauteMess How-To

1. Set expectations low.  If you have been disappointed in the past, channel those feelings...remember how bad the day can be.  If you have never had a bad V-Day, read all about mine and feel lucky.  By setting your bar REALLY low, it is almost impossible to be disappointed. (Just don't stand too close to open flames, do NOT call your ex, and if there is a chance that George Clooney is in your town, always wear a bra!)
2. Play dress-up. I am talking costume jewelry, red lipstick, and as many pink things as you own.  This tip is all about deflection - you never have to talk about your love life if the only thing people are talking about is how great/festive you look or just your choice to wear sequins before noon.   
3. Buy yourself a gift BEFORE Valentine's Day. Give yourself a gift and wear it/use it all day on V-Day.   You can rock your new lust-worthy shoes and sparkly earrings all day to make the other ladies jelly as all the other ladies stew in anticipation to unwrap some disappointing box of chocolates. (After all, who knows your tastes better than you!)  I will be wearing my new pink oxfords with my new pink gingham button-up all day Tuesday. (They will be paired with red lipstick and vintage rhinestone earrings in accordance to Survival Tip #2 above)
4. Make plans with friends.  The day is about LOVE.  I love my friends.  I don't need to be sucking face with some guy to feel loved and blessed.  This year, a very pregnant Madame MarriedMess, Senorita CalienteMess, and I will be going to a restaurant with a delicious 5-course menu!  Our goal is to confuse our waitress, like in SATC Movie when Carrie and Miranda went to dinner for Valentine's Day and the waitress referred to Carrie as the "girlfriend."  If we can convince anyone that we are a lesbian threesome awaiting the birth of our first child, we win! Plain and simple: we. win. 
5. Champagne.  As you know, I love champagne so very much!  I believe there can never be enough champagne occassions. Bubbles make everything better. Toast to yourself and an amazing year ahead of you!  
6. Golden Girls: Season 4, Episode 15....WATCH IT. 

Do you have any other tips to making it an awesome day?

RIP Whitney Houston

Another talented musician gone too soon.  Whitney Houston lit up the world equally when she belted out timeless ballads and dance club favorites AND when she told Bobb-ay Brown to "Kiss mah ass!"

Whitney is a legend.  Her sad story is marred by drug use and "Being Bobby Brown. " (remember when they openly discussed her "cure" for constipation? vile.), but let us remember Whitney for her unparalleled talent.  She made more music and won more accolades (according to the Guinness Book of World Records, she holds more trophies than any other pop star) than any of the modern day wannabes. (See: Lana Del Ray's miserable fail at recreating the magic of Whitney's 1994 Grammy Performance, below)

You will be missed, Miss Houston. Rest in peace.

A side note to Lindsay Lohan: Take Whitney's famous words to heart, "Crack is whack." Or else, Amy Winehouse and Whitney will be welcoming you soon.

The First Date Rating System

First dates are awkward. They sometimes turn out to be okay, but rarely do they turn out better than a night with a good book or the Golden Girls DVD box set.   Therefore, I have devised a rating based on a 10 point scale...5 is the highest score you can have on a first date.  Why? Because let's be honest, finding out where people grew up and what they do for a living sucks.  (Unless it is someone with a really cool accent or a famous person)  A 5 out of 10 is a VERY good score for a first date in my books! Or maybe I am just doing it wrong...but here is the way I see it: (based on true stories)

1 = HELL "God this guy is creepy...I think I will take a different route home tonight and park in front of a neighbor's house, just in case."
2 = I WOULD RATHER KISS MY DOG "I was so not attracted to him that every time he leaned in, I instinctively moved away.  When he texted me after the date, I cringed."
3 =  WASTING MY TIME "Almost a total waste of my time. I now know where he was born and raised, how he felt about high school, why he is in Cincinnati, why he left his last job, his past three relationships, and he has asked me exactly one question: What would I like to drink. He ate three times as much as me and let me pay for half... it would have been a total waste of time has I not enjoyed the sushi so much.
4 = I KNOW THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL, BUT... "Is he gay? I think he likes penis more than me...but he is so good looking, I should probably go out with him again to figure it out.
5 = MEH. "He is nice.  He doesn't make me feel any negative feelings.  I guess I'll see him again."

So go forth, have first dates, and rate them accordingly!

(And for reference: in my book, THIS is a 10.)

A Good Reason To Turn Down A Date...

As I mentioned in my last post, online dating requires a level of effort that I am not always willing to put forth.  Tonight I turned down a date with a 39 year old bald dude because I had been planning on painting my nails after pilates. True. Story.

I know it may sound lame, but I have been looking forward to it!  Plus, if he had asked me out with more than 24 hours notice, I probably wouldn't have scheduled at-home manicure time.  So I am not the bad guy here!

PLUS, this isn't just any manicure...I am deciding between the most epic options of all: TUXEDO VS. MUSTACHE!  In my Christmas Gift Guide, I alluded to the fact that I have moved on from the mustache back to the tuxedo....until I saw these!  And now I just can't decide between a Zooey Deschanel-inspired tuxedo mani or the always hilarious mustache mani.  THIS is why I just can't go on any date. #singlewhitegirlproblems

What do you think?
(Bonus: most photo links take you to the corresponding "how to")

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Well, This Isn't Good News...

A month ago, I joined Match.com in an effort to meet more people, cast a wider net, and maybe have something (someone) to look forward to every week.  However, Match.com's annual Singles Survey just revealed what I have long felt (but felt somehow guilty admitting) ...  most single people are happy how they are.  40% aren't sure that they want to get married and 27% are sure that they do not want to get married. Only 12.7% of singles are actively looking for a relationship, but 46.8% aren't looking but would be open to it if they met the right person.

