Thursday, September 9, 2010

What Happened In Vegas...Part Deux Starring HauteMess and MarriedMess

P.S. I full recognize that this is bordering on one of those "you had to be there" kind of stories...and for this, my liver and dead brain cells apologize...the booze made us do it.

Once upon at time in a land far, far away in the desert of Nevada, a town was born.  This town was a very, very naughty town.  It was sooo naughty that it attracted all the troublemakers in the whole world...even good girls go bad in this town.  The following story will chroncle the 10 hour day that two "good" girls went off the grid, terrorizing tourists, haggling vendors, and publicly intoxicating everyone!

The Scene: Las Vegas Strip - the entire thing.

The Characters:
- Mademoiselle HauteMess: a 20-something party girl with a penchant for the outrageous.
- Madame MarriedMess: a happily married reformed party girl who isn't afraid to hustle strangers.
- Marty: A 100oz Frozen Alcoholic Hurricane containing approximately 25 shots of Bacardi 151
- Greg: A can of whipped cream
- Creepy Head: A styrofoam mannequin head with "crazy eyes" (you can see the whites all around them)

Act 1: An Innocent Morning...Gone Awry. (NOON)
Everyone Else: "Hey, want to grab brunch?"
Madame MarriedMess:  "Nah...I ate at 5am when I got in.  Wanna take a walk?"
Mademoiselle HauteMess: *innocently* "Sure, I'll walk with you.  But first, I am going to go over there!! (*pointing at the Fat Tuesday's Frozen Cocktail Bar*) and sample some smoothies."
MarriedMess: "Ooh...I'm in."
HauteMess: *to the woman behind the counter* "I'd like to sample your strongest drink- The High Octane Hurricane, please." *while sipping on the sample served in a ketchup cup, she noticed the giant 100oz mug for sale for $35 above the frozen drink machines* "OOh- can you imagine buying one of those and walking around with it?  I mean, who does that?!?!"
MarriedMess: *to the "bartender"* "We'll take that 100oz mug filled with Hurricane, 5 extra shots of 151 please.  Also, 3 jello shots and a can of whipped cream."
HauteMess: *Starstruck* "Say WHAAAAA?????"
MarriedMess: "You're doing it...and it will be awesome."
Bartender: "Ok cool.  Except I can't sell the whipped cream."
MarriedMess: "Are you kidding me?  This is Vegas! EVERYthing is for sale!"

(3 minutes and 3 shots later)

Bartender: "OK, I called my boss and he said that I can sell the whipped cream for $5."
MarriedMess:"Weeeee'll TAKE-it!"

Act 2: Eff That Travelocity Gnome
HauteMess: "Let's get out on the strip and enjoy Vegas! Taking pictures of the insanity that follows."
MarriedMess: "Hey you know that Travelocity gnome that gets his picture taken everywhere?  Our mug is way cooler- let's make her the new gnome!"
HauteMess: "She needs a about 'Marty,' get it? *giggling* As in Mardi Gras, get it? hehe- Since this mug is from Fat Tuesday...get it?"
MarriedMess: "Umm...yeah, got it."
HauteMess: "Now let's take this bitch on a world tour. New York, New York. Excalibur. Luxor. Paris. and Venice."
MarriedMess:"And let's shoot everyone we can with whipped cream."
HauteMess: "Fucking duh!"

ACT 3: If You Give Us Creepy Head, We'll Leave You Alone
The girls make their way through New York, New York- disappointed that the Roller Coaster broke down all 3 times that they tried to ride it, befriending showgirls, and then encountering THIS GUY...

DoughBoy: "Hey ladies! You look like you are having fun, can I join you and Marty?"
MarriedMess:"Sure, let's go! Let's link arms."
(all four hook arms: HauteMess, MarriedMess, Doughboy, and Marty)
HauteMess: "I feel like the Wizard of Oz...except we are looking for our dignity."
DoughBoy: "I have to admit something...I have never had a girlfriend."
( are overweight, in Vegas alone, and live at home with your age 35!)
MarriedMess: *ignoring the sad, but not shocking comment* "Yay...let's go through coney island."
Doughboy: "So, which one of you is the better kisser?"
HauteMess: *vomits in her mouth* "You just crossed a line, fucker.*
MarriedMess: "RUN!!!!!"
(MarriedMess: disappears behind a Whack-A-Mole game)
HauteMess: *trying to act nonchalant* "I, uh, think she, uh, went to the bathroom."
MarriedMess: *whisper shouting* "I'm right here, let's get the fuck out of here..."
HauteMess: *walking around awkwardly trying to ignore the fatman chasing her* "Ummm....Ummmm....Ummmm..."
MarriedMess: "When I say 'Run!' I mean run, don't speedwalk, bitch!"

(the girls begin sprinting through Coney Island, dodging children as they are chased by DoughBoy.  They don't stop until they are safely hidden inside a magic shop on the other side of the casino.)

HauteMess: "Ummm...please look at that mannequin head?  Isn't that the creepiest thing you have ever seen??"
MarriedMess: *purchasing a magic trick...because, why not??* "And we will also take that." *pointing at the mannequin*
Magician: "The wig will be $40."
HauteMess: "NO! Not the wig...the head under the wig."
Magician: "That's not for sale."
MarriedMess:"Are you kidding me, fucker? This is VEGAS!  EVERYthing's for sale in Vegas.  Call your manager."
Magician: "Are you serious?"
HauteMess: "As a heart attack."
MarriedMess: "If you give us creepy head, we'll leave you alone!  Just call your manager!"
Magician: *hanging up the phone with his manager* "He said $10."
MarriedMess: "We'll take it!  Ooops, I forgot to bargain. I'll give you $5!"
Magician: " $10. Final answer."

And THAT is how we acquired the greatest prop of all time....CREEPY HEAD!

For the rest of the day, the crew ventured through the Casinos on the strip, covering more than a mile and touching the lives of THOUSANDS of tourists.  They hopped in tourists' pictures, creepy head motorboated strangers & she stared over gambler's shoulders as they played slots, all of them sat at the bar together in Paris (the bartender insisted on putting a napkin over creepy head's face as to not scare other customers), the girls also took Professional photographs with S&M male models at Excalibur AND as Showgirls in Paris.  The team finally disbanded at The Venetian.  Marty decided to live in the wax museum forever (to be near Elvis), and Creepy Head decided that she wanted to join the band at Venetian and we left her on stage with the dolla bills.

10PM Text Message from Senorita CalienteMess- "Are you guys playing with Mike Tyson's tiger?" (Why yes...yes they were!  The girls all lived happily, drunkenly, hunoverly ever after!)



  1. Fuck you guys would be fun to hang out with.

  2. Holy shit can I come party with you?!

    "I feel like the Wizard of Oz...except we are looking for our dignity." Bwahahahahaha!

  3. I have this nostalgic feeling like I can't believe it's over, we were so hilarious! That was so much fun and I can't wait to go back only...
    I wasn't there.

  4. I have this nostalgic feeling like I can't believe it's over, we were so hilarious! That was so much fun and I can't wait to go back only...
    I wasn't there.

  5. Fuck you guys would be fun to hang out with.



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