Monday, August 9, 2010

Bad Decision August Updates

As I slowly begin reintroducing myself to the real world, I feel it necessary to share with you my shenanigans from the weekend. (a.k.a. weekend #1 of Bad Decision August).  After an amazing fucking weekend at Lollapalooza in Chicago, I am nursing a mad hangover.  They sold ENTIRE bottles of wine and put them in sport bottles, for only $24.  That is cheap compared to the $7 beer, AND it prevented my from getting overly gassy.  So yeah, I drank approximately 5 bottles of wine this weekend on top of going out after the concerts and pounding vodka like it was nectar fallen from heaven.  My body is basically being held together by coconut water and the empty promise that I will get more sleep this week.




So to kick off my first bad decision weekend, I thought that I would just indulge any impulse that came to me...first one? Make out with a stranger in line for booze...in broad daylight....exchanging no words...just alcohol laced saliva.  My decision process went something like this:
1. Must be a man.
2. Must be located near the path I was planning to take anyway.
3. Must be be nowhere near a chick + Sport an empty ring finger.
4. SPOTTED - A duo of guys --> One is homely and one looks vaguely like Jason Segal...especially from the nude scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall...

5. ATTACK Jason Segal lookalike.


I NOW PRESENT YOU WITH BAD DECISION #2: "Faceraping Topless Taylor"

This picture was taken shortly after he started following me like a lost puppy.  The meaner I was, the more he wanted to be near me.  His homely friend gave him an ultimatum, him or us.  I said, "You have served your duty here, go along."  And he still insisted on watching Chromeo (sidenote: one of my top 5 favorite performances of Lolla) with us.  The following conversation took place:
Me: "So you are just a bad decision in a monthlong string of them."
Topless Taylor:  "So? Maybe you are just my bad decision. HUH? Plus, you may like me if you get to know me."
Me: "I find that incredibly hard to believe."
Topless Taylor: "So who all are you girls seeing this weekend.  We should meet up again tomorrow."
Me: "Not gonna happen.  Topless Taylor, you don't want to get involved with me; I will only break your heart." (p.s. this is my favorite line to give guys when I am single and on prowl) 
Topless Taylor:  "YOU? Break my heart? Psshhh.  I break hearts."
Me: "Good comeback.  So anyway, we are done here. You can go."
Topless Taylor: *whining like a 5 year old* "But I don't WANNA go. I like kissing you. PUH-LEASE???"
Me: "I said Good Day, Sir."
Topless Taylor: "Buh, whaa??"
Me: "I said Good Day." *turning around, swigging my warm white wine, and dancing my ass off to Chromeo.

I SWEAR that men just luuuurve bitches.  It was like the more repulsed by him I became, the more attracted he was to me.  I guess this is just my schtick.... Anyhow, moving on.

I totally forgot about Bad Decision #2: Part Deux - "When Strangers Face Rape ME." Until I re-read my text messages from the night before:
 7:49 PM  Dude Friend: "Text me around Chromeo time. We want to see them close up, but we also want a good spot for Gaga. I love penis."
7:50 PM Me: "I just made out with a stranger.  I call him Topless Taylor. We are at Chromeo."
10:32 PM Dude Friend: "We just caught 2ManyDJs and saw the end of The Strokes."
10:33 PM: Me: "I just made out with a loser."
10:42 PM: Dude Friend: "Why u makin out with so many randoms?"
10:47 PM: Me: "I don't know. I need a muzzle."
I vaguely recall a loser trying to kiss me, and I remember calling him a dork to his face.  I think I was trying to re-create the awesome bitch-attraction but since I legit thought he was repulsive, it came out harsher than expected.  YET- that fucker still went in for the kiss...*I think* I turned my head away.  But regardless, I still gave him SOME inclination that it was ok to approach...and for that- I grant myself a "HauteMess of the Week" Award.

And that my friends, was just Friday night of a 3 day bender.  There were plenty more bad decisions as the weekend progressed- including but not limited to chatting up and befriending awesome stoners of all ages (19-65), nearly getting trampled in the front of the Phoenix show, dry heaving over a toilet all night, going #2 in a portopotty, and eating a cheeseburger at 11pm last night.

I now have 3 days to recover before heading to a beachfront bachelorette party in Charleston...Lord Save My Soul!

8 comments:

  1. haha this blog made me laugh out loud seriously.
    I love your dedicated to Bad Decision August.
    Cannot wait to see what happens as the month progresses. xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Excellent.
    I've done many embarassing man things, but I don't think I've ever clung quite so hard to a random! Sure, I like bitches. That's a given. But random bitches can do what they want, I don't give a fuck if I ever see them again.
    Some dudes just get clingy because they're disappointed on account of this makeout = only a makeout with no promise of sex.
    Anyway, good to know you're befriending characters of all ages. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. That sounds like fun! I want your life right now!

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Emily- thanks for the love! I must say- bad decision august is more like telling that little angel on my right shoulder to shut up...and it's awesome!

    @Benny- I took your recommendation...Lolla was amazing thanks to my new friends. :) And unless Topless Taylor thought I would have sex with him in a field in front of Lady Gaga or in a Porto-Potty, i still can't figure out why he wouldn't leave!

    @Great(ish) Expectations- thanks girlie! You, TOO, can be a bad decision maker...just think about what you would normally do, and do the opposite! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. DAMNIT!!! I MISS being single!!!

    Dude, So fucking true! Guys LOVE bitches. I've had men TELL me they wanted me BECAUSE I was such a bitch...

    That's pure fucking awesome-ness there!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sweetness, I have devoted a significant portion of my live honing the bitch act to absolute perfection. It's easy, it's fun and it's successful. Brilliant.

    All you had to do was cling to him and ask if he wanted to be your boyfriend and he would have dashed off before you could say "significant other"...

    Well done on the make-out sessions, though. You've almost graduated to a night out with me... ;-)

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  7. That sounds like fun! I want your life right now!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sweetness, I have devoted a significant portion of my live honing the bitch act to absolute perfection. It's easy, it's fun and it's successful. Brilliant.

    All you had to do was cling to him and ask if he wanted to be your boyfriend and he would have dashed off before you could say "significant other"...

    Well done on the make-out sessions, though. You've almost graduated to a night out with me... ;-)

    - B x

    ReplyDelete

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