Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Top 10: Reasons Why I Love My Friends


Last night, I had an amazing time (as usual) with my friends at dinner and at the Band of Horses concert.  I truly believe that my collection of friends is the most eclectic, awesome menagerie of awesomeness.  From the sensible, sweet one to the crass, hilarious one to the loyal, yet wild one...I am ridiculously in love with our lives!  Want more proof?  Well, here are 10 reasons that they MADE MY NIGHT last night!

1) When they picked me up, they were discussing food options at our favorite bar that we planned to hit up before the Band of Horses concert.  When they asked me, "HauteMess, have you eaten?"
My good-girl-on-a-diet reply was, "I ate an entire squash for dinner." Then basically they laughed in my face and said something to the tune of, "Eff that...who eats JUST squash for dinner?" And I replied, "I seasoned it perfectly, it was very tasty.  And I am on a diet." They quietly smiled at each other, rolled their eyes and said, "OK. Cool."  BUT THEN, when the waitress came around to take their orders (which included waffle fries, onion rings, and buffalo chicken heaven), and I threw in a last minute order for a Quesadilla.  No one called me out...no one rolled their eyes...Senorita CalienteMess just said, "Don't you want some protein? Add chicken!"

2) During the first round of drink orders, the following conversation happened:
Cutie Pie Waitress: "What can I get for you, ladies?"
Miss GingerMess: "I'll have a Yeast Infection. The bartender will know what I am talking about."
Senorita CalientaMess: "Sounds good, I'll have one too."
---AWKWARD PAUSE AS WAITRESS LOOKS AT ME---
*Everyone was totally nonchalant...except for me.*
Me: *eyes wide, trying not to raise my voice* "What.The.Fuck?  No one cares to explain this one?"
Madame Marriedess: *casually* "Sweet Tea vodka, tangerine vodka, soda water, splash of lemonade, garnished with a lemon twist and a smile."
GingerMess: "Its the best yeast infection you will ever have!"
MarriedMess: "And no creamy suppository!"
Me: "Sold.  I will also take a Yeast Infection...make mine a tall."

3) While eating waffle fries and onion rings (don't hate), we all simultaneously admitted that we want to go the "Wizarding World of Harry Potter" in Orlando.  In order for you to fully grasp the brevity of this statement, let me tell you that I wore Harry Potter Glasses, Cape, and a wand to the opening of the last movie.  AND when I saw the previews for the 2 part finale of the series, my heart raced and I may or may not have peed a little.  I read the last book, all 759 pages, in 2 days- I literally stayed home day and night during an entire weekend in my young 20s to read Harry Potter.  And I'd do it again!  Nothing makes me nerd out more than the thought of sipping on some Butterbeer before mounting my broom for the next Quidditch match.  I don't just want to GO to this theme park, I want to move there.  So the fact that my friends are willing to plan a trip to Orlando for my upcoming birthday is like the best thing I have ever heard.  Madame MarriedMess even wrote her Masters Thesis on Harry Potter...so this is going to be legit.  I almost passed out from excitement last night.

4) While chewing thoughtfully, Miss GingerMess randomly blurted out the following:
"Cumming in your pants is totally underrated.  It's HILARIOUS.  I mean, can you think of anything funnier?  I used to have a roommate who would actually try to have wet dreams.  We would google shit before he went to bed...crazy shit. Usually turned into nightmares though."
No editorial comments needed for this...she is just one big case in point of awesome dinner conversation.

5) Madame MarriedMess and Miss GingerMess have THE BEST stories!  They started recounting the tales of last's summer's bar waitress who apparently allowed every male employee at Anonymous Bar to push her mammary glands together and thrust their love muscle until the point of climax...yes, I did just try to use a euphemism for titty fuck and fail miserably.  You try to come up with something better!  They kept talking about how crazy she was, so naturally I asked:
"Besides the obvious whoriness, what else made her so crazy."
Ginger: "She hated Jewel.  Jewel the singer.  Guess why?"
Me: "Because of her wonky teeth?"
MarriedMess: "Nope!  Because, and I quote, 'If it weren't for that bitch, I would be a famous singer.'"
Me: "Was she any good?"
Ginger: "Nope.  She was horrific and violently angry with Jewel for stealing her opportunity."
Me: "I kind of want to meet this girl..."

6) More from the GingerMess school of conversationalism:
(While discussing how lucky I was not to have broken my pubic bone in my horrific bike accident)
She randomly blurts out, "I know a guy who broke his dick. Like ruptured one of the vessels or something."
So I naturally asked, "HOW?!?" 
She replied, "Boning."
Me: "Well, obviously.  Just a bad angle or what?"
Ginger: "I don't know. He was weird and the chick he was bangin was weird, so I didn't want to ask too many questions."

7) On the way to the concert we were all getting pumped up for our NEXT concert happening this Friday...MC HAMMER.  And in unison, as we were getting out of the car and emerging into a public setting we all started singing one of the most easily forgotten Hammer songs (nope, not the one from Addams Family) but rather.... PRAY.  Picture 4 mildly intoxicated girls walking into a BAND OF HORSES concert, hand clapping over our heads, singing "Oh yeah we pray, we got to pray just to make it today. I say we pray, oh yeah we pray" in unison.  I may have started skipping...


8) During the concert we started jovially recounting "We Are The World 25" and I cracked a joke about it not feeling like "We Are the World" without Brian Wilson.  This, of course, was followed by a heated debate about whether or not Brian Wilson is dead or just incapacitated in his bed due to obesity.  Sources cited in said debate? Bare Naked Ladies song.  Madame MarriedMess first tried to say that he wasn't in the video because he is dead.  And Miss Gingermess fought back saying that he IS alive and still touring with the Beach Boys.  I pulled out my mediator toolkit (a.k.a. my iPhone) and immediately checked deadoraliveinfo.com and then googled "Brian Wilson Still in Beach Boys?"  He is ALIVE, no longer a member of Beach Boys (who actually have 150 live shows scheduled this year...to commemorate their 50th Anniversary! Shit...I don't even expect to live to age 50, much less celebrate an anniversary with a world tour- Kudos Beach Boys!)  AND he was in the "We Are The World 25" Video...but he couldn't stand long enough for the taping AND was eclipsed by those Jonas Virgins. Awesome!

9) Senorita Caliente Mess almost beat up some 5'4" D-Bag who stepped in front of her mid-show, blocking her view with a 10-Gallon cowboy hat and standing on his tippy toes so that we may think he was 5'7".  She held her cool until he started jumping around acting like he was in a mosh pit...at a BAND OF HORSES concert.  Unnecessary...

10) When the 2-ft cowboy's creepy flesh colored facial hair friend (a la Spencer Pratt) came up to us after concert to pull us.  Miss GingerMess valiantly threw me under the bus.
Creepy Flesh Colored Beard: "So ladies, what's our next stop after this concert?"
Senorita CalienteMess: "HOME! We have to work tomorrow."
Creepy Flesh Colored Beard: "Oh?  So we're going back to your place!"
Miss GingerMess: *pointing at me* "This one will take you anywhere.  She's a prostitute."
Me: *Raising my eyebrows suggestively and shrugging*
Miss GingerMess: "50 dolla to make her holla."
Creepy Flesh Colored Beard: *looking at me in all seriousness* "You charge too much.  I could have seen these guys in concert twice for that price."
Me: "Yeah, but I doubt they made you cum in your pants."
Creepy Flesh Colored Beard: *Stunned silence*
Miss GingerMess: "YESS!  I told you it was funny!"

'Nuff said...

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