1. Best Purchase of the Week:
My favorite bar only carries 6 Schmirnoff Ices at a time...and last night I bought every one of them and iced random people around the bar...but I gave them all out in the first 60seconds. I really blew my wad on that one! I don't care if Schmirnoff shut down brosicingbros.com- Icing cannot be stopped.
2. Best Non Food Item That Made Me Almost Vom this week:
The paper towels at the Sheraton smell like beef jerkey. Done.
3. Best New Trash TV Discovery:
"You're Cut Off" on VH1 may be one of my new favorite shows until Jersey Shore 2 premieres on July 29th. The whole premise is that these bitchy self proclaimed princesses are getting cut off by their respective sugar daddies, mamas, foreign hubbies, etc. I knew that I was in love with this trainwreck of a show when the women saw boxed wine and tried to open the box and pour the bag in a chip bowl. Or maybe when the one girl said, "I don't know how to clean and I don't know how to make a bed. I know it sounds weird, but I have tried and like I literally can't figure it out." AWESOME!
4. Best New Crush:
Daniel Tosh is my soulmate- his humor makes me simultaneously think I will squirt my milk out of nose and work my kegels at the same time...and "What What In the Butt" is my new favorite song. And whoever does Samwell's makeup needs to live with me and airbrush my complexion every morning! Seriously, though, acne is the worst present that Aunt Flo brings every month...pirate hooker.
5. Best New Awkward Pickup Line Game:
While going stir crazy from working insane hours this week, I came up with an awesome new way to make strangers uncomfortable. You know how people are always trying to find connections to others via mutual friends? And how the easiest way to do this is via thinking of people you know with the same last name, hoping they are related so you can be all like, "Girl! I kissed your cousin in the weirdest game of spin the bottle ever at band camp!" Anyhow, my server brought the bill and I noticed his name was Randy, and my client I was working with was also named Randy. Before I knew it, I said to my colleague- "Hey, his name is Randy! Do you think he knows our client Randy?" And then it was born...the awkward "Hey Blank- I knew a guy in high school named Blank. Are you two related?" Try it...
6. Best line that I have ever stolen from Jenn Lancaster and used AT WORK TODAY:
"Listening to that guy talk made me want to gouge my eyes out and shove prozac in the open holes."
7. Best Prank Call of the Week:
In response to this foot fetish ad, Senorita CalienteMess called this guy (*67, of course) and left a message asking if you get extra cash for a 6th toe...since its like 2 menage a trois on one foot! AH-MAY-ZING!
OH- and the Hot Mess of the week? THIS GUY: