Tuesday, July 20, 2010

What My Dating Profile SHOULD Look Like

Inspired by a 2Birds1Blog posting about faking our hobbies for online dating profiles, I started thinking about what my hobbies REALLY are...I mean, sure I work out and spend time with friends...but I likely spend a lot more time singing to myself in my car than keeping in touch with my family AND I do like to cook- but I cook one dish at a time and eat it standing up in my kitchen while deciding what I shall heat up in the microwave next.  I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so- Yes I love books...like 1 week a month.  Those other three?  I never sit still long enough to read.
  • Started but not finished books on my nightstand? 4
  • Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I own and have seen each episode at least twice? ALL, 7 out of 7.   
Anyhow, this train of thought really got me going, my online dating profile was EXACTLY what I would have said to someone who met me at a bar and went on like 3-5 dates with me.  And that is when I realized...I am not all that "real" in real life dating either.  When I start dating someone, there are so many things I hide from them (not like a police record or a lovechild, more like farting).  It takes a very long time for me to open up to someone and share all of my idiosyncrasies- some call it psychosis and I call it quirky, but either way I still do reveal these bits of myself eventually.  Perhaps THIS is why I am still single? After much deliberation, I now present you with what my dating profile SHOULD look like:

About Me:

 I am a 20-something girl who drinks at least 1 alcoholic drink approximately 4-6 days per week and pride myself on going from Friday to Monday without washing my hair- and it is rare that I shower at all on Sundays.  I have an above average sense of humor and am particularly drawn to dirty jokes- I can tell you the meaning of at least 90% of the gross, deviant sexual terms you come up with. (Dirty Sanchez? Childs play. Mexican Avalanche? Duh! Rusty Trombone? Don't insult Me. Angry Dolphin? My impression rocks. The Houdini? Makes me laugh every time.) I have never and will never allow you to perform any of these acts on me, but I will drop them into conversation every now and then because I am immature like that.  I have at least 10 pairs of underwear that you will never see. I "play sports" and "work out" 5 times a week or so- but let's be clear, I am not skinny or athletic. I have broken 4 bones all in non sport related injuries.  I fall down my stairs enough that I specifically forbid my hardwood floor guys from removing the carpet on the stairs because it "pads my fall."  I am in no way, shape, or form athletic.  And just because I work out a lot and run half marathons does not make me skinny.   I will never be skinny.  I may be "curvy," "hourglass," "healthy" body type, but this may be the hottest I will ever be.  When we go out, I will outdrink you, outshout you, outsing you at karaoke, outsmart you, outdance you, and outsex you....and if I dont, I will still claim that I did.

What I Am Doing with My Life:
 Just enough to make it hard to find someone to date but not enough that I don't still have time to write this.

Favorite Books/Movies/Food:
I like to read...magazines, gossip blogs, and Twilight or Harry Potter books make up 90% of my pleasure reading.  I read like 3 smart books a year...and then I ride that train as long as I can so that my Favorite Books list doesn't still include R.L. Stine.

I watch almost as much TV as the day allows...sometimes I will waste an entire Sunday in front of the TV.  I like The Office, Modern Family, and Arrested Development.  Beyond that- there is not a single show that I want you to watch with me, unless you get really into Soap Net or the CW or dating competition shows...in which case, I will likely stop being attracted to you.

Movies...I love movies, but I don't love the movie theater.  It is expensive and you can't pause it when you have to pee...and I refuse to buy a small diet coke when the large is only $.50 more.  My favorites are impressive- I like cool movies: Goonies, Labrynth, Mallrats, Clerks, Dumb & Dumber, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Prestige, The Notebook, Harry Potter, Twilight...it goes on and on.  But very important to note: I don't like war movies or bloody movies.  So I have not seen Braveheart- get over it. I don't want to watch Saving Private Ryan again.  And I fucking hate Pulp Fiction- gave me nightmares about gimps for weeks.  Find boys to watch those movies with you.  I would rather bake cookies...and eat them all.

I eat everything. Literally. (especially when I am drunk)


The First Thing People Notice About Me:
 From the front or back? Front: My massively loud voice...like Austin Powers when he wakes up from suspended animation.
Back: My Kim KardASSian booty

6 Things You Couldn't Live Without:
Booze
Pizza
Vampire fiction
A couch
Diet Mt. Dew
Soap

What Am I Looking for in a Partner? 
Hot
Not douchey
Not mean
Not a hillbilly
No kids
Funny
Wants to have fun, party, and be awesome
Wants to hang out with me at least a couple times a week
Doesn't want to hang out with me every day
Smells nice
Likes sex
Eats carbs
Has good teeth

34 comments:

  1. LMAO I loved this!! I am actually on two dating sites (one I mistakenly paid for and the other I did not) and the one I paid for I use for the more serious ads because well, I paid for that site. I get more response from the other ones because I just write my ad however I want, without caring and it truly lets my personality show.

