The good news is that "Bad Decision August" is still on like Donkey Kong. The bad news is that I may have accidentally upped the ante to "Terrible Decision August." (remember: you can follow me on twitter for more of these updates that have to make you feel better about YOUR life...)
Friday night started with a seemingly tame Happy Hour that ended with Senorita CalienteMess loudly exclaiming "FUCK" in front of my CEO and a table full of small children right before we made a grand exit out of the building via a 2-story slide. It is amazing how losing weight on a no-carb diet can make your tolerance for alcohol revert to a 17 year old with a Zima and a Jolly Rancher.
Happy Hour was followed by pregaming at the house, then bar crawling through downtown, and several glasses of wine and mixed drinks later yielded four very drunk girls- me, Senorita CalienteMess, Mademoiselle BlondeMess, and Madame MarriedMess.
So we went to an Upscale Mexican restaurant/bar/lounge called Nada and within the span of an hour managed to eat off some dude's plate and then Senorita CalienteMess not so secretly whispered the following about him, "OH...is this the guy we hate? The slutty one?" He was less than two feet away from us. He heard. To which I replied, "NO! That is that other guy you are thinking of." Smooth. Awkward.
We moved on to a new yuppie bar called "Passage" - and guess what? It has a secret passage "cleverly" hidden behind the oh-so-fake bookcase door. This "well kept secret" that leads to the lamest VIP section I have ever snuck into. It was so awkward and lame that I wasn't even mad about getting kicked out. It is a triangular shaped platform in the far corner of the room, elevated approximately 4ft off the ground with metal railings. And since the club is new, and has a terrible marketing strategy- it was tragically empty. So this VIP section was half a football field away from the 12patrons in the bar. When the little airhead cocktail waitress came up to me and said, "Umm...so this is like a private party for VIP. You guys are like going to have to leave and stuff." So I said, "But we're with him." *gesturing towards the only dude we talked to* Unfortunately, as it turned out he was just the friendly drug dealer and he was on his way out. FAIL.
Then we proceeded to the most landmine ridden territory in all of Cincinnati...the place where I frequently see my exes. While at Bar Landmine, I saw The Narcissist's DJ partner...BOOM- lost a finger. (see, when I step on ex boyfriend landmines I lose limbs...size of limb is correlated to the size of the awkwardness) During my stay at Bar Landmine, I learned a new story about my ex talking smack about me...so what did I do? Naturally, in honor of bad decision August, I made a TERRIBLE DECISION. I TEXTED HIM. I told him that I saw his boy at the bar and he should come meet us out. OH FUCK.... WTF was I thinking?!?! The meanest person I have ever dated...the most volatile human I have ever slept with...the worst decision possible. Well, done HauteMess. Well done...
So to celebrate an evening of poor decisions and mishaps, I temporarily forgot that I am on a strict no carb diet and MUST lose 10lbs, and had the cab stop at a pizza place and ate 2 slices of carb-ilicious pizza before bed.
So what happened the next day?
1. I gained 2lbs
2. I received a text from the Narcissist saying it was a nice surprise to hear from me. (Vom'd in my mouth)
3. Took a laxative to clear my meatfilled intestines...hilarity ensued.
4. Couldn't leave my house for 10hours...(hilarity was massively uncomfortable)
5. Rallied and went to a Saved By The Bell Party as Kelly Kapowski.
6. Was then crowned "Miss Bayside."
7. The End. (for today)