Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Death and Bed Bugs

What do most people fear more than anything? Public speaking. Which I think is just a fear of public embarrassment.  I, however, have perfected the art of public embarrassment.  Falling down an escalator at work in front of all your coworkers because you were "playing on" the escalator at age 25? Been there.  Falling down concrete steps while picking up your race packet for a half marathon taking place the next day? Done that.  Attempted to re-use an 8 year old lifeguard swimsuit to swim laps at your new gym...not realizing that elastic apparently rots and it IS possible to flash a little on the top and a little at the bottom simultaneously? Yes...yes...all kinds of yes.  Suffice it to say that public speaking and public embarrassment do not plague my fear sensors.

As for death, sure I am afraid- otherwise I wouldn't wear a seatbelt.  But it also isn't like I am morbidly obsessing over every dangerous situation I could be in and strategize how to avoid them...otherwise, I wouldn't drink nearly as much as I do and I sure as shit would get a better guard dog than the Bitchy Little Rat Dog.  Or I would at least actually pay for a Home Security System instead of just displaying the ADT stickers and signs my dad found on eBay for like $10. (It's basically the same thing...if someone is going to break into your house, taking a chance that you may not actually have ADT securing it, even thought you have clearly displayed awesome, authentic looking signs alarm system in the world could keep them from slitting your throat and stealing your TV.)  So although I don't want to die or anything- I guess I am not actively afraid of it.  (bungee jumping is SOO on my bucket list!)

But you want to know what I am really afraid of? Like hypochondriac convulsing and generally feeling that an elephant is sitting on my chest when I think about it....Mother Fucking Bed Bugs!  Mademoiselle TanMess's brother recently had to move from his apartment and essentially throw away all of his belongings due to a bedbug infestation.  And I listened to a "This American Life" podcast once about bedbugs that terrorized this nice Chicago family...eating them alive night after night in spite of multiple extermination attempts and burning of the furniture.  They can live for up to 1 whole year without feeding...ONE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!  I can't even go 5 hours without a meal. Shit!  And they suck your blood all over your body and poop it out on the matress.  They literally SHIT THE BED with your own blood.  That is enough to make your stomach turn.

Bed Bugs were all but extinct in the United States for like 50 years, until international traveler's brought back bed bugs from far away lands in Europe, Asia, and the Middle East.  This may be more devastating than when Whitey brought Small Pox over here to the Native Americans. (I can call everyone else "whitey" given that I am 1/8th Native's science.)  These suckers hide in mattresses and jump in your suitcases when you travel and infest your homes forever! (exaggeration)

SO- why is this relevant??

As I was preparing to go to Lollapalooza this weekend,  I was chatting with my parents about logistics and the Magnificent Mile hotel where I will be staying for a super discount rate. (yay me and my mad internet skillz!)  My dad guffawed at me and said, "Good Luck!  I guess you will see what those Michigan Avenue Bed Bugs look like. "  My dad is always dong this to me.  He loves to get under my skin and tease me- especially when I do things on my own without consulting him.  Its a control thing I suppose.

So immediately, I pulled out my iPhone (it's a disease) and indignantly looked up this hotel on Yelp.  Certain that others who have stayed there in the past were impressed and rated this discount gem well.  I was going to show him by reading all of the fabulous reviews so that he would feel dumb for doubting my Discount Dealhuntress skills and back down.   OH...but what was the VERY FIRST FUCKING REVIEW I FOUND????
HOLY FUCKING SHIT...I immediately had a panic attack and nearly hyperventilated to the point of passing out.  To which, my father actually DID feel guilty and helped me look up BedBug Repellent Spray to douse the mattress and sheets with. (it is some organic oil, so I will most definitely permanently stain those sheets.  But I.Don't.Give.A.Fuck.) AND one of those DreamSacks - its like a travel version of a Snuggie...except it's silk...and you sleep in it... on top of a hotel sheet to protect yourself from harsh detergents, bleaches, residual sex juice, and BED BUGS!

However, now I am UBER paranoid because I am traveling for work right now and those special defenses are not in my possession.  Its like my very own version of a rape whistle and pepper spray for when I travel...but for blood sucking pests (and not in that hot Edward Cullen kind of way).  I actually stripped the bed down at the Marriott where I am staying and examined it for little bugs or dried blood-like excrement from the victims they fed on before me.  Now, as I lay in bed typing- I am convinced that I itch.

So...if given a choice of death or bedbugs?  I literally think I would choose death.  The ONLY thing I wouldn't choose over bedbugs? Getting tipped over in a port-o-potty door side down.

The End.


  1. I love public speaking, I think that's probably weird right?

  2. Not at all! I like to think that is makes you special! As long as it is not in an attention whore kind of way. :)

  3. Not at all! I like to think that is makes you special! As long as it is not in an attention whore kind of way. :)



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