Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A HauteMess Vocab Lesson
So in my dating profile post, I referenced my extensive vocabulary....my vocabulary of offensive, filthy sexual terms. If there was a girl scout badge for a potty mouth, I would have an entire sash full! I fucking love learning new terms, and more importantly, I love sharing these terms with others. Its the gift that keeps on giving (not herpes, that is the OTHER gift that keeps on giving)... Why do I love these so much? I have no friggin idea- but I am the girl that Madame MarriedMess always texts asking, "So remember that one thing when the guy ____ on the girl's ____ and then he _____ her in the ____?" And within seconds I reply back, "Oh yeah- The Dirty Raccoon." It is my gift. So I thought I would reward you all for your loyal readership with a special vocab lesson today...
(ed. note: you know how after manly men open up and share something personal, they feel the need to grunt and scratch themselves immediately after? This post is my version of grunting and yelling for my woman to go grab me another beer...after a little extra soulbearing yesterday with my whole Miss Havisham routine...ARRGHHHH! *scratch scratch*)
The Dirty Sanchez: (I thought I should start off with a popular one...ease you all into this)
When a man places his finger in a girl's 2-hole and then paints a "mustache" on her upper lip. For reference see Samuel "Screech" Powers performing this act in "Saved By The Smell." (I shit you not....pun intended)
When a man is fornicating with a woman in the rear entry position, pulls out, hawks a silent loogie on her back (making her think that he has ejaculated) but continues to "handle his member" so that when she turns around he money shots her right between the eyes (yes I used money shot as a verb there. You're Welcome). It's called Houdini because the spit is just an illusion...get it?
The Non Domestic Violence Version- when a man makes out with a woman so passionately (drunkenly) that her mascara is no longer located ON the eyelashes but rather all around her eyes instead. And then knocks her trash cans over on the way out...
The Domestic Violence Version- when a man is boning a woman and punches her in both eyes (rendering them blackened) and knocks her trash over on the way out...
(i prefer the mascara one...but that's just one girl's opinion)
The Cosby Sweater:
When one partner consumes copious amounts of fruity pebbles, fruit loops, booberry crunch, or any other colorful cereal...initiates sexual intercourse, and proceeds to vomit cereal concoction on partner...creating a colorful coogi like sweater all over the partner's chest.
The Mexican Avalanche:
When a man ejaculates in a woman's hair and throws her down a flight of stairs.
The Tony Danza:
While a woman is fellating a man, he pulls his member out of her mouth and slaps her in the face with it, shouting, "Who's the boss, now?"
Before you ask, let me clarify- NO I DID NOT MAKE THESE UP AND NO I AM NOT PERSONALLY FAMILIAR WITH ANY OF THESE. I don't know how they continue to find me...btu these bits of knowledge seek ME out, I swear. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting someone telling me all about a Rusty Trombone. Depending on how many followers I lose after this display of vulgarity, there may be more to come! Stay tuned....