Monday, September 20, 2010

That's Not Thunder, That's God Judging Me

I just "woke up" at 3am on a Sunday Night/Monday morning...wearing a 3 Wolf Moon t-shirt, listening to White Town "I Could Never Be Your Woman" with a distinct feeling that OK Cupid is a disaster. (this will feel like deja vu later...it's not...its just me being honest about how I remember my own material) And when Bitchy Little Rat Dog heard thunder outside, I said OUT LOUD- "That's not thunder; that's God judging me...."



So...as soon as I say that I broke things off with Mr Fair Gaydy, I decided to invite him over, while drunk on slim fast and vodka, to tell him I think he is gay and make out. Brilliant? Yes. Thank you.

I also, drunkenly accepted a date with a 23 year old that I later found out was also listed on gay dating sites and Mr. GayMess had ranked him 4 out of 5 stars, as well.   When I decided it would be a good idea to send him a message, asking the following:
 I do have one question though- my friend thinks you look super familiar... are you by any chance on any gay dating sites? If not, do you have any friends/enemies who would have posted your pics to OK Cupid and listed you as interested in men?
To which I received an IMMEDIATE REPLY on my iPhone...
"im bi"

To which I REPLIED:
"cool"

WTF???  Why do I only meet gay boys on OK Cupid? And better yet- why in GOD'S NAME DID I INVITE MY FAIR GAYDY TO MY HOUSE TO PLAY SCRABBLE tonight while consuming nothing but slim fast and vodka??  I literally told him that I think he is gay.  And when he said he wasn't- I ARGUED WITH HIM.  And then made out with him. (please note: food consumed prior to said events (over the course of 9hours) = 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, 1 piece of string cheese, 1 dannon greek yogurt, 3 slim fast & 100 proof vodkas....)

It's cool, I am legally changing my name to HauteMess. No big deal.

Dear Judge,
Need more proof that my legal name should be HauteMess?  Let me just copy and paste (no edits, just a straight up copy and paste job) some emails I wrote TO MYSELF from my own bed at 3am on a Monday morning:


Email # 1: 2:24AM 9/20/10
"I woke up wearing a 3 wolf moon t shirt and a distinct feeling that ok cupid is a disaster. From the bisexual 23 yer old to the makeout session with my fair gaydy- after telling him I figured he was gay... No good can come from a site that allows people to determine their own strengths. I am a fucking mess and it allowed me to pretend to be cool! So there."


Email #2: 2:47AM 9/20/10
"As white town, I could never be your woman emerges triumphantly from my iPhone- I can only hope my roommate hears it and thinks- Oh Gawd! Save her from herself!!!"


Email #3: 3:04AM 9/20/10
"And remnants of your self applied monacle and mustache tattoos are still on your hands" (yes I took a sharpie and drew a monacle tattoo on the inside of my left hand and applied a temporary tattoo of a mustache on the inside of my right index finger...its still somewhat visible.  And yes, I think I wrote that to myself in the style of "You Might Be a HauteMess If...)

Sincerely,
HauteMess

p.s. Need more proof?  remind me to just rip off the bandaid and tell you later about how I called and spoke to The Narcissist and Mr. Ballsy on Friday night.

 

6 comments:

  1. Why is it so many young gays are unaware of their gaydom? You just want to shake them and say "EMBRACE IT! and stop making us date you damnit!!"

    I dated a gay guy for a few months. But he was the most popular guy in town and his parents were hells angels and not REALLY okay with the whole "Be who you want to be" thing.

    Great kisser though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Calling a man gay is practically asking him to fuck you. There was a famous scene in Midnight Cowboy where a horny woman got Joe Buck to service her by calling him gay. If he IS gay, of course, he might not oblige. The fact that he only made out with you makes me suspicious.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just RE-entered the dating world. I am now scared. Very scared.

    Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. @Lady B- as much as I want to help these young me find themselves, I just can't be with a guy who also likes the D. At least not when I obviously know he does...

    @ Gorilla - I kicked him out of my house...my roommate thinks that he would have taken advantage of me while falling down drunk had I not said "OK- you can go now. Leave."

    @GEB- I hear it gets better...fingers crossed for us single gals!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just RE-entered the dating world. I am now scared. Very scared.

    Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why is it so many young gays are unaware of their gaydom? You just want to shake them and say "EMBRACE IT! and stop making us date you damnit!!"

    I dated a gay guy for a few months. But he was the most popular guy in town and his parents were hells angels and not REALLY okay with the whole "Be who you want to be" thing.

    Great kisser though.

    ReplyDelete

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