Monday, August 23, 2010

SHOCKING CONFESSION: I Have Feelings...Like Deep Ones and Stuff

I know I play it all tough usually- and while I so love being single and refuse to alter my life or chase after some man who doesn't want me...we all have "the one who got away."  I would like to believe that those feeling will eventually go away just as quickly as his love and affection...but alas, I am sitting here 2 years almost to the day after our explosively public, miserable break up thinking about him nostalgically.  Would I do this if I was still with Ballsy?  Or Biz? The short answer is: Probably.

I was once asked if I am afraid of commitment, and if this fear is responsible for why I am so attracted to other commitmentphobe men.  Wow! Ouch!  I also had a good friend say to me when I told him about the Ballsy break up, "Wow, that was shortlived.  Don't worry about it though.  You will find someone else. You always do."  WOW....OUCH!  And then when I was taking a quiz on OK Cupid last month I was asked how long my typical relationships are...and I wasn't sure if I should count the ones in the past 2 years or the 2 very serious ones before that...4 months vs. Several years. 

This all got me thinking.  Maybe I am afraid of commitment!  I mean, why have I been running from every guy who wants to be serious with me and chasing after the ones who don't.  (especially when history has told me that they will NOT love me and stay with me)

                         GOOD CHOICE                VS.               BAD CHOICE

But what I have realized is that I am not afraid of commitment; I am actually an excellent girlfriend who is very dedicated and loyal...but it has just been so long since I have been in that kind of relationship.  I am afraid of the relationship failure and that aftermath...I am afraid of the heartbreak.  I used to be a very different girl than the one you know now...now I look for love, but not too hard.  I want a boyfriend...but not enough to sacrifice myself.  I dream of a soulmate...but I don't really share my soul.  Not anymore, that is.

And I sit here, 2 years after my last gut wrenching heartbreak and miss him...and think about jumping his bones in a most epic The Notebook Noah & Ally sex scene in the rain kind of way.   Why? Because I have feelings dammit!  I bottle them up most days of the year or I medicate them with heavy doses of vodka and wine...but today, on this single-versary....in a very uncharacteristic way- I tell you that I have feelings and they are still longing for that love that I thought would last forever.  Those feeling are not directed specifically at Mr Apathetic and his 2nd trimester beer gut (developed after our breakup- thank you, karma!) because he is the right guy for me...but more directed at that time in my life when I unquestioningly trusted someone and loved them so completely that I couldn't imagine my life without them. 

I want that again.  But I may be too scared to find it.  And for that,  I say FUCK YOU, Mr. Apathetic/Cupid/Jeff from Season 3 of SBTB who stole Kelly from Zack.  You may have stolen the best of those feelings, rendering my future relationship efforts half assed and fruitless. EFF YOOOOOUUUUUU!

(P.S. God, I miss Carbs)

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