NEAT.

This strikes an interesting cord with me because of 2 major points:

1. I do want to get married...someday. Knowing that only 1 in 3 single guys feels the same way is terrifying.
2. But if I don't get married, that's totally fine.  I love my life.  I actually feel a little awkward on dating websites because I feel like it somehow communicates that I am not happy with my life.  I AM happy, though.  But sometimes I feel lazy or guilty for not "trying harder" to meet someone. 

Right now, my behavior falls somewhere in that 12.7%, but I really feel more like the 46.8% who just want the right person to come along naturally.  I truly want to be in a relationship again, but I don't want to have to try so hard to find it.  I want a Hollywood "meet cute." [a meet cute is a situation in which a future romantic couple meets for the first time in a way that is considered adorable, entertaining, or amusing] I always thought my "story of how we met" would be adorable and unique and engaging.  BUT - I know that isn't very realistic, so somehow I have guilt tripped myself into joining the online dating world.

Now, I have cancelled 2 dates last minute because I would rather cook at home and watch The Golden Girls, and I only successfully went on one Match date. I can recap that date for you in one sentence:  He didn't make me feel any negative feelings.

That's it. Not exactly a meet-cute...why do I do this to myself?!

For reference...some of my favorite meet cutes:

My Favorite Thing About The Super Bowl...The Commercials!

In the past, I attended parties just so I could participate in the societal norm of pretending to be interested in a Football game so that I could watch and discuss the awesome commercials with the other football virgins in the room.  However, YouTube has allowed me to forgo those old formalities, have the Best Sunday Ever (a.k.a. last year's trip to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter), AND still pay homage to the most watched event of the year...Super Bowl Commercials!

[Please note: I won my Fantasy Football league this year...so Football is not totally lost on me...but I do enjoy the irreverence of NOT watching the game even more than donating 4 hours of my life that I will never get back to two teams that I don't really care about]

Today, I walked Bitchy Little Rat Dog to our neighborhood park so I could swing in the 50 degree weather (the swing set has a swing so high that my feet don't even reach the ground - so fun!), I engaged in a Vegan Cookie Bake Off with Mr. GayMess, I watched hours of Golden Girls Season 4,  and then -- I went to YouTube's adblitz channel and took part in my favorite part of Super Bowls: laughing, crying, and critiquing commercials.

 Here is my personal "Best Of" list:

It is like Toyota stole my dream diary and made all of my wildest come true...I want EVERYTHING they  joke about inventing! (everything except a Camry...I love my Maxima) That blender needs to happen...like NOW!


If you have been feeling a little uninspired in the bedroom...watch this David Beckham commercial on repeat until it is burned in your brain. As long as you can close your eyes and picture this, you will never need to fake it again...


I loved the Volkswagen commercial last year with the little Darth Vader...but this one is just as good! A good dog commercial is enough to tug at my heart strings...I felt sad, I giggled, and I felt triumphant with this pooch! Overall, an amazingly crafted commercial!


Ferris Bueller is BACK! Although Matthew Broderick is a little older, fatter, and slightly dead behind the eyes now...I will NEVER turn down a Ferris Bueller montage. I LOVED this!


Apparently, this year's Commercial Theme is 90's TV revival. From Seinfeld to Stamos...the 90s are alive, well, and funny!



I actually LOL'd at the 18second mark...plus it's kind of neat to see all of the people who invented the apps and programs that I use on a daily basis.


What did you think of the commercials??

Hope you all enjoyed your Sunday, however you chose to celebrate!  (And congrats to any Giants fans out there!)

Punxsutawney Phil Can Suck It

It is official...global warming has fried Punxsutawney Phil's circuits.  That silly groundhog came out of hiding yesterday (probably wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying sunblock) to tell us all that winter will last for 6 more weeks. Really Phil?!  Have you BEEN OUTSIDE LATELY?

I have news for Phil... Winter basically ended last week here in Cincinnati.  It has been almost 60 degrees every single day and the forecast through next week is calling for highs in the 50s each day.  It is basically spring already!

Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that the consequences of this faux spring may result in some type of nuclear winter in May...but for now, color me and Bitchy Little Rat Dog happy! (That bitch hates the snow...it's usually taller than her, which makes squatting difficult)  The warmer weather and brighter sun has done wonders for my mood.  I am no longer hibernating in a fluffy blanket nest.  I am taking BLRD on more walks.  I am actually going on dates!  It has renewed me!

Therefore, it has been decided that BLRD is applying for the job as Head Punxsutawney Weather Bitch.  If elected, we promise the following changes to Groundhog's Day:

- Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell will attend EVERY year until the end of time...no exceptions.
- The Emcee will not be the only one in a tuxedo, BLRD will wear a Tuxedo T-Shirt to show her respect, as well.
- Even if the sun is shining brightly, BLRD promises to consult the national weather department before making any "shadow claims."
- Gobblers Knob (yes, the location of Punxsutawney Phil's comings and goings is actually called Gobbler's Knob) will host a huge party after the "shadow report" including champagne, cake, cake flavored vodka, vegan queso, and whatever else I am obsessed with that year....but access will only be granted to people who dress like this guy:

Happy Faux Spring Everyone!  See you next winter! (a.k.a. in 2 weeks...probably just in time to snow me in on Valentine's Day...)