Wednesday, March 10, 2010

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Drinks

Forget about “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” (she didn’t even lose him, so that was a little misleading) - I have found a way to speed up the process…why wait 10 days with you can do it all in 1 night…after consuming 10 drinks. And if you are truly lucky- you can even forget how it all went down!

2006 – I was dating someone new after a long, long, highly unsuccessful college relationship ended. I was nursing a broken heart AND trying to calm my nerves around New Boy. 10 drinks later, I asked him if he wanted to stay at my place and he said “No- you are too drunk. Just call me tomorrow.” To which I replied, “But I shaved my legs and wore cute underwear!” *stomping feet* Yeah- that is when New Boy became Not-Returning-Calls Boy. The End.

2007 – I was out of town with friends and consumed approx 10 pints of ale. I drunk dialed Mr. Apathy to accused him of “not loving me or even liking me.” And telling him that I “couldn’t take it anymore.” The next day I woke up, looked at my phone, and thought to myself “Hmm…I wonder what we talked about last night? Oh well. I don’t remember crying or yelling so it must have been a good night.” HA! Needless to say- he broke up with me as soon as I landed – citing insecurities that he didn’t realize I had until that drunk dial…sweet. (sidenote: we got back together 3 days later and dated for another year…but my 10 drink hypothesis rears its ugly head again) To Be Continued…

2008 – While at a party at Mr. Apathetic’s house, everyone drinks 10 drinks (mostly Whiskey) and chaos ensues. Mutual Friend decided it was a good time to tell me that if Mr. A and I were to get married, it would be the biggest mistake of my life because we are wrong for each other. So naturally I started crying. Mr. A tried to console me but ended up saying “Well, we aren’t right for each other. I don’t think I am the guy for you.” To which I replied “You %#$@ing a$$clown piece of #@&^*….%^%& YOU!” Classy, yes? The End. Fin.

2009 – After 5 drinks during a “Girls Night”- I decided I wanted to go dance and pretend it is my birthday for free shots. After ordering myself and paying for 5 birthday shots (bar tab was $130 that night…so much for the “free” shots...EFF!), I saw my ex of 3 weeks, the Narcissist. I tried to be friendly, He acted like a jerk, I got sad and tried to leave, so my friend threw him the bird on our way out, and that POS chased me down the street to call me white trash. This was when I finally figured out that I couldn’t fix him….The End.


2010 – While out with Mr. Ballsy to leisurely enjoy a few drinks, my roommate joined us and we started buying shots…lots of shots. 10 drinks in: I blacked out, brought him home, made him sleep on my couch, puked in my bathroom, and woke up the next morning like “WTF are you doing here?” Last time I talked to him he just said- “yeah…you were in rare form that night. I’ll just leave it at that.” And another one bites the dust…

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  1. Phones should have breathalysers on them! Then if you're too intoxicated, access to that hot guy you want to call should be barred.

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