After my Friday night relapse into star of the alcoholic shitshow, I vowed to make changes...and then I proceeded to drink so much vodka on Sunday afternoon that I crawled on the floor looking for a scrabble piece and then started rolling around flashdance style. So...yeah....mission NOT accomplished.
However, I think I have developed a 10 Point Plan to prevent myself from fading into the Lindsay Lohan tunnel of oblivion.
2. Stop calling friends and conning them into giving me Mr. Ballsy's phone number. Because when i called him? It was like a mother fucking middle school note.
"Hey! What's up?"
"Not much here."
"I got iced twice tonight."
"Welp, see ya later."
3. Stop getting "iced." It is NOT delicious and I fucking grayed out. (gray out = almost blacking out...you still remember evertything but have no earthly idea why in Gods name you would do any of that shit)
4. Forget every single ex boyfriend I have ever had...if I forget their names, it will make it hard or me to remember to call them. Drunk dialing is such a dirty habit...
5. Stop trying to date gay guys...
6. STOP DRUNK DIALING.
7. Face raping My Fair Gaydy is not sexy...especially when I am falling down drunk and he is 100% sober...that may cross a line from cute harmless face rape (make out) to legit date rape. I don't want to be the only girl in school date raped by her gay boyfriend.
8. Continue my no carb + heavy generic latisse routine. Vanity WILL keep me warm at night.
9. Quit OK Cupid. I mean, I legitimately am terrified to meet anyone after the whole My Fair Gaydy and 23 year old bi kid. AND I can honestly say that I have a decreasing desire to use my free nights to socialize with socially awkward strangers when I can either work out and not re-primp alone on my couch with vampire fiction OR spend time with my friends.
10. Repeat steps 1-6...drunk dialing is such a pathetic habit.
I shall revise this list as soon as I stop beating myself up for overindulging in Schmirnoff Ice and Schmirnoff 100 Proof vodka...and I have heard that Mr. GayMess may also be looking for a 10 Point plan...and it very likely includes some awesome OK Cupid resolutions!