Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What Happened In Vegas...Part 1

I am happy to report that I made it home safely from the Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada in one piece.  Although I return with a heart full of love and a mind full of great memories, I can safely report that   both my wallet and womb are empty...the way it should be when you return from Vegas.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again- I have the fucking best friends in the entire world!  12 of us ventured to the original Sin City (so I sometimes like to call Cincinnati "Cin City" - sue me) and the usual AND unusual hijinx ensued.  I hate 2 part posts as much as the next blog reader- but trust me when I tell you that "Sunday Funday: Vegas Edition" deserves its own novel with a movie deal...so it must also have its own blog post later this week.

WHAT HAPPENED IN VEGAS PART 1: The Day the Willpower Died or Things I Learned at Jersey Shore West

A Hillbilly Mimosa:
I made it in the Cincinnati airport about 20min before ordering my first drink.  (it's a disease, I know)  I discovered that when the Delta Sky Club doesn't have champagne, a FAUXMosa is almost as delicious.
Fauxmosa Recipe
  2 Parts Chardonnay
+1 Part OJ
+1 Part Club Soda                 
=4 parts KLASSY with a K!
Dukan Diet...What Dukan Diet??
Then, I made it about 3 hours before I broke my diet and purchased some snacks on the plane.  Oops!  When we finally landed and checked into the hotel- it took about 20minutes for everyone to have a deliciously strong vodka drink in hand and another 30 for us to strip down to our bikinis and traipse down to the pool with mischief on our minds.  3 drinks and a plate of fries later- my diet didn't even exist...

Guidos, Guidos Everywhere, and Not a Douche I'd Kiss
It has been officially determined, Las Vegas is the Jersey Shore of the West.  We were surrounded by GTL Gorillas and silicon filled cream puffs while at the pools.  It was amazing people watching but NOT so amazing when it came to hooking up.  I did, however, consider becoming a prostitute of sorts and sold myself to Madame MarriedMess for some vodka.  The payment plan? I had to make out with any guido of her choosing.  My thought process went something like this: "Hmm...make out with a juicehead or buy my own drinks? Jersey Shore boys are disease filled.  BUT drinks are $12.  No contest."  "I'LL DO IT!" I exclaimed (ed. note: I didn't do it) as she handed me my new favorite meal...

Slim Fast and Vodka- It's What's For Dinner (my new favorite meal)
I fell in love with Madame MarriedMess all over again when she opened her suitcase and it contained  Slim Fast, Red Bull, Grey Goose and Hydroxy Cut...the ultimate Vegas combination.   If you are going to drink a meal replacement shake, it might as well taste like a White Russian- right? This became our pre-game drink of choice in the hotel room and shall ever remain my Friday/Saturday meal replacement of choice.

I Met My SoulMate
And her name is Chelsea Handler!  While dining at Tao on Saturday night, we met Chelsea Handler AND Chewy.  The only problem is that immediately following this encounter, I started pounding vodka like I thought I AM Chelsea Handler.  I made it out in the club until about 1am that night before falling asleep on a couch in VIP.  I realized that I was in bad shape, performed the "M.H. Sneak" (a.k.a. leaving without saying goodbye) and tried to make my way home.  I am so disappointed in myself. Not only did I not meet any nice gentlemen to face rape...I don't even think I did anything remotely appalling that night to make my mother cry.  Both of those things are Vegas staples...so in lieu of appearing on Girls Gone Wild or waking up with a roofies hangover- I just stumbled down the strip, ate a boatload of tex mex egg rolls by myself, and climbed into bed alone- checking into Facebook Places when I arrive at the hotel in case anyone was worried about me.  And for this, I apologize...to my readers, my friends, and the mother who was certain that she would have to disown me after this trip.  I made what some may call "responsible-ish" decisions.

BUT that is when Sunday Funday swooped in to save my rep.....


  1. Can't wait to hear about your Sunday fun! I miss Vegas so...

  2. There are Guidos in Vegas?! I thought their kind only stuck to the Jersey Shore. Does that mean juiceheads are on their way of slowly conquering the world??? I cannot wait to see how you've "redeemed" yourself!

  3. Literally cannot wait for part two AND super jealous you met Chelsea Handler.

  4. OMG YOU MET CHELSEA HANDLER!?! Extremely jealous right now!

    When you think about it, Slimfast and vodka actually seem like they would taste good together. I might have to try that out one day.

    I cannot wait for part 2!

  5. OMG YOU MET CHELSEA HANDLER!?! Extremely jealous right now!

    When you think about it, Slimfast and vodka actually seem like they would taste good together. I might have to try that out one day.

    I cannot wait for part 2!

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