Then it hit me! OF COURSE! She could sleep in my bed with me...it hadn't seen any action in a month, so it was totally ready for an overnight guest. One teensie weensie little problem, though. Senorita CalienteMess is allergic to my bitchy little rat dog. So I offered to change the sheets and use the fur-free guest comforter on my bed so she could stay with me. She immediately says, "Uhn Uh, Honey. That bitch will walk in and see me in bed and go crazy." To which I immediately pulled out my iPhone, opened up my email account, and drafted and sent an email to myself. This email said:
Subject: Awesome Blog
"Write a screenplay about Bitchy Little Rat Dog finding Senorita CalienteMess and I in bed together, she is accompanied byI literally laughed until I cried and tried to explain this hilarious idea to everyone around me...no one got it. Well, fuck em! I now present you with...The Most Awesome Blog Post Ever Conceived on Senorita CalienteMess's Birthday... and the cheaters film crew.
Sent from my
Scene: Bitchy Rat Dog is sitting in the front stoop of our home as Joey Greco and the Cheaters film crew pulls up to the house. It is a bright & sunny summer morning, but a dark, ominous cloud is following the van as it drives up the incredibly steep hill.
Joey steps out of the car with a handheld camera. His face is solemn.
Joey Greco: "So, Bitchy Rat Dog, I have some news. We were able to locate M.H....but she wasn't alone. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your suspicions were dead on. Here, look at the footage."
(Flipping the screen on the hand held camera and pressing play to show the Rat Dog some grainy surveillance footage of HauteMess and CalienteMess at the bar)
HauteMess is at the bar laughing and smiling with CalienteMess and reaches her hand up slowly...and without an ounce of guilt she breaks the vows that Rat Dog holds sacred...she scratches Caliente behind the ears!
Bitchy Little Rat Dog: (starts running around in circles chasing her tail and yelling) "OH HELL NO! That bitch did not just do that. She said she only scratches me like that!"
Joey Greco: "But wait...there's more. I know this has to be tough to watch, but you're going to want to see this." (Pressed play on grainy surveillance clip two)
HauteMess instructs Caliente to "sit" and "stay" on the barstool...when Caliente complies, HauteMess reaches in her purse and pulls out a PUP-PERONI STICK- A WHOLE ONE- and feeds it to Caliente while cooing, "Good girl! Good girl! That's a good birthday girl!"
Bitchy Little Rat Dog: "WHAT!! WHAT?!?! She never gives me a whole stick of Pup-Peroni!! She says it will make me fat! I am going to bite her ankles off when I see her...where is she??? Let me at her??"
Joey Greco: "We happen to have her location right now, and she's not alone. Are you sure you are ready for this?"
Bitchy Little Rat Dog: "I was born ready to sink my tiny little vampire teeth into cheating liars...let's do this."
Opening the front door to our home at 7am on Sunday morning, the film crew follows Joey and Bitchy Little Rat Dog up the stairs. As the bedroom door creeks open, it is obvious that HauteMess is not alone in bed. Next to her, is a CalienteMess covered with her pile of dark hair tangled around a blinking birthday tiara. Bitchy Little Rat Dog jumps up onto the queen size bed in an athletic and graceful manner, sneaks up to the drunk girls faces and barks:
Bitchy Little Rat Dog: "Wakey Wakey Bitches! I will KILL YOU! I just pooped in your shoes and destroyed your underwear. I now plan to pee on your tiara and leave small bite marks all over your faces!!! Nobody, and I mean NOBODY eats my Pup-Peroni!"
Mademoiselle HauteMess: "Oh hey baby! aren't you just such a lovey dovey little puppy wanting to cuddle with Mommy #1 and Mommy #2??" (smiling and lifting up the covers for Bitchy Little Rat Dog to join) "Come on!" (scratching that one spot on Rat Dog's booty that gets her all shakey legged)
Bitchy Little Rat Dog: "Oh bitch! I just can't quit you! I'm In! Joey- turn out the lights and shut the door on your way out before I stab you."
Needless to say, CalienteMess did NOT sleep in bed with me, but the Bitchy Little Rat Dog did!