Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Wedding Season Part Deux


As some of you may know, I have been MIA the past 5 days while I was in the south celebrating my brother's wedding.  I must say- it was an awesome display of love and drunkenness.  It was a full on shit show that resulted in the following:
  • Laryngitis
  • Insomnia at night/sleeping like a college student by day
  • Insatiable appetite for pizza
  • + 3 lbs (see above)
  • Oral herpes False Alarm (I was SOOO confused.  I mean, I didn't even face rape one single guy!  as it turns out, I cut my lip and didn't remember it- when I woke up and felt a little pain in the corner of my mouth, I immediately thought, "Just my fucking luck- I take a sip off a groomsman's drink and catch le herp...FML."  FALSE ALARM!)
The wedding weekend consisted of 5 solid days of drinking...I felt like I was in college, except not as resilient.  Wednesday night hookah + beer.  Thursday night pub crawl until 3am --> the bride puked, the groom passed out in the back of a cab with $28 of McDonald's drive thru but lost his 5 day old iPhone 4G.  At that same pub crawl? I gave out my number...and learned the most important dating lesson yet....

Stop giving my number to 23 year olds!

During my moving rendition of "Bust A Move" at our 3rd stop on the pub crawl, I saw a swarthy young buck making eyes at me.  I strategically placed myself near him with my nearly empty drink and a "Hey there, Hot Stuff!" look in my eye.  He, of course, was incredibly impressed with my Young MC impression and couldn't resist the opportunity to tell me so. (SCORE!  This is going to be my new go-to pick up line!)  We talked, we laughed, we flirted, and then I asked what brought him to Charlotte from Milwaukee only 3 weeks ago.  The answer???  Just graduated from college.  I immediately saved his phone number in my phone as "Patrick Hot 22"- but I thought I should check on his age, just in case.  Turns out that his is actually 23!  He then asked me how old I am?  Naturally, I looked him dead in the eyes and coolly said, "24!"

His reply? "Really??  I thought you were 25."  ZING! I mean, I knew that Avon Cream was working...and I really hoped it would make me look more than 3 years younger.   Anyhow, we exchanged numbers in order to meet up at another bar that evening.  I wasn't quite drunk enough for a classic dance floor face rape, but I had a strong feeling that 4 bars later- I would be up for just about anything! Our paths never crossed again that night and I filed him under, "Cute Missed Opportunities" in my memory bank.

UNTIL... this adorable little whipper snapper then chose to annoy the shit out of me the rest of the weekend with an incessant string of texts asking "What are you up to tonight?"  HELLO! I told you that I was in town for my brother's wedding- so that is probably what I will be doing that night...fucking duh!  My responses got more and more curt as the days wore on, and then I just stopped replying when he asked if he could crash my brother's wedding.

Yes, you are cute- but you are no fucking Vince Vaughn. OF COURSE you cannot crash his wedding- I met you at a karaoke bar 2 nights ago and saw you butcher "My Girl."  You are not exactly ready to be introduced to my family- all 40 cousins and 20 aunts and uncles and not to mention being crowned "worst bridesmaid ever" if I were to start inviting randoms off the street.   

He is now filed under, "Reasons Why I didn't Date 23 Year Olds Even When I Was 23."

More examples in that file? The 23 year old bi kid who also texted me all weekend to ask me to hang out.

On my updated Birthday Wish List (still 4 more shopping days until I turn 28!) I am now adding a man who is old enough to have least been in in middle school when Boyz II Men "I'll Make Love to You" was popular.

I have 2 more weddings this season, and I will be damned if I receive another text from a 23 year old during them!

I shall add more updates about my magical wedding weekend as my health improves and my voice comes back and I stop eating carbs again.  Hope you are looking forward to it as much as I am!

12 comments:

  1. sounds like an incredible weekend!! I love drunken wedding debauchery!!!

    also, dont feel too bad about the 23yr old...I am currently toying with the idea of hanging out again with a boy who is potentially around that age...I haven't had the guts to just ask him yet...all I know is he graduated college in 08 or 09...damn kids This could end up being a really good or really bad idea...haven't decided yet.

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  2. This is exactly why I LOVE weddings. I don't want to have one anytime soon but I will go to someone else's any day! Weddings are just so much damn fun, especially when there is lots of debauchery involved.

    P.S. That 23 year old guy reminds me of a 23 year old I went on one date with and knew I would never talk to again (I'm 25, he still lived in the dorms). He kept texting me and I just never wrote back. In one text he said, "let me know what your plans are for this weekend." Of course I never wrote back, and neither did he. The next weekend he wrote me, "hey, sorry I never got back to you about last weekend, I went out of town. What are you doing this weekend?" Like it was HIM who left me hanging. Ugh. TAKE A HINT!

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  3. It doesn't matter if they are 23 or 32...they will still bombard you with texts asking stupid questions at all hours of the night and day...I think they have the need to look like they are wanted....???

    I mean really, why ask me at 2:00 in the morning if I'm sleeping. I'm an old ass woman of 33...of course I'm sleeping if I'm not sleeping..well, then texting is the last thing on my mind.

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  4. Love my HauteMess...signed, Senorita MarriedMess ;)

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  5. Brat's right. If anything the older ones can be worse sometimes. It's almost like they're trying to prove that they can go all night.

    Hint: Texting me at inappropriate times while you watch TV in your boxers doesn't make me want you more!

    God, help us...

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  6. Sounds like y'all need someone with experience who knows what to do and when.....call me

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  7. What?? You were in Charlotte this past weekend? How did I miss you? Tell me you didn't do the bar crawl at the epicentre; though it would explain the terrible younguns you met.

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  8. Ah the inappropriately timed text messages.

    I find that responding with a photo of you engaged in "innappropriate time" activities with someone else generally solves that one.

    Then again, I am a horrible b*tch, so...

    - B x

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  9. Yep- I wasn in Charlotte but avoided the Epicenter. (I figured that since I am no longer in college, it wouldn't appeal to me) I found my Klingon at Jackelope Jack's and hoped he would follow along to The Penguin and Thirsty Beaver...but instead he just text bombed me all weekend. :)

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  10. Good call on the bars - Jackelope Jack's is one of my favorites because of all the bar games. Be sure to go Montford the next time you are in CLT, that makes bar crawling a lot easier.

    Oh and also give a shout out in your blog the next time you party in the QC. We need all the love we can get.

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  11. Good call on the bars - Jackelope Jack's is one of my favorites because of all the bar games. Be sure to go Montford the next time you are in CLT, that makes bar crawling a lot easier.

    Oh and also give a shout out in your blog the next time you party in the QC. We need all the love we can get.

    ReplyDelete
  12. What?? You were in Charlotte this past weekend? How did I miss you? Tell me you didn't do the bar crawl at the epicentre; though it would explain the terrible younguns you met.

    ReplyDelete

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