So to kick off my first bad decision weekend, I thought that I would just indulge any impulse that came to me...first one? Make out with a stranger in line for booze...in broad daylight....exchanging no words...just alcohol laced saliva. My decision process went something like this:
1. Must be a man.
2. Must be located near the path I was planning to take anyway.
3. Must be be nowhere near a chick + Sport an empty ring finger.
4. SPOTTED - A duo of guys --> One is homely and one looks vaguely like Jason Segal...especially from the nude scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall...
5. ATTACK Jason Segal lookalike.
I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH BAD DECISION #2: "Faceraping Topless Taylor"
This picture was taken shortly after he started following me like a lost puppy. The meaner I was, the more he wanted to be near me. His homely friend gave him an ultimatum, him or us. I said, "You have served your duty here, go along." And he still insisted on watching Chromeo (sidenote: one of my top 5 favorite performances of Lolla) with us. The following conversation took place:
Me: "So you are just a bad decision in a monthlong string of them."
Topless Taylor: "So? Maybe you are just my bad decision. HUH? Plus, you may like me if you get to know me."
Me: "I find that incredibly hard to believe."
Topless Taylor: "So who all are you girls seeing this weekend. We should meet up again tomorrow."
Me: "Not gonna happen. Topless Taylor, you don't want to get involved with me; I will only break your heart." (p.s. this is my favorite line to give guys when I am single and on prowl)
Topless Taylor: "YOU? Break my heart? Psshhh. I break hearts."Me: "Good comeback. So anyway, we are done here. You can go."
Topless Taylor: *whining like a 5 year old* "But I don't WANNA go. I like kissing you. PUH-LEASE???"Me: "I said Good Day, Sir."
Topless Taylor: "Buh, whaa??"Me: "I said Good Day." *turning around, swigging my warm white wine, and dancing my ass off to Chromeo.
I SWEAR that men just luuuurve bitches. It was like the more repulsed by him I became, the more attracted he was to me. I guess this is just my schtick.... Anyhow, moving on.
I totally forgot about Bad Decision #2: Part Deux - "When Strangers Face Rape ME." Until I re-read my text messages from the night before:
I vaguely recall a loser trying to kiss me, and I remember calling him a dork to his face. I think I was trying to re-create the awesome bitch-attraction but since I legit thought he was repulsive, it came out harsher than expected. YET- that fucker still went in for the kiss...*I think* I turned my head away. But regardless, I still gave him SOME inclination that it was ok to approach...and for that- I grant myself a "HauteMess of the Week" Award.7:49 PM Dude Friend: "Text me around Chromeo time. We want to see them close up, but we also want a good spot for Gaga. I love penis."7:50 PM Me: "I just made out with a stranger. I call him Topless Taylor. We are at Chromeo."
10:32 PM Dude Friend: "We just caught 2ManyDJs and saw the end of The Strokes."10:33 PM: Me: "I just made out with a loser."
10:42 PM: Dude Friend: "Why u makin out with so many randoms?"10:47 PM: Me: "I don't know. I need a muzzle."
And that my friends, was just Friday night of a 3 day bender. There were plenty more bad decisions as the weekend progressed- including but not limited to chatting up and befriending awesome stoners of all ages (19-65), nearly getting trampled in the front of the Phoenix show, dry heaving over a toilet all night, going #2 in a portopotty, and eating a cheeseburger at 11pm last night.
I now have 3 days to recover before heading to a beachfront bachelorette party in Charleston...Lord Save My Soul!