Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The ONE Time a Year I Wish I Had a Boyfriend

I am such a fucking baby when I am sick...and my incessant deep-seeded desire to be a totally independent woman only makes it worse.

I hate that I have such amazing friends who find out I am sick and are all like, "Can I bring you anything? Soup? Medicine?  Let me know and I will be there for you!"  This sounds nice, of course.  But the reality is that it just reminds me what a huge bitch I am because they have all told me how sick they are and I'm usually all like, "Man, sucks to be you.  Call me in 3-5 days when the incubation period is over."

So when people ask me how they can help, I do the normal thing...LIE.  I say something clever like, "Thank you so much, but  I have everything I need here." or "Senorita CalienteMess already promised to pick that up." (note: I have never asked her to pick it up...see? super clever.)

Unfortunately this scenario usually ends up with me wearing sweatpants and a snuggie on my couch, asking Bitchy Little Rat Dog why she doesn't love me enough to buy me some cough medicine.  And then inevitably, my cough gets so bad that I succumb to my desire for Nyquil and run out to the nearest CVS.  Except I don't feel like changing out of my sweats, but I also don't want to look like a I just throw on a designer sweater over my sweat pants, slip on my dress shoes from work, and drive up to the pharmacy.  I call it my Business Casual meets Herione Chic look.

If I had a boyfriend, I could have made HIM do myself the eventual embarrassment of running into someone I know looking like I slept over at a college boy's dorm room last night.

If I allowed a friend to pick up meds for me, it would go something like this:
"Oh gee, thanks...Yes.  I DID ask for vitamins...but what I meant to say was that I wanted GUMMY vitamins. It's really.  It's the thought that counts. And yeah- I did say Nyquil, but I don't like the green kind.  I only drink the red flavor.  No need for another trip.  You have done enough for me already.  Thanks so much!" *garbage can lid rings and I toss the bag o' goodies*

BUT if it were a BOYFRIEND,  he would definitely already know the drill and call me from the store aisle so I could be like:
"Ooh yeah, I want the gummy vitamins and cherry cough meds and popcicles and sour patch kids and coke zero and a book of crosswords and surprise me with something with glitter- anything sparkly!  Or with feathers.  Hurry over!  OH- and can you rent 'Mean Girls' from Blockbuster too?  Isn't McDonald's drive thru next door? Yep- $1 sundae, please! Promise I'll be good to you as soon as I am less contagious."

See the difference?  Instead, I run to CVS looking like a hobo who went to the nice Goodwill.  By the time I get home, Senorita CalienteMess asked me why I was chugging Nyquil.

My reply?
"Are you kidding? What else am I going to do home alone?  I plan to get high enough to make up for the fact that I can't drink while I am sick."

BOOM! Roasted.  Effing single life.


  1. my man doe snot care when I am sick I still have to get it all done-but when he is sick OMG life is over-I call it the man cold and even had a post about it lol check it out if you get a chance-feel better!

  2. Been there, at least twice a year. I always feel sorry for the small children who I know must be scared when they see me in public wearing oversized pj pants tucked into fuggs and two layers of long-sleeved t-shirts left-over from high school sports.

    Small town folks just think I rolled out of the trailer park, no need to explain a thing.

  3. My boyfriend is hopeless with medical supplies, right now he has a gross chesty cough, which he seems to be determined to give to me. I have told him for the past 2 weeks to get some cough medicine and yet he hasn't. I asked him why when he works near a pharmacy, he replied i'm a man i can fight it off. Yeah right, he's wheezing like an 80 year old!

  4. You're so right... that's all a boyfriend is really good for anyway. That and sex... but then other people's boyfriends are good for that too... (did I just say that out loud?) Hope you feel better, babe.

  5. You're so right... that's all a boyfriend is really good for anyway. That and sex... but then other people's boyfriends are good for that too... (did I just say that out loud?) Hope you feel better, babe.



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