Friday, September 17, 2010

Breaking It Off with My Fair Gaydy

Happy BlogStalk Friday!  Click the hot link to the right to connect to One Crazy Brunette!
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So you remember the guy I met on OK Cupid? This one.

Well, as I briefly mentioned before I went to Vegas, our last date left me...turned off.  And the first date wasn't even that good either.  I struggled with whether or not to write about this because I had hoped he could clean up his act and then didn't want to post anything incriminating.  I mean, the odds of me screwing up a budding relationship on my own without the help of this blog are strong to quite strong, so I didn't want to have the blog add any fuel to that fire.  BUT- I have since decided that this boy is not salvageable, and thus fair game for blockery. (blocker = blog + mockery, genius eh?)


Sign #1 that this wouldn't work:

I actually believe that he is gay.  I love gay guys...Mr. GayMess is one of my BFFs for sure.  But I don't try to have sex with my gay friends. (sidenote: also I don't try to have sex with relatives)   First of all, he just puts off the air of "I would suck dick if it was socially acceptable to my conservative family in Texas" vibe.   I actually texted Mademoiselle Blondemess "He is either gay or stoned. I can't tell.  But he is gorgeous enough that I'll give him 60min to change my mind."

Then, he actually asked me what my Audrey Hepburn movie was....AND HAD AN OPINION ON IT!  When I said "Breakfast At Tiffany's," he basically scoffed and said that "My Fair Lady" was the best.  To which I IMMEDIATELY texted Mr. GayMess (yes, while I was on the date I was texting concerns about his sexuality...I'm a bitch.)  Mr. GayMess promptly replied, "MY FAIR GAYDY!! HAHAHAHAHA"  And since that moment, he has been dubbed My Fair Gaydy for casual conversation.

Sign #2 that this wouldn't work:
On our first date, he corrected my grammar.  I said "farther."  And he said, "You mean FURTHER.  Farther is use in relation to physical distance.  Further is used when speaking of metaphorical distance."  *SKRRRRR- record scratch*  Nerd-Fucking-Alert.  I should have known.  However, I convinced myself that he was just "really smart" and "helpful."  NO- he was pretentious and CORRECTED ME!  I, in fact, am not even sure that I said it incorrectly.

Sign #3 that this wouldn't work:
On our second date, when he kissed me, I was shocked.  I was so shocked that he put moves on me and not some dude in the public bathroom that I didn't even enjoy kissing him.  I mean, mechanically speaking, he was a good kisser, but I felt nothing.  No butterflies, no urge to squeeze his adorable face off.   And most definitely no urge to invite him inside.


Sign #4 that this wouldn't work:
Our entire 3rd date.  First he was 20 minutes late.  So while I waited for him at the wine bar, I befriended another single gal at the bar who was drinking away the remnants of a date failure from earlier in the evening.  We bonded over tasting the same wine and thinking it was interesting and refreshing.  I felt close enough to her in those 20minute to reveal my concerns with My Fair Gaydy's sexuality.  She offered to stay for a couple minutes and use her "Gaydar" that she fine-tuned while living in San Francisco for 6 years.  Her immediate assessment? "Oh he is totally gay.  But it doesn't even matter because there is something else wrong with him that I can't put my finger on.  It's like he isn't even interested in you at all."  OUCH!  BUT his actions were very different once she left.  It was almost as if her existence bothered him to the point of becoming a Gay Mime.

He proceeded to call me "bitch" 9 times throughout the night...not like, "You're a fucking bitch."  But more like, "I love Gossip Girl too, Bitch!" I was totally waiting for the Z formation snaps.  Instead, he bit my shoulder twice throughout the night when I would try to speak to other people....like the fucking bartender!  Creep.

The real cherry on top of the whole annoying experience was when he EXCLAIMED after sharing a bottle of wine with me...at a wine bar, no less...."Yooouu got meee dee-runk. *hicup* Wine has 13% alcohol by volume and beer only has 4%.  So its like I had 12 beers."  NOOOO....that is not at all what its like.  If you drank 36oz of wine, maybe.  At this point, I was so disgusted that he was that drunk and then blamed it on me that I couldn't even stand it.  So I just went to my car and said good night.  I need a man who can take me out, split a bottle of wine with me AND THEN drive me home safely.  Not some sissy who starts slurring.

Anyhow, I basically decided while on the plane to Vegas that this was not something that I ever wanted to repeat.  So I had to tell him this week when he texted and asked me if I wanted to hang out...and he seemed shocked that I wasn't interested.  REALLY?  Were you and I on the SAME DATE?!?!  The one where you called me "bitch," bit me, and then drunkenly stumbled around the streets of Mt. Landmine?

Back to square one.  I have been asked out a couple times using my new profile.  So we shall see how that turns out!

7 comments:

  1. Just read your new profile and I think I just met my soul mate. You are hilarious!

    Hopefully the dates to come go farther (not further). :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bahaha you're awesome! I mean this dude is obviously gay (or European! oh wait, he's from texas.) I'm a new follower/lurkey/I'm not sure how I found you but I'm glad I did hahah! Your story made my morning!

    ReplyDelete
  3. He may have been acting gay because he thinks it's what women like. You should have given him a raw carrot to eat, that's a foolproof test.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow! I'm loving this blog. I can so relate to being just upfront about facts that have happened when dating. It's tough, and for me blogging about it helps me to release the saga of it all. I linked to you from AliceX and now I see why. This blog rocks! I will be back soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "It was almost as if her existence bothered him to the point of becoming a Gay Mime." = best sentence ever ;) I died laughing. Sorry things didn't work out w/him. Did he at least pay for the wine?

    xx,
    Delilah

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow! I'm loving this blog. I can so relate to being just upfront about facts that have happened when dating. It's tough, and for me blogging about it helps me to release the saga of it all. I linked to you from AliceX and now I see why. This blog rocks! I will be back soon.

    ReplyDelete
  7. He may have been acting gay because he thinks it's what women like. You should have given him a raw carrot to eat, that's a foolproof test.

    ReplyDelete

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