Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dealbreakers: OK Cupid Edition

Now that I have been a member of OK Cupid for like 4 days...I think it is safe to say that I have learned a lot about myself.  New things I did not realize before:
- I am superficial. I hit on a guy because he has a boat.  And I ignored some obvious dealbreakers because someone was 6'4" and hot.
- I really really dislike children.  Every time someone sends me a "wink" (a creepy way to let someone know you think they are cute without saying anything...similar to a facebook poke) and I see that they have children- I don't just delete the wink...i BLOCK them from ever communicating with me again.  This is like the online dating equivalent of the holocaust- separating out the women & children.  (yes, I knew that this one went too far after I typed it...)
- Getting hit on (even by fat old dudes from the hills of West Virginia, true story) feels good!  If you need a self esteem boost and aren't particular about where it comes from- there are some dudes on here that will make you feel like Jennifer Aniston before Brad dumped her!

So far I have been asked on about 7 dates...3 of which I immediately blocked them so that they can never message me again.  I am thinking about double booking one night next week because I have never been on 2 dates with 2 guys in 1 day...and this is the year of "why not?" Right?  I mean, it isn't like I am looking for a soul mate here- my soul mate is Daniel Tosh- Just recruiting season for my Dating Basketball Team.  I mean, I lost some key players this past year (Biz & Ballsy) and I got sick of Mr. Awkward staring at my tits but only high fiving me when he said good night.

OK- enough about the fun stuff...let's move on to the disturbingly funny stuff!

Mademoiselle HauteMess's Free Online Dating Experiment Dealbreakers:
  1. You very obviously look like a serial killer.  Now, I realize that this may sound like one giant "FUCKING DUH!"  But I would venture to guess that roughly 1 in 3 matches that I am given took their own profile pic in a bathroom with a webcam or a digital camera in the mirror and are NOT smiling.  If they are truly able to look in the mirror- I don't know how they don't terrify themselves.  I seriously found the unibomber on here...maybe not the original, but this dude is a legit doppelganger! 
  2. When given 3 words to describe yourself, you choose "NICE" as one of them.  Seriously? Your personality is so bad/nonexistent that even YOU can't describe it.
  3. Your profile says that you are 26, but you don't look a day under 41- PASS!  I am in shock and awe over how poorly some people age.  Either they are liars (likely) or meth heads (more likely). 
  4. Openly admit to reading and watching Sci-Fi and Fantasy books/movies because you love video games.  If I wanted to date a guy with massive forearm strength (you're following me here, right??) and a penchant for futuristic devices then I would talk to Stephen Hawkings.
  5. LARPS (Live Action Role Players) - so you graduated from Dungeons & Dragons and Zelda...but you managed to find the one hobby that puts you even LOWER on the food chain.   And your "lighting bolts" won't save you from the inevitable wedgies, wet willies, and general ass beat-downs. 
  6. I can see the whites of your eyes on all sides...I fear that you will kill me in my sleep. In a sneak into my house, kill my bitchy little rat dog, and use chloroform to make me "easier to manage" kind of way.
  7. I recognize people in your profile pictures.  I mean, online dating is like riding a moped, its fun to ride but you don't want anyone to see you on one.
  8. Your facial hair resembles an Amish man.  I find it incredible how littered this site is with bearded men and old ass students...its like OK Cupid had a specific marketing campaign targeted at the Lice Shampoo aisle and at the Student Loan Office.
  9. Your profile picture is a Glamour Shot.  I can't tell you how many "professional" pictures I have come across where someone is thinking pensively, looking off in the distance, in an all black room... OR outside in a park of some sort, wearing plaid and  If you seriously had a special PHOTO SHOOT for you online dating profile?? All kinds of NO. 

And these my friends, are the reasons my mother has dubbed me "too picky" and "unmarry-able."


  1. On point about "nice." Whether a guy says it, it means, "I've got nothing else to say," or, at the very least, just shows a lack of social awareness and vocabulary.
    I've also discovered that, if a girl calls a guy "nice," it 90% of the time means this: "I'm afraid that I won't be able to do better than him."
    Be careful writing someone off b/c of Sci-Fi. Sometimes it means what you think. Sometimes it's a great sign, though: sometimes it is as good a sign as a guy watching the Discovery channel. Sometimes it just means he has hobbies and an inner life, in which case he likely won't overanalyze his relationship with you.
    And I just realized you may have meant that that's only a dealbreaker if in conjnction with video games. Is that whaat you meant?
    The 26-41 thing is pretty accurate- oh man, meth is bad. But also keep in mind he might just be Indian or Arab. Those dudes just appear to age fast for no good reason.

  2. haha! the sci-fi is a direct link to video games. :)

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