Thursday, October 11, 2012

Farewell...for now.

We need to talk.  I have been thinking about this for a long time, and it's not you; it's me.

Like any relationship, when I first started this blog, everything was exciting and new.  (My first comment! My first link back!  My first 100 followers! My first blog award!) I couldn't ever imagine giving it up.  I remember reading the goodbye posts from many of my fellow bloggers - women I adored - and wondering why on earth they would ever give up something so wonderful.   But now I understand.

When you start a blog to tell stories about yourself, especially embarrassing stories about drinking and's not sustainable.  When I started this nearly 3 years ago, I had YEARS of built up blog material.  My friends had years of hilarious tales to share.  And as it turned out, we used up most all of those stories within the first two years.

Then when my dad got sick last year, my life obviously changed.  I stopped going out.  I became a little less silly and a lot less inspired.

For the past year, my writing has been floundering - uninspired, non-committal, and intermittent.

Maybe I outgrew this blog. Maybe my big milestone was making it to age 30 without dying. (as my often used tag: "i may die before i turn 30" would suggest)  Maybe my blog was only really fun when I had an active dating life. (I haven't been on a date in 10 months...)  Maybe I just still need time to heal after my father's death - so that those #singlewhitegirlproblems (a.k.a. #futurespinsterproblems) - seem important enough to write down again.

But anyway you look at it, I have let this blog/hobby/passion go.   And in an effort to respect this relationship, I think I need to break things off.   I know there will be days that I regret this...and I doubt that this will be the last time you hear from me.  But for now, and for the near future, I am taking a break.

I will miss this a lot - Even if we never met in person...or if you were my best friend providing me with endless material...or if you were just a silent reader who stuck with me...   You were a part of my life these past few years - and for that, I thank you.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Just When I Thought I Was Making Better Decisions...

So....I drank a bottle of wine and impulsively took home a rescue dog last night. NOT my best decision ever.
Introducing Miss Zelda Fitzgerald
She is a 3 year old Cavalier King Charles who was rescued from a pet hoarder...her name was Lady Jasmine. So naturally I am changing it to Zelda Fitzgerald. ;)
(reader note: Bitchy Little Rat Dog's real name is Coco.  As in Coco Chanel.  I know, I know...obnoxious) (But doesn't "Coco & Zelda" sound like a hilarious duo of bitchy pups??  Bonus: pairing the name Coco Chanel with Zelda Fitzgerald makes it sound more roaring twenties  and less obnoxious brand poser-y.)

However, as cute as the new addition is, Homegirl and Bitchy Little Rat Dog have a fiery hatred for each other so far.  This sibling rivalry has resulted in 2 puddles of pee...on my EFFING WHITE CARPET!!! A luxurious shade of white that I selected as a nod to our growing maturity.  BLRD was housebroken and I was, too. (meaning that I hadn't puked red bull vodka over the side of my bed in years)  The girls have spent most of their first twelve hours together growling, barking, or hiding in each other's cages. (a very passive aggressive attack strategy)
Our Hangover Sunday Ritual

I hadn't realized how settled Coco and I were in our routine.  Our life together was on a lovely, simple autopilot.  She knows my commands (whether she chooses to listen and obey is an entirely different story).  She knows I hate being licked...especially in the face.  She has become and expert at hiking, long walks, and even longer cuddle sessions on the couch.  She pees and poops on schedule, command.  She intuitively knows when its time to go to bed.  Basically, she has become a little furry extension of me.

Zelda Fitzgerald, on the other hand, has lived most of her life either in a cage or fighting for space among a ton of other dogs on a tiny screened in concrete porch...she is desperate for love and attention. (and desperate to lick me) She isn't used to being walked, so she isn't in very good shape. She is terrible to lounge on the couch with because she has no respect for the "My Little Pony" Blanket rule (or my personal space...she tried to lay directly on my head) ... and all this behavior absolutely enrages Coco.

But I have opened up my home to this little adorable train now I must open my heart and my life up, as well.  Then hopefully my furry little soul sister, Coco/BLRD, will learn to love Zelda Fitzgerald, too.  If you have any advice on rescue animal...please help!