    If you go ahead and post that somewhere, you WILL get a lot of positive feedback from men who appreciate your sense of humor!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOVE this profile ;) You should post it! Let me know how it turns out!

    xx,
    Delilah

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think people should post this sort of thing instead of the bullshit, at least you've been totally honest!! And I reckon this would attract more people because it's honest, give it a try!! xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Seriously, you should post this; it's honest and raw and funny. If any guy has a sense of humor, he will definitelyy be attracted towards you. By the way, you're like my little ray of sunshine. I cannot wait for your posts everyday. You make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks! I am now inspired...when I re-activate OK Cupid I will put this up. :) *I think* It still makes me all anxious inside to think of admitting some of this to strangers judging me- but hey! you guys liked it! SO it can't be a total bust.

    Bee- thanks girl! that is such a nice compliment! I love that we have become blog buddies- I feel like I know so much about your life in France from reading you, too!

    ReplyDelete
  6. dear lord...I read this in awe. I'm pretty sure you just described me exactly and it's creeping me out haha. So hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  7. haha i'm totally with you on the tv shows. all i watch is reality tv. and as much as I am tempted to change it to "dating in the dark" when boyfriend is over... I stick to shows like "tosh.o" because I know I'd rather he enjoy that than my reality tv.

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is totally awesome--I really think you should put it up unedited! I definitely wrote some shit in mine about not showering and maybe being hot if I could bannish my beer gut. My boy, who I met on OKC and is frighteningly perfect for me, listed one of his talents as "being an accomplished pooper."

    ReplyDelete
  9. Um...okay. Where to begin?

    First, I'm very sorry for your experience with the mini-Spaniard. I generally consider Spanish men to be God's ACTUAL gift to womankind. BUt more on that later.

    I have been reading (and giggling, which is odd, as I RARELY giggle) for ten minutes or so and felt I simply had to comment at this point.

    Why?

    Though I disagree with you on Pulp Fiction (I think I may have wanted to BE Mrs Mia Wallace for a spell), regular hair washing (I am a militant every morning girl) and Twilight (sorry everyone, I simply cannot get on board), it was this, THIS:

    "(Dirty Sanchez? Childs play. Mexican Avalanche? Duh! Rusty Trombone? Don't insult Me. Angry Dolphin? My impression rocks. The Houdini? Makes me laugh every time.)"

    which has made me fall very deeply in love with you indeed.

    Well done, bravo and other exclamations of praise.

    - B

    ReplyDelete
  10. Now if all people were this honest and up-front, I'm willing to bet the divorce rate would plummet!! I vote for actually using it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm not sure how I stumbled here (it involved 3 glasses of wine and while simultaneously blog browsing, watching The Good Son on Encore, and chatting with a friend on Facebook), but I laughed my ass off.

    And the other posters are right - people SHOULD be honest like this on those dating sites! I've been helping my sister look, and if I see one more guy who took a self portrait in the mirror with his shirt off who claims to love to travel and thinks a coffee shop is the best place for a first date, I might slit my wrists.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Um...okay. Where to begin?

    First, I'm very sorry for your experience with the mini-Spaniard. I generally consider Spanish men to be God's ACTUAL gift to womankind. BUt more on that later.

    I have been reading (and giggling, which is odd, as I RARELY giggle) for ten minutes or so and felt I simply had to comment at this point.

    Why?

    Though I disagree with you on Pulp Fiction (I think I may have wanted to BE Mrs Mia Wallace for a spell), regular hair washing (I am a militant every morning girl) and Twilight (sorry everyone, I simply cannot get on board), it was this, THIS:

    "(Dirty Sanchez? Childs play. Mexican Avalanche? Duh! Rusty Trombone? Don't insult Me. Angry Dolphin? My impression rocks. The Houdini? Makes me laugh every time.)"

    which has made me fall very deeply in love with you indeed.

    Well done, bravo and other exclamations of praise.

    - B

    ReplyDelete
  13. Now if all people were this honest and up-front, I'm willing to bet the divorce rate would plummet!! I vote for actually using it!

    ReplyDelete
  14. dear lord...I read this in awe. I'm pretty sure you just described me exactly and it's creeping me out haha. So hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  15. haha i'm totally with you on the tv shows. all i watch is reality tv. and as much as I am tempted to change it to "dating in the dark" when boyfriend is over... I stick to shows like "tosh.o" because I know I'd rather he enjoy that than my reality tv.

    ReplyDelete
  16.  "I have an above average sense of humor and am particularly drawn to dirty jokes" Amazing.
    This post made me "sol" (snort out loud).

    ReplyDelete
  17. You should get www.penmyprofile.com to write your dating profile for you! They're well good!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh.My.Goodness. Are we the same woman?
    Your list had me relating. (and reevaluating my hautemessness…)
    Use that profile on Aussie guys and you'll be beating them off with a stick.
    They may not be of the Prince Charming variety but certainly from the No Bullshit Academy.
    Trust me, I married one - best thing I ever did ;)

    ReplyDelete
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