Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Stash

So while "Fall Cleaning" my room and preparing for the carpet cleaning company to come scrub the party soil from my carpet. (note: I have lived in this condo for 4 years, hosted approximately 15 parties, and never had the carpet cleaned...Resolve Stain spray worked fine for the first 2 years...and then it was just laziness. Sue me.)  I knew that I was going to get horrific sideways glancing from this cleaning crew...probably thinking silently, "What does this bitch do? Knead dirt and red wine into these carpets?"  The answer to that question is..."Yes, and I puked over the side of my bed last Halloween, too." (Resolve carpet spot remover, yo)

I was fully prepared for the dirty looks and the judginess from the dirt, but I was going to be damned if that carpet cleaning crew found anything else incriminating.  So I cleaned...and I cleaned...and I got tired.  I made it to clean under my bed, thinking I would just pull out the rubbermaid tubs containing clothing that holds more costume value than actual fashion credibility (hey, you never know when you will need a green plaid blazer!) and just be done with it all.

Sidenote: Bitchy Little Rat Dog LOVES going under my bed while I shower. Why?  I have no fucking clue.  She is WEIRD.  It's like the sound of the running water in the shower brings back a 'Nam flashback and she must take cover.  I have tried to prevent such actions by lining all sides of my bed with rubbermaid tubs of old clothes and wrapping paper. (The wrapping paper was an attempt to be Martha Stewart-like's the thought that counts) I was able to successfully block off both side of the bed but not the edge of my bed where the hope chest sits- and I figured that was too low for her to crawl under. WRONG!  That little bitch flattens her tiny body and army crawls under the 6inch opening of the hope chest at the edge of my bed and slinks into the 8inch slot between the rubbermaids to hide while I shower and get ready for work/going out/lounging alone in the house.  I have given up on trying to block the bed or coaxing her out...its pretty harmless right?

(Resume original story)

As I am pulling out these rubbermaids to allow the cleaning crew full reign to clean under the bed, I saw IT......


In her little 8inch by 20 inch crawlspace, she had successfully been able to scavenge and store 3 pairs of underwear (only 2 of them were mine...fucking awesome), countless QTips, and a fluffy nest of shredded tissues.  SICK!  I feel like a mom who found her son's porn stash under his bed....but then realized it was all midget + donkey porn.  WHY?!?  WHY MY CHILD?!?!  DEVIANT!  SEXUAL DEVIANT!!

Where is the hell did she get a pair of thong underwear that don't belong to me?  A special sorry to all of my weekend guests who have changed in my room/showered in my bathroom/donated your dirty panties to my dog.

The first time she did this, I felt a little annoyed.  But now, I just feel like I walked into the Dog Version of a scene from Seven....unclean.  Must take shower now....

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