Also, I am accepting input on what Zelda's "street name" should be...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Today's My Birthday!!! YAYYYY!!

Today is my 30th birthday!

I have been asked if "turning 30" bothers me or scares me...the simple answer is NO. I am excited about 30 (as long as I don't look a day over 24).  My 20s were a decade long journey of self acceptance, gaining independence, and surviving heartbreak.  Twenty-nine was the deepest heartbreak of all... So I am very ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. 

Don't misunderstand - for every sad moment, there were twice as many happy ones...but I wouldn't trade the confidence and love that I have for myself for that higher metabolism or lower responsibility.  My life is great and definitely on the upswing. Especially if my 30th birthday party this past weekend is any indication!  It was the best party ever.  I was surrounded by love, laughter, and support in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee.  I hope that these intangible gifts are just foreshadowing the years to come. 

My Birthday Five: The Best Gifts a Girl Can Get (in life and for a birthday)

1) Acceptance and Support

My Brother and SisterMess's card pretty much sums up how my friends made me feel this weekend. Sometimes it is easy to doubt myself ("What makes me think I am so special?" "Why did I say that?!" "Seriously, why do these people still like me?") - but I hope the overwhelming love and support I feel stays with me for years to come... because I feel pretty damned awesome right now.

2) A Helping Hand

Madame MarriedMess couldn't join me in the festivities this past weekend, but her presence was definitely felt all weekend after she helped me make the best DIY piñata of all time! She spent a whole evening cutting & taping cardboard and fringe - because I didn't have enough time (or talent) to make my dream piñata on my own.  I love her for giving me the gift of help, especially when I am not good at asking for it! (we used this site to guide us)

3) A Touch of Glamour

Ah - I love sparkly things!  Nothing like shiny & sparkly things to make a girl feel glamorous. (or a boy! several of the boys wore these sequin getups nearly as much as I did)

4) Sidesplitting Laughter

As you are undoubtedly aware, costumes are my love language. I love funny costumes that make people giggle, let go of their inhibitions, and have more fun than any pair of jeans would ever allow.  And to make this weekend even more special, my cousin gave me this amazing Unicorn Mask to match my awesome unicorn t shirt.   Whether someone was donning this mask and chasing the dogs around the house or hiding the mask in some one's bed...the laughter was never-ending and the mask a great addition to my "costume closet."

5) A Second Chance

Approximately 25 years ago, my family vacationed in Gatlinburg, TN. (very near the cabin I rented for birthdaypalooza)  My mom fell ill with food poisoning or something, so PapaMess took my brother and I out for a day of "fun" activities so MamaMess could rest.  He took us to a year-round Haunted House that was so gosh darned scary that by the time we reached the third room, I turned around and ran backwards out of that place at full speed.  I ran just fast enough to slide through the door that was closing behind brother and dad were not so speedy.  While I dried my little tears and waited patiently by myself on the front steps of my worst nightmare, my poor dad frantically pushed through the remaining first and second story of the "Mysterious Mansion." (I am certain the thought of me getting kidnapped on the steps of a haunted house was more terrifying than the creepy actors who followed him around, yelling at him to slow down.)

Once he reached me outside and ascertained that I was safe, the teasing began.  He made light of the situation by making fun and asking if I was sure that I wouldn't be "too scared" to finish every activity that we did afterwards...for the next 25 years.

So you can imagine my surprise when my brother arranged for a second chance encounter with the "Mysterious Mansion."  I was delighted!  I made it through bravely and safely (while the Muchacho screamed like a girl and basically buried his face in MY back at least once).  I am thankful for that second chance - and I would like to think my dad was proud of me, too.

Happy birthday to me! 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


I set my alarm for PM instead of AM, so I overslept and didn't have time to use my new birthday present from my mom....the Nespresso Citiz with milk frother! Guess I just have to wait to have my first  delicious, homemade soy latte until tomorrow. #singlewhitegirlproblems #turning30iskindofawesome

But seriously, my mom is bananas! My birthday isn't for another whole week and she couldn't wait to give me my present, so she dropped it off last night.  Which is basically the best present of all.  The one thing I love more than getting presents (that I specifically asked for) - it's finding out what I got early!

Thank you, MamaMess!  I love you!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Deep Questions ... by Mademoiselle HauteMess

Like Deep Thoughts by Jack is a little Friday mind bender for you. The return of "Deep Questions by Mademoiselle HauteMess." (one of my favorite Deep Questions post is this...)

DEEP QUESTIONS : The Cerebral Cinephile Edition.

 "Analyzer" is one of my top Strengthfinder strengths.  I know this is true because that overgrown brain muscle typically overpowers my thoughts.  I overanalyze everything. Literally.  Nothing is safe.   Case in point: for the past two days I have not been able to stop obsessing about the final scene in Cruel Intentions in spite of the fact that I haven't even seen this movie in years.

Cruel Intentions is one of my all time favorite movies...yet it has always left me with lingering questions in my mind.  Two days ago, completely out of the blue, I became particularly fixated on the fact that Annette is driving Sebastian's car in the final she is the owner.

QUESTION: How did Annette get this car?

MY HYPOTHESIS: She stole it.

I mean, it is absolutely PREPOSTEROUS that she would inherit that car after Sebastian died.  (oops...maybe I should have said "Spoiler alert" at the beginning of this post)  Here are the various reasons why I absolutely reject the notion that she is the rightful owner/recipient of this car:

  • Seventeen year olds either don't have or don't frequently update a Last Will & Testament. So it isn't likely he legally willed that to her. 
  • Sebastian's absentee parents never met Annette during the INCREDIBLY brief tryst.  And had they asked Kathryn about Annette, Kathryn would have made up some story about her being a stalker and taken the Jag for herself.
  • And even if his parents had met her, how could they possibly take that relationship seriously.  Sebastian had sex with HALF the upper east side...a little pickle tickle wouldn't automatically make this chick stand out in his parents' minds. Their relationship lasted for like 2 weeks.  Just because the poster queen of virginity let the man-whore of Manhattan sex her up...that would hardly convince someone's parents that you are the rightful owner of anything of his. (except possibly herpes)  
  • Side note: Really?  True love?  It looks like someone could have used a Sassy Gay Friend.
  • And finally, it was a 1956 Jaguar Roadster...why would the grieving parents of a tragically departed son hand over the incredibly rare, expensive prized possession of their son immediately following his funeral?
Conclusion: The hormonal beyotch stole that shit while Sebastian's parents weren't looking.   OR her dad bought it for her... Either way, there is no way Sebastian gave it to her.

What do you think?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Five Things

It seems like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a blog that has a "Five Things" weekly post...and in the absence of unique inspiration or ideas, I figured I would jump on the "Five Things" bandwagon.

Here are five things that I am completely digging this week:

1) Parker Posey's fashion in her 1995 Indie Film Party Girl.  It is bright, loud, and fabulous! 

2) My new SUPER soft, super cuddly blanket. (available at Brookestone buy one get one 50% off) 
Perfect for couch time with my favorite bitch. (BLRD has a herniated disc in her back and I had some sort of food poisoning/bug this comfy, cuddly couch time was crucial)

3) Sons of Anarchy Season 5 Premiere....
OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!  If you haven't seen it yet, brace yourself.  It didn't earn the series-high ratings for nothin' - it is crrrraazy! 

4) Vegan Cream Cheese!  
Hello again, Bagels!

5) Wilfred Season 1 on my Amazon instant video.  
So Elijah Wood's character sees his next door neighbor's dog, Wilfred, as a full-grown Australian pothead dressed in a dog costume, but everyone else sees Wilfred as a regular dog.  Hilarity ensues... 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

HauteMess Recommends: Buy This Now

Unlike magazine editors (and even some bloggers) who recommend products that they likely got for free, I don't have those same perks.  So, just like you, I pay for all of my own things.  I shop, I sample, I get obsessed, I want to share.  So this is "HauteMess Recommends: Buy This Now," a series about my current & eternal obsessions that I think are worth the money, so you should go out and buy immediately.  (Note: All product recommendations in this series will always be unsolicited, but I am not above receiving free shit someday...I just wouldn't recommend it until I put my money where my mouth is.)

