Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dealbreaker Wednesday

While on a date last night with Mr. B, we started chatting about "Dealbreakers."  Mostly because I found out he doesn't like breakfast foods and that is a HUGE issue for me...brunch is my favorite...and I LOVE breakfast food for dinner!  As we continued to discuss dealbreakers, I realized that our definitions may be a bit different...his were more socially acceptable reasons to break up with someone- like yelling at him or being lame.  Mine were more shallow and seemingly arbitrary...which is what I think a real dealbreaker is.  I mean- DUH- if someone is mean/violent/criminal that isn't a dealbreaker- that is a universally accepted red flag.  However, kicking someone to the curb because their favorite band is Dave Matthews- now THAT is my kind of dealbreaker.

I have forgiven many men for committing some of these cardinal sins...and it always came back to bite me in the ass.  I have decided I will only make exceptions going forward if they are REALLY good in bed...otherwise, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Mr. I-Don't-Like-Saved-By-The-Bell!

Mademoiselle Hautemess Dealbreaker List: If any of these describe you, Sir, you need not apply!
  1. Bad Friends: if your friends suck, you probably do, too.  AND i refuse to hang out with D-Bags and freaks.
  2. Doesn't Drink: I like to is a part of my left arm.  I don't trust people who don't drink... especially for "religious" reasons.  I am Catholic...there is nothing MORE religious than getting drunk with your Priest at a Church festival. Jesus even drank wine. So if that is your reason- FAIL!  And if you are an alcoholic- congrats on quitting- that is awesome! However- alcohol is very central to my social unless you are the most patient DD ever, moving on.
  3. Favorite Music is Country: I loathe country music...I loathe poor grammar...I am not rural or cowboy or anything that could even relate to what it would be like to lose your horse and your gal on the same day...
  4. Afraid to Fly: Hey Pansy- BUCK UP! I love to travel...and I have no sympathy for your phobia.
  5. On a diet: I dated a guy once who was trying to get a 6-pack for a "guys trip" and was constantly talking about carbs and calories and ditching me for the gym.  I have been watching my weight since i was 15...i am neurotic enough for 2 ppl...i can't deal with your issues too.
  6. Favorite Band = Dave Matthews.  I feel the same way about Dave Matthews fans as I do about Ohio State annoy me. Your sense of entitlement and superiority is not only unfounded but also very 1998. 
  7. Bad Teeth: I once made an exception considering his country of origin was not so focused on oral hygiene and straight teeth...BIG MISTAKE- HUGE! Smile is really important...and if you have a hide-a-bed tooth or some snarly thing in your mouth- I refuse to be in pictures with you. No pictorial proof = no relationship.
  8. Lives with parents: No- i will not be quiet while we do it in your mom's basement.  I am an adult woman. I have lived away from my parents house since I was 18...I don't do the whole sharing a bathroom with your little brother and mom when I need to pee in the middle of the night.
  9. No hobbies: yes, i know I am awesome. BUT i cannot be your only hobby.  DO Something...other than video games- that is not a real hobby. I don't care how quickly you beat Zelda.
  10. Has kids: I don't like kids. I don't want to pretend to like yours so that you like me. AND I dont want "Instant Family: Just Add Water."
  11. Describes His Favorite Food as "American": I love food...all kinds of food.  If you don't love food enough to be able to describe it in real terms...and if you are not willing to try new things. Then I am not interested.
  12. Only form of work out is 12oz bicep curls:  you know- lifting his beer to his mouth. I dated a guy once who stopped working out right after we got serious.  He gained 20lbs during our relationship.  I felt like a dude who got tricked into a marriage with a hot chick only to find that once she got her MRS she let herself go. And when he wanted to lose weight, he just stopped eating carbs rather than actual cardio or weightlifting. Thus breaking rule #5. Massive FAIL.
  13. Cheap: I like frugality- especially if you are saving for retirement...because maybe someday i can mooch off yours since my savings philosophy is "I like my money right where I can see it, Hanging in My Closet." BUT- if you are CHEAP- turn off!  I make my own money so it isn't like I am worried about extravagant gifts- I can provide for myself, thank you. BUT i like wine with dinner and I like nice dinners.  If you are a "Red Lobster/Applebees" addict or a bad tipper- I will never go out with you.  
  14. TOO Extravagant/Stuffy: I grew up with very little in a small town...Now- don't get me wrong. I'll never go back to that. I love the city and I love making money...and I enjoy spending it.  But if you spend like you are Paris & Nicole, then back off.  I once dated a guy who wore $150 T-Shirts!  No thank you.  I want someone who actually UNDERSTANDS the value of a dollar...and when he spends it, he spends it wisely or on me. :)
And many many more....for another day.


  1. I'm so with you on the bad teeth. There's no way I want to put my mouth or tongue anywhere near someone's messed up chompers!

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