Friday, July 30, 2010


Duh nuh......duh nuh.....duh nuh...duh nuh...duh nuh, duh nuhnuhnuhnuh.....SHARK WEEK!
What's my morbid fascination with Shark Week?  Its kind of like watching a Vampire movie...but real!  There are sharp teeth and blood and the re-enactments are Oscar Worthy!  I actually considered canceling a work trip because it interferes with my access to a large, HD TV to watch the awesome carnage.  First, I have to celebrate Harry Potter's birthday on Saturday, and then I will spend approximately 6 hungover hours in front of the TV watching the kings of the sea mame and kill innocent people, fish, and seals.  And in the new world premier, they will be exposing the phenomena of the dreaded AERIAL ATTACK!

Its not so different from my 4 hour "Kourtney and Khloe take Miami" marathon...big teeth, random acts of aggression, predators attacking others when blood is present.

Not sold on how awesome Shark Week is going to be?  Read below!
HauteMess Shark Facts:

If you are a shark and you get knocked up in high school, you can TOTALLY pull the whole "Virgin Mary" defense when your parents threaten ground you.  And they don't have to worry about the deadbeat teen dad swimming around in their hood.  Apparently, these bitches can impregnate themselves if the conditions are I hope they intended these bitches intended to impregnate themselves rather than accidentally.  Otherwise, that is the least cool superpower I have ever heard of.  I would shoot myself in the face if I got pregnant and didn't even have a steamy sexy time session to blame it on.  And with no man to buy me ice cream and tell me that my fat ass is still beautiful while I curse at him for "making me that way," I definitely wouldn't survive that nightmare.  Poor shark virgins.

If attacked by a Great White Shark, I am fucked.  Apparently they need a high fat content in their diet and they take an initial taste test bite to determine if the victim is fatty enough.  If the morsel isn't tasty enough, the shark will just swim away leaving its victim to try to survive.  My KarASSian vs. a fishie? That shark would finish me in one great chomp, lick his chops, and burp up my speedo.  Even more reason for me to lose weight...

Blue Sharks are total bingers and purgers!  According to, "they'll keep eating until they regurgitate, after which they go back to eating!"  I feel like I have seen an episode of "Intervention" just like this.  Listen, Blue Shark, food won't solve your emotional issues.  Don't drown your pain in chum! Talk to the other sharks, go for a long swim, anything but that! 

And finally...
If being Slutty is cool, consider sharks Miles Davis! According to, "Some female sharks use sperm from multiple males to father a single litter. That makes her pups half-siblings, even though they're born at the same time." Holy smokes, call up Maury because these bitches are going to have a hard time getting child support payments!  AND she made a sex tape...DAMN! And those pups? Traumatized, I am sure.  That is, if they even make it outside the womb, it is apparently a Shark Eat Shark world in there. (I am not going to go into further detail on shark cannibalism because even THIS blogess has standards...but I linked it here)


  1. Sharks literally terrify me.
    And now I'm more scared knowing they eat things with a high fat content!!

  2. Sharks literally terrify me.
    And now I'm more scared knowing they eat things with a high fat content!!



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