Do you like being the hero of the party?  Do you like making your friends laugh so hard they spit beer/wine/milk (whatever's your thang) out of their noses?  Do you ever wish you could spice up a regular house party and make it a raucous hootenanny?

If you answered yes to any of these questions...then Cards Against Humanity is the game for you.

Cards Against Humanity is basically like Apples to Apples on acid, crack cocaine, ludes, and four loko.   It is hilariously inappropriate - but fun for the whole family!

I have played this game with my favorite gay boyz, PregnantMess, my mom, my one-armed uncle (who surprisingly got a kick out of the multiple references to amputees), and some of my favorite co-workers.  Here are some of the reviews:

"I am laughing so hard I may go into early labor....This is the most fun I've had in 8 months." - Madame PregnantMess

"The more and more I think about that game, the more crazy I realize it all was.  I don't even know what half that stuff is." - My mom

"That may have been the best party game...ever...of all in all of history." - Me

"OMG - can I please meet the guys who created this and marry them?!?!" - Mademoiselle BlondeMess
So seriously - please buy this game as soon as you can!!

Note: it has been brought to my attention that the game is now sold out online...again.  But the website has an email list that will alert you when it is back in stock - OR you can print it yourself for free.  If you want to test drive the game, you can play an online simulator here.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Late Night (a.k.a. Drunk) Online Shopping

As Bad Decision August wraps up this year, I fear that one of my new bad habits may not be as easy to shed as the August page of my 12-month Anne Taintor calendar....drunken online shopping.

Picture this: It's 2AM and I am drunk with my online shopping pants on... only good things can come from that, right? RIGHT!

One drunken, Bad Decision-y night this month, I decided that I would try to buy something new while boozey each night I drank this month. (Solid idea, actually!)  Unfortunately, unless you consider pizza to be a drunken online purchase, I failed that mission.  However, the three times that I DID successfully manage to click the "confirm purchase" button while inebriated were quality enough to make up for the lack of quantity.

My new collection of drunken acquisitions has filled me with such joy, that I fear I will never be able to fully shake this new found addiction... So, the moral of this story is, try not to be jealous that I now own the following:

1. Parker Lewis Can't Lose Season 1 on DVD
Like the (barely) more mature version of Saved by the Bell,
but without the amazing female roles. (lisa turtle, whatup!)
If you don't remember this 1990 cult classic....for shame! Buy yours here.

2. 10 Teacup Rings (I broke my favorite ring while at a dinner prevent such a loss in the future, I ordered 10 more when I got home)
Best piece of jewelry I own -  for a girl who is frequently called "intimidating," this ring has made me MUCH more approachable. It is the perfect ice breaker! And the answer is, "YES. I have tried to drink an entire mimosa from this ring, one tiny cup full at a time."

3. This...
This mask will definitely make an appearance at my 30th Birthday Party this one here.
Happy Friday!!  May you all enjoy the last night of Bad Decision August brilliantly!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Cher Horowitz...

At least for Fall 2012....

Mark my words, if you haven't already seen the signs and spotted the trend, Fall 2012 is reviving the 1995 classic movie, Clueless.  Maybe it is the fact that Alicia Silverstone recently made the headlines for feeding her son like a baby bird...a baby bird named "Bear."Or maybe it's the "Every Outfit worn by Cher in 60 Seconds" youtube clip I just saw. Or maybe it is just that we haven't had a good high school prep movie since 2004's Mean Girls. (a.k.a. the last good movie Lindsay Lohan made)... but Clueless is back in a big way! (at least in my mind)

Disclaimer: I recently spent an entire weekend watching Heathers, Clueless, and Mean Girls. And then I may have spent a couple hours shopping online trying to re-create some of my favorite Cher Horowitz fashion ensembles.  SO, I may have made all this up in my own head...but nevertheless, I didn't have to search very long or hard to find that my Fall Fashion Inspiration isn't exactly unique to me.  

My favorite recent coverage of Clueless fashion inspiration was on The Coveteur. As soon as I saw their post on Twitter, my heart skipped several beats with excitement...but it just wasn't enough to satisfy my thirst for more argyle, more sheer tops, more fuzzy pencils, more 90s pop music, more eye candy for my very own closet...


