As some of you may know, I have been MIA the past 5 days while I was in the south celebrating my brother's wedding. I must say- it was an awesome display of love and drunkenness. It was a full on shit show that resulted in the following:
- Insomnia at night/sleeping like a college student by day
- Insatiable appetite for pizza
- + 3 lbs (see above)
- Oral herpes False Alarm (I was SOOO confused. I mean, I didn't even face rape one single guy! as it turns out, I cut my lip and didn't remember it- when I woke up and felt a little pain in the corner of my mouth, I immediately thought, "Just my fucking luck- I take a sip off a groomsman's drink and catch le herp...FML." FALSE ALARM!)
Stop giving my number to 23 year olds!
During my moving rendition of "Bust A Move" at our 3rd stop on the pub crawl, I saw a swarthy young buck making eyes at me. I strategically placed myself near him with my nearly empty drink and a "Hey there, Hot Stuff!" look in my eye. He, of course, was incredibly impressed with my Young MC impression and couldn't resist the opportunity to tell me so. (SCORE! This is going to be my new go-to pick up line!) We talked, we laughed, we flirted, and then I asked what brought him to Charlotte from Milwaukee only 3 weeks ago. The answer??? Just graduated from college. I immediately saved his phone number in my phone as "Patrick Hot 22"- but I thought I should check on his age, just in case. Turns out that his is actually 23! He then asked me how old I am? Naturally, I looked him dead in the eyes and coolly said, "24!"
His reply? "Really?? I thought you were 25." ZING! I mean, I knew that Avon Cream was working...and I really hoped it would make me look more than 3 years younger. Anyhow, we exchanged numbers in order to meet up at another bar that evening. I wasn't quite drunk enough for a classic dance floor face rape, but I had a strong feeling that 4 bars later- I would be up for just about anything! Our paths never crossed again that night and I filed him under, "Cute Missed Opportunities" in my memory bank.
UNTIL... this adorable little whipper snapper then chose to annoy the shit out of me the rest of the weekend with an incessant string of texts asking "What are you up to tonight?" HELLO! I told you that I was in town for my brother's wedding- so that is probably what I will be doing that night...fucking duh! My responses got more and more curt as the days wore on, and then I just stopped replying when he asked if he could crash my brother's wedding.
Yes, you are cute- but you are no fucking Vince Vaughn. OF COURSE you cannot crash his wedding- I met you at a karaoke bar 2 nights ago and saw you butcher "My Girl." You are not exactly ready to be introduced to my family- all 40 cousins and 20 aunts and uncles and not to mention being crowned "worst bridesmaid ever" if I were to start inviting randoms off the street.
He is now filed under, "Reasons Why I didn't Date 23 Year Olds Even When I Was 23."
More examples in that file? The 23 year old bi kid who also texted me all weekend to ask me to hang out.
On my updated Birthday Wish List (still 4 more shopping days until I turn 28!) I am now adding a man who is old enough to have least been in in middle school when Boyz II Men "I'll Make Love to You" was popular.
I have 2 more weddings this season, and I will be damned if I receive another text from a 23 year old during them!
I shall add more updates about my magical wedding weekend as my health improves and my voice comes back and I stop eating carbs again. Hope you are looking forward to it as much as I am!