Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My 10 Point Plan to Happiness/Not Ending Up Like Lindsay Lohan

After my Friday night relapse into star of the alcoholic shitshow, I vowed to make changes...and then I proceeded to drink so much vodka on Sunday afternoon that I crawled on the floor looking for a scrabble piece and then started rolling around flashdance style.  So...yeah....mission NOT accomplished.

However, I think I have developed a 10 Point Plan to prevent myself from fading into the Lindsay Lohan tunnel of oblivion.
1. Stop drunk dialing The Narcissist...and try to forget that I have memorized his cell and blackberry in some Rain Man like display of talent.  On Friday night, I called him and agreed to meet him out at a bar...no worries, it was an empty promise since it was 11:30pm and I had already sent myself home from the bar.  I woke up the next morning with several "where are you?" and "sorry we missed you" texts....mother fucker!

2. Stop calling friends and conning them into giving me Mr. Ballsy's phone number.  Because when i called him? It was like a mother fucking middle school note.
"Hey! What's up?"
"Not much here."
"I got iced twice tonight."
"Cool."
"Welp, see ya later."

3. Stop getting "iced."  It is NOT delicious and I fucking grayed out. (gray out = almost blacking out...you still remember evertything but have no earthly idea why in Gods name you would do any of that shit)

4. Forget every single ex boyfriend I have ever had...if I forget their names, it will make it hard or me to remember to call them. Drunk dialing is such a dirty habit...

5. Stop trying to date gay guys...

6.  STOP DRUNK DIALING.

7. Face raping My Fair Gaydy is not sexy...especially when I am falling down drunk and he is 100% sober...that may cross a line from cute harmless face rape (make out) to legit date rape.  I don't want to be the only girl in school date raped by her gay boyfriend.

8.  Continue my no carb + heavy generic latisse routine.  Vanity WILL keep me warm at night. 

9.  Quit OK Cupid.  I mean, I legitimately am terrified to meet anyone after the whole My Fair Gaydy and 23 year old bi kid.  AND I can honestly say that I have a decreasing desire to use my free nights to socialize with socially awkward strangers when I can either work out and not re-primp alone on my couch with vampire fiction OR spend time with my friends. 

10. Repeat steps 1-6...drunk dialing is such a pathetic habit.

I shall revise this list as soon as I stop beating myself up for overindulging in Schmirnoff Ice and Schmirnoff 100 Proof vodka...and I have heard that Mr. GayMess may also be looking for a 10 Point plan...and it very likely includes some awesome OK Cupid resolutions!

5 comments:

  1. Drunk Dialing is the devil. I had the worst DD addiction during college...I practically called/txted everyone in my phone, including my poor parents on a few occasions (always fun to explain those).

    I have now adopted the habit of handing my phone off to my friends when I'm out if I feel the urge to do something really fucking stupid (aka DD an ex or a new boy toy)...that way they are in control and I can't do any serious damage (well, in areas aside from my bar tab that is lol).

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  2. I love your posts and I cringe because I am guilty for doing the samethings. Last night as a matter of fact. I linked you as my post yesterday. You are very entertaining!

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  3. hahhahahha well hey at least you are not a coke meth addict... right... could be worse lol

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  4. Well, honey, the key to drunk dialing is not mnding if they DO turn up at 3am, cool whip in hand and ready to party.

    What?

    That's not what you say when you drunk dial an ex?

    Oh okay. Never mind.

    *cough*

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  5. Drunk Dialing is the devil. I had the worst DD addiction during college...I practically called/txted everyone in my phone, including my poor parents on a few occasions (always fun to explain those).

    I have now adopted the habit of handing my phone off to my friends when I'm out if I feel the urge to do something really fucking stupid (aka DD an ex or a new boy toy)...that way they are in control and I can't do any serious damage (well, in areas aside from my bar tab that is lol).

    ReplyDelete

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