I will never forget the day that I saw Clueless for the first time....I had just gotten my braces put on and my mom felt bad for me.  So she took me to a theater in Kentucky, near my orthodontist.  I sadly discovered that my teeth hurt too much to chew the sour patch kids and hot dog I picked up at the concession stand (seriously, a movie theater hot dog? what was 12 year old me thinking!?!?)  But, as soon as "Kids in America" started blazing - I had a new form of candy, nourishment: FASHION!

(also note: being in a movie theater in Kentucky when she makes the wedding joke, "AS IF! I'm only 16. This is California, not Kentucky," I laughed heartily as my fellow movie patrons boo'd the screen.  It was awesome.)

While I was never gutsy enough to follow in Cher's footsteps back then (as a painfully self conscious middle school girl with acne, braces, and 80s perm frizzy hair), I certainly spent many years wearing argyle and plaid as my homage to Ms. Horowitz.  So not that I have found myself re-inspired by the fashion of Clueless, I am doing it! Full steam... And you are invited to join me!

The HauteMess Guide to Becoming a Modern Day Cher Horowitz

Start blazing "Just A Girl," "Shoop," "Kids in America," and "Supermodel" - grab your mochaccino, and let's start shopping...

1. Subtle Sexiness in Sheer Tops:

2. Unabashedly Stand Out Colors & Prints:

3. Preppy to the Max Collar & Sweater Combos: 

Similar sweaters here, here, and here.

4. Less Than Subtle School Girl Sex Appeal with the Oh-So-Powerful-Mini:

Or similar ones here, here, here, and here.

5. And Finally...Whimsy Accessories that scream "I don't give a f***, this is FUN!":
Fuzzy pens here

No one will ever rock a hat quite like Dionne...but we can try!

If you will please excuse me, I must now go empty out my bank account as I try to re-create the magic of being a teenager (or dreaming of being a teenager) in 1995... 

Friday, August 17, 2012

Happy HauteMess Friday!

It has been a while since I have had a "HauteMess Friday" Post...but Bad Decision August has been relatively fruitful.  All of the HauteMess stories below come from just one night this week.  I like to think of this as my very own "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" story...or more accurately, "If You Give A HauteMess a Glass of Red Wine."

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

You forget to eat dinner, but remember to finish an entire bottle of wine... on a Tuesday yourself.  (in my defense, it was DELICIOUS wine)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

After said incident above, you decide it is a good time to trim your cuticles. (which resulted in at least three fingers spurting blood)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

You are too lazy to go up one flight of stairs for proper first aid, so you use toilet paper as a makeshift tourniquet, hoping to stop the bleeding long enough to open another bottle of wine. 

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

After you are finished playing "Doctor" with your roll of toilet paper, you realize you never went "TPing" in high school, and you always wondered what that would be like... to satisfy your own curiosity, you begin TPing the inside of your own house.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

When you lose the remaining roll of TP by throwing it down a flight of stairs (see point 3 above re: how I felt about stairs this past Tuesday night), you get bored/lonely and decide to have an "artistic" photoshoot with the resident model of the house, Bitchy Little Rat Dog.  (she just looked so pretty at the time!)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

While you already have your phone out, you decide it would be appropriate to text Homeboy from #Richpeopleproblems infamy a super embarrassing text message that ended with the phrase, "Trapeze -Brazil 2016."(it may have started with the phrase "What we had was so perfect, we should just leave it at that." Guesstimated Translation: "Don't talk to me again...until I compete in the Trapeze portion of the Brazil 2016 Olympics??" I don't know....I just don't know...)

You Might Be A HauteMess If...

The next morning, while parking at your local coffee shop to infuse some espresso into your severely dehydrated hungover body, you park behind your own personal worst nightmare.  You photograph it as a reminder that no matter how bad your head hurts, at least you don't have a vanity plate on a minivan.  

And no "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie..." story would be complete without coming full circle...I shall be asking for another bottle of wine tonight! Hopefully my hijinks tonight involve less blood, toilet paper, and embarrassing text messages, but it IS still August so who knows!!


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