Monday, August 16, 2010

The New Blogger Application

So as you may remember, Mr. Gaymess is my Gay BFF, my frequent partner in crime, and most recently a contributor to this blog.
After drunken nights at a bar, and hearing his stories of being propositioned for threeways with a neighbor and a joystick, witnessing a coworker give and receive a public handjob on the couch at a swanky gaybar in town, and just the amazing online messages he receives....I knew he had a lot to share with the world, starting with YOU! My favorite readers! :)

BUT, I am more protective of my blog than my own vag...I forced him to fill out an application answering all the questions that I consider to be of PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE!  So read, enjoy, and let me know what you all think!

1. Please state your full blogger name: 
Mr. GayMess.  You may call me Bob Dole.

2. When is the last time you embarrassed yourself? Explain.
Last Saturday morning when a recent hookup messaged me to indicate his ear was “still bleeding” and I had no idea what he was talking about.

3. What if your favorite hand gesture?
The thumbs-up, hands-down. 
 It indicates that I’m hip and on board with whatever you’re telling me, even though I’m so confused I have no idea what’s going on.    I usually give it to drug dealers I am befriending or homeless people asking me for lighters.

4. Who's hotter-  John Stamos or Bob Sagat?
I’ve hated Bob Sagat from the moment I first laid eyes on him.  John Stamos doesn’t do much for me but he definitely wins this contest between unequals. (EPIC FAIL!  Uncle Jesse is fucking hot and you should know better!)

5. If you had to be stuck on a desert island with any girl/dog combo- who would it be?

Mademoiselle Hautemess & Bitchy Little Ratdog….. DUH! (if you had said anyone else, Bitchy Little Rat Dog would have given you a Molotov Cocktail for your housewarming party)

6.  Explain how you would react in this scenario: Its 3am on a Wednesday Night (Thursday morning for you early birds) and you hear someone in a nearby park yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  What do you do?
This is the norm in my neighborhood, so I will roll over and go to sleep. (editor's note: he reacts the same way when I call him late night and yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! into the phone)

7. In an ideal world, how many times a week would you have to call the cops about something happening in your neighborhood?
In an ideal world, none.  Sometimes I do have to alert the po-po that upsetting behavior is going on in the street.  I usually give them some time to work it out on their own before involving the law, but sometimes it’s necessary.

8. Its 1am on a Friday night, and Mademoiselle HauteMess is hungry- what do you feed her?
Pizza.  Wait—ONLY 1 am?  More liquor. (perfect answer....pizza and booze is ALWAYS the right answer)

9. You are at a club with Mademoiselle HauteMess and you both spot an attractive potential mate- problem is that you are both after the same exact guy...how do you determine who should go after him?
One by one, we begin to exclaim, “EXCUSE ME, HOMOSEXUAL?” 
 And take careful note of how the potential mates respond.

10. Dry handjob or punch in the stomach?
I’m guessing this is a joke.  Dry handjob.  100 of them.  1000 of them.  No contest. (editor's note: this is NO joke...I hear that dry handjobs are the pits.  At least that's what my straight friends say!)

11. Have you ever shit yourself? If yes, would you ever blog about it?  If no, would you ever consider doing it so that you could blog about it?
No, and no.  But I would definitely be tempted to, and might under a pseudonym.

12.  Why do you think HauteMess thinks you are so fucking special?
It’s rumored that we share genes. (and my mom says that you were the most gorgeous, angelic baby she has ever seen...if push ever came to shove, I believe that she would adopt you and disown me...but I am just speculating)

13.  Do blonds have more fun? Explain.
Only when I’m fucking them.  That’s an extremely douchey thing to say.  And since I stand by it, I might be a douche.  GD it. (hands down, GAYEST thing you have ever said! smooches!)

14.  You have to marry one, fuck one, kill one: Celine Dion, Barbara Streisand, Liza Minelli.
Who are these people? 
 What do you think I am, some kind of fucking homo?

15. Same deal...marry one, fuck one, kill one: (all from the jersey shore) The Situation, DJ Pauly D, Vinny.
Again, who are these people?
(5min later) Mademoiselle Hautemess has educated me and I have come to the following conclusions:  Kill: DJ Pauly D.  He’s a fucking douche and I hate his hair.  Fuck:  The Situation to get him out of the way.  (Thank God I believe in protection.)  Mary:  Vinny because… HELLO?  He’s cute (minimally)!   (Still wearing protection.)


16.  If HauteMess woke up on your couch on a Saturday morning, what would she find?
A hairball or two. 
 Possibly a pair of shoes belonging to a gentleman neither of us know.  And a kitchen sink full of upside down 16 oz. Natty Light cans.

17.  Please describe in detail the kind of guy that you think HauteMess should date/marry:
A dude who can GIT-R-DONE. 
 For real. (very articulate)

18. Please describe in detail the kind of guy that you think you should date/marry:

Look, if he’s over 21, attractive, and we have 1 or 2 things in common, I’m good.  But I only find 5% of the male population attractive.
19.  Who should get a boyfriend first: you or HauteMess?
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.  I’m older.

20. If you could describe the way these questions made you feel, using one word only, what would it be?
Degraded. (i wish I could apologize...but alas, I am not sorry)

I thank Mr. Gaymess for taking the time to fill out this survey.  The selection committee will be back to him ASAP...further blogpost explantions are needed and expected for the following answers: Q2, Q6, Q7, Q9, Q18...and we shall never speak of Q13 again...ever.

5 comments:

  1. I vote a firm YES on Proposition GayMess.

    Also I have a thing for gay men, generally. I think it's the challenge...

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree! But I love gay men because they tell me I am pretty and appreciate my outfit choices...and they never choose a remote control over me!

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's possible the straight guys hating dry handjobs thing has to do with the ladies administering them. Do these straight guys masturbate strictly with lubrication? I doubt it. That's just a theory.

    ReplyDelete
  4. It's possible the straight guys hating dry handjobs thing has to do with the ladies administering them. Do these straight guys masturbate strictly with lubrication? I doubt it. That's just a theory.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I vote a firm YES on Proposition GayMess.

    Also I have a thing for gay men, generally. I think it's the challenge...

    - B x

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails