Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Everything I Need To Know I Learned from Middle School Dating

I have had a colorful career in love starting from day 1.  I experienced basically every important kind of boyfriend/breakup scenario in my short dating career before high school.  I could have learned so much more from Middle School if I had just realized that some things never change. 
Boyfriend #1: The Boob Chaser
We had a very sweet and serious relationship tallying 3 months in total...which in the 7th grade is like fucking forever.  I, in fact, was convinced we may get married and breed because it was like the longest non-married relationship any of my friends had ever heard of.  I was a cheerleader; he was a football and basketball player.  He wrote the best notes in class and always signed them with a heart.  His mom was a teacher and like 3rd on the snow day phone tree- so he always called me at like 5:30am on snow days to tell me that school was canceled...allowing me to turn off my alarm and sleep in properly vs. waking up and listening to local radio for 30min while my dad made me shower and get ready for school "just in case."  Basically we had the perfect 7th grade relationship...until he dumped me for my fellow cheerleader, Big Boobie McGhee.  She had like DD cup boobs in the 7th grade, and I had braces and acne.  I listened to Boyz II Men on repeat for like 4 days.  But she also had a big heart under those ginormous tatas and said that she would never take my man from me- cheerleader love 4-eva!  So when he asked me back out, I said yes...it was still snow season, after all.  I then proceeded to break up with him right before it got warm outside...coincidence? I think not.

Lesson I should have learned? Guys are attracted to a giant set of knockers, and girls are attracted to power. Plain and simple.

Boyfriend #2: Mr. Dramantic
We had a whirlwind 2 week relationship that spanned Valentines Day...and he was my first kiss- and it was open mouthed, slobbery, and awkward. (back row in the local movie theater during "Black Sheep"...jealous much?)  I was in 7th grade; he was in 8th.  I was so innocent and seemingly hard to get, and he was notorious for his on-again/off-again relationship with an 8th grade girl.  He was definitely hotter than The Boob Chaser.  I was moving up in the world.  He loved passing notes in the hallway and calling me every night.  He addressed me as, "Hey Gorgeous!" (did I mention the acne and braces?)  He told me he loved me after like 7 days and I was ecstatic...because, of course, I loved him back! (right?) Everything he did was a perfect romantic gesture and just swept me off my feet...and then I landed plum on my ass when within our 14day anniversary.  He broke up with me for NO REASON. He broke my little heart.  I remember crying so hysterically that the new Student Teacher in my 7th grade math class thought a family member had died. He went back to his ex girlfriend and I had to watch THEM be all cuddly wuddly in show choir practice twice a week...fun.  He never had an interest in me again.  He moved on as quickly to his next victim as he had swooped in on me.

Lesson I should have learned? Guys who move too fast and seem TOO romantic likely are just attracted to drama.  (the tumultuous relationship with that other girl should have taught me that)  They thrive in the drama and feed off the chase.  Once you are no longer an innocent, hard to get catch- they throw you back for someone who is.  These guys will always be too romantic and too fast and then even faster to run away...I know, I just experienced this with Mr. Ballsy.

Boyfriend #3: The Cheater
It seems unfair to only call him "The Cheater" given that he is one of my absolute bestest friends in the entire world now...but you made your bed in the 8th grade, Bucko, now you must lie in it.  He lived down the street from me and would ride his bike to my house and we would talk for hours and hours on end.  We talked about crushes and relationships- and he confided in me that he had cheated on a couple of his girlfriends by kissing other girls.  I didn't care, we were just friends. Soon, we became BEST friends, but since we were a boy and a girl that basically meant that you had to be boyfriend/girlfriend.  He was a good kisser so that made the girlfriend title an easy one.  We were in "love" and the "perfect" couple to all of our friends.  Except for one tiny little detail. (I emphasize tiny) He was 4'10" and I was 5'8".  I would give anything to see a picture of us slow dancing in middle school. He would stand on a step to kiss me.  Or we would lay down and I sometimes let him grab my boob, below the shirt but above the bra.  We would sometimes french kiss for like 3 minutes straight without coming up for air...love.  Anyhow, things started to get boring about 4 months in, and I was thinking about breaking up with him.  Then the bomb dropped...apparently he was also bored.  Bored enough to makeout with my cheerleader BFF laying down during a game of Truth or Dare.  He claims that it wasn't really cheating because he was just completing a dare.  Know what I said? "Fuck you and your little whore." (yes, I kissed my mother with that mouth) I then refused to talk to either of them and focused all my energy on vengeance. 

Lesson I should have learned? When a guy tells you that he has cheated on his ex girlfriends, he is actually telling you that he is going to cheat on you.  It doesn't mean you can't be friends, but it should mean that you never be his girlfriend...unless you are into the whole Big Love scene.  This 4 month relationship could have saved me from 4 YEARS of heartache from Mr. Baker's Dozen Wives.

Boyfriend #4: Mr. Too Nice
I met Mr. Too Nice while on a Christmas cruise with my family.  He was 16, I was 14 but claimed to be 15.  He was unattractive and I was finally sort of hot.  My braces were OFF and I had the body of a very well developed 14 year old.  While our older siblings were off getting drunk, high, and hooking up- we would walk on the boat, sipping coca-cola, holding hands, and chatting the night away.  He was a total dork, but he was so kind and so sweet.  We kissed twice- so basically we were official in my books. The only issue was that he lived in Boston and I lived in the Midwest.  After the cruise he called me every night from calling cards and made plans to get his license, borrow a car, and road trip to see me that summer.  He was saving up from his job at a local drugstore.  He was SOO nice...he was too nice.  I started thinking of him as a best friend, not a boyfriend. (also fueled by not being attracted to him...at all) And since he was in Boston...and in high school...and I was in middle school- it just wasn't going to work out.  The day I realized this was when Mr. Bad Boy (a.k.a. Mr. Low IQ) came into the picture.  He wanted to take me to the Valentine's Day dance, and it was exciting.  Much more exciting than safe, nice, dorkus in Boston.  So I simply called him one night and told him that I wanted to date other people my own age and didn't think we should talk anymore. If only Twilight had come out- I could have "Bella Swan'd" him...but no, I just chose the honest, less eloquent way to end it. After that, I refused his calls and ignored his handwritten letters. Mr. Bad Boy was a bad idea- duh! He took me to the dance and never called again.  I traded a nice, stable guy in for an asshole...that could be the day I had my first "hit" of bad boy.  The start of my Asshole Addiction.

What I should have learned? Bad boys are bad news...but I am drawn to them like a moth to flame.  Nice guys of the world...I want to be ready for you, I really do...I just need to be challenged and excited.

9 comments:

  1. You started early girl; me too mind you :) but I am what experts might call " a chronic- serial-dater who randomly leaves countries to leave guys."

    ReplyDelete
  2. LMAO I love looking back on past relationships. Even if the experience was terrible, you still learned a lesson and you might even have a good story from it :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love your blog so much, you are SO funny!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. haha! this post is great! gives me flashbacks to my middle school days. I love how you distinguish between "laying down making out" and just "making out" because back then- that really made all the difference. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. You should write a book based on this idea!!!

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