Saturday, August 21, 2010

Diary of a Future Spinster: All Protein, Zero Carbs, Soap Operas

Ever spend a weekend in your pajamas catching up on 15 year old soap operas (not soaps for 15 year old teens, literally soaps from 1995), starting a new high protein diet, and surfing the internet for no carb recipes incessantly?  Yeah, me too.

So remember how I plan to lose 10 lbs by the time I turn 28 in October?  Yeah, well I was able to lose 4lbs, but then gained 2 back while in Charleston for the bachelorette party. So, in a hail mary effort to look smokin hot before heading to Vegas in 2 weeks, I started a crazy effing diet called "Dukan Diet."  Some crazy French nutritionist dude developed this new diet (spoiler alert: it is basically South Beach and Atkins wearing a Beret and a striped shirt saying "Ah, mais oui!") that is protein only for phase 1 and phase 2 reintroduces veggies every other day.  Extreme? Yes.  Delicious? No.  Going to work? IT BETTER! Or I will buy a plane ticket to Paris and rip out his little handlebar mustache and shove twinkies in his mouth and hold it closed. (similar to how I have to give Bitchy Little Rat Dog her meds)

So I have been sitting in my house like a recluse, trying not to go out into the world where the carbs flow like wine and sugar flocks like the salmon of Capistrano.  Avoiding those situations that leave me completely powerless- wine, vodka, late night pizza, bagels, mimosas, chipotle...eff!  To be fair, I am not particularly hungry on this diet.  Largely because the thought of chewing and digesting one more piece of meat has officially cured my insatiable appetite.

After a failed attempt to play "Guess Who?" with Bitchy Little Rat Dog, I have resorted to entertaining myself via vintage General Hospital, catching up on the "Best of Brenda and Sonny." I have learned some VERY valuable lessons about life...assuming that life is exactly like a soap opera.

LIFE 101 (according to General Hospital):
1) You can never actually be killed.  Death is just a silly little hiatus in your normal life.  More likely than not, you are just suffering from amnesia on some psycho's boat in the middle of the ocean OR in a coma with a headwrap covering your face making you unrecognizable to your friends and family.
2) No need to be heartbroken, because you WILL get back together with your ex.  But be warned, he will likely cheat on you with the girl he dated before you AND after you.  Having his children only makes you a more likely candidate that he will cheat.  But its cool- you will forgive him or cheat with someone else.

3) There is likely a conspiracy to ruin your life, but if you are good character it will unfoil quickly.  BUT if you are a bitch, get ready to fall.  Whether it will be a blackmail scheme or a drug-induced date rape...the higher you are on the bitch totem pole, the farther you fall.
4) When receiving awkward/bad/good/frightening/sexy news, you must always look off into the distance and FREEZE.  It is only dramatic if you pause for 5 full seconds before replying...

7 comments:

  1. I've just had a week off work and have also immersed myself in old soaps. Soap of choice for me was the Australian Neighbours. Your rules obviously work in southern hemisphere too. I also learned that the Australian for paramedic is 'ambo', which I like.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Okay I am every so slightly loathe to admit this, but I have, from time to time, followed the Weight Watchers plan. It's tricky, because I'm not actually heavy enough to be accepted into the Weight Watchers programme. But with adequate will and hacking skills, one can download the whole of the programme on line and start losing. It really does work - even for someone with only a few pounds to lose.

    Like, post week in Greece pounds, a la last summer. Damned feta cheese...

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been exercising, eatings mostly veggies and "catching up with the Kardashians" hehehe, but they are so damn addicting I can't seem to get anything done! I love cheesy tv!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Emily- Effing tell me about it! They sound like SUCH A GOOD IDEA at the time...and then...well, then you sit on your couch on a saturday night with hunks of meat and old soaps! :)

    TbR- OOh! A new guilty pleasure? I love Australian accents! perhaps I will look into this during my next hibernation. :)

    B- I love food...And I have been doing (on and off) Weight Watchers since I was 19...but it allows me too much freedom (weird?) and I inevitably "cheat" too much. So after losing 2lbs in 4 weeks on WW, I amped it up with this Dukan diet...3 days later I am down 5lbs...we'll see how long this lasts.

    Great(ish) Expectations- LOVE those damned Kardashians....is Kim's boddy too much to ask for?? I mean, for realsy!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay I am every so slightly loathe to admit this, but I have, from time to time, followed the Weight Watchers plan. It's tricky, because I'm not actually heavy enough to be accepted into the Weight Watchers programme. But with adequate will and hacking skills, one can download the whole of the programme on line and start losing. It really does work - even for someone with only a few pounds to lose.

    Like, post week in Greece pounds, a la last summer. Damned feta cheese...

    - B x

    ReplyDelete

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