Tuesday, August 17, 2010

TMI Tuesday or 101 Ways to Get Fired

Ever have one of those moments where you saw something bad coming, and your instincts kept saying- NO! STOP, STOP! - but your morbid curiosity paralyzes your vocal cords and your brain is on a 10second delay?  Yep, I had one of those moments today at work.

While at Lollapalooza, Mademoiselle Blondemess and I decided to drink 2 bottles of wine each and film a "Time Capsule" during the Chromeo concert, I mean, I am sure that is what every 7th grade girl wants to do, right?  Film a time capsule with her BFF...shit yes!  Awesome ideas typically are born from a wine, sunshine, a thirteen year old's mentality, and a crowd of 95,000 people milling around drunk/high/dressed like Lady Gaga.
I have the faintest memories of these videos being fucking oscar worthy- like put it away in a lockbox and have the President of the United States press play in 2110 to celebrate its 100 year anniversary.  In my mind, it will be bigger than The Chronicles of Narnia, The Odyssey, and War and Peace combined...it is destined to be nearly as epic as Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion!

So naturally, I was devastated when I couldn't hear the audio from my digital camera.  I assumed that the microphone on my camera was busted and nearly hurled myself out the third floor window, and since I haven't connected my camera to my computer since the fateful weekend when Mr. Ballsy dropped the mother fucking L-bomb on me...then unceremoniously dumped me 5 days later...but I digress.  Point being, I am super lazy about uploading my pictures- mostly because there aren't any that I have wanted to become my new facebook photo.  BUT, today while a colleague was uploading some work photos from my camera- I (very excitedly) took the opportunity to see if the videos on my camera had working audio.

Brilliant, right?  What could possibly go wrong?

So I am sitting there with two of my team members, intently watching a computer screen of my drunken face being interviewed by Madmoiselle Blondemess....I knew that I shouldn't watch it with people who are supposed to work with me day in day out AND maybe even respect me.  BUT, once it started playing, I just couldn't wait to hear what winesoaked BS was going to fall out of my mouth.  It was very literally like watching a trainwreck happen in slow-mo...you want to look away, but you can't...you want to scream, but you sit in silence.

The time capsule filming went something like this:
Me: "OK...so start asking hard questions...like really REALLY hard questions.
Mlle Blonde: "What's your favorite color?"
Me: "NO! (hiccup) Bitch! I Said HARD questions!" (bloodshot eyes rolling)
Mlle Blonde: "OK, how about this one.  Name 3 qualities that you are looking for in you future husband."
Me: (giggling) "Number 1: Single. HASSter be singull! (hiccup)Two: Sexable and Three: Profitable! Hehehe" (mentally patting myself on the back for being sooo clever)
Mlle Blonde: "No way! I am not going to let you get away with that...be real! I know you aren't that shallow...be real!"
Me: "Ughh...okee, fiii-nuh! (hiccup) Because, guess whaa?? Imu gonna git MARRIED someday!  Fuck what mah mom sez...I am getting murried! (hiccup)"
(editors note: at this point in the movie, I REALLY knew that I should press stop...but good decisions aren't really my thing lately...)
Mlle Blonde: "That is true. You will get married."
Me: "Ohh-KAY!  So firrsss of all (hiccup) he has to be HILL-AIR-EE-US! I mean I never want to stop laughing. Ima gonna have AHMAYZING abs! We will never stop laughing!"
(inner monologue at work: aww, kinda cute...pretty sincere...maybe it is a good idea to let my team members see this side of me.)
Me: "Annnd...Annd....Annnd....My vagina is gonna hurt so bad because we will bone all the time...."
(Female colleague frantically searching for the stop button...gasps heard around the world...awkward staring....face blushing....colleagues thinking to themselves "That's my boss...her? really?")

REALLY? In the office....at work....I allowed my team to watch a video of me drunkenly being interviewed a Lollapalooza saying,
"MY.VAGINA.IS.GONNA.HURT.SO.BAD"  
Are you fucking kidding me?  I couldn't possibly be more mortified.  I am supposed to be a fucking professional!  Kill me now.

Yes...bad decision August continues.

3 comments:

  1. Well bitch... It DOES SOOOOO have to be a requirement for them to be well endowed... I mean really do you want to spend the rest of your life with a small cock???

    No, no...

    Perfect qualities if you ask me hooker!!! Least it wasn't your Grandma hoe!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well bitch... It DOES SOOOOO have to be a requirement for them to be well endowed... I mean really do you want to spend the rest of your life with a small cock???

    No, no...

    Perfect qualities if you ask me hooker!!! Least it wasn't your Grandma hoe!

    ReplyDelete

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