Monday, July 5, 2010

I 'Vagine-Blocked' Myself This Weekend...Literally

 So, this weekend my vag got railed...but not in a fun, sexy time kind of way.  It was more of a full impact biking accident where I fell and straddled of the center rail on my bike in a hammer to the crotch, Johnny Knoxville Jackass stunt, possible pubic fracture, fall off the bike, lay in the fetal position, cry for 5 minutes, and then exclaim, "I fucking hate biking."  If I was a dude, I for sure would have legit busted a nut or at least rendered myself sterile.  Training for the triathlon is quite possibly going to kill me.

Icing your bruised crotchal region is quite possibly the most awkward feeling in the world...its like you are being dirty on accident.

While hosting a party at my place, I couldn't even sit down.  My main plan for the weekend was to facerape my favorite Hot Pothead again...but the throbbing bruised and broken pelvic region sapped all sexual energy from me...even the very public first base only makeout kind.  Sad.

I begrudgingly let my libido go into hibernation and consumed a cocktail of tequila, vodka, red & white wine, and ibuprofen to ease the pain.  This particular cocktail also helped me to set up the "Slip n Slide"  at 2am and pressuring all remaining party guests to "JUST DO IT!" But make no mistake, I had enough wits about me to avoid plopping my sore ass on that thing.

- At one point in the evening, Mademoiselle TanMess asked me what it felt like.  I replied, "It hurts like hell, but at least it doesn't hurt when I pee...OOH! hahaha...if only this didn't hurt so bad I would have yelled 'That's what she said!'"
- Then she asked, "Does it hurt when you wipe?" "Its like getting hit with a sledge hammer down yeah, I guess you could say it hurts."
- The one thing I never thought I would say--> "For the first time in my life, I am so happy that I am not in a relationship and know for certain that I have 0% chance of getting laid.  Because there is no way that would feel good..."

But the good news is that Hot Pothead left his watch here post slip n maybe once my vagine piece and libido are no longer under the weather, I can get that face rape makeout that I was so looking forward to!

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