Stockholm Syndrome, yo!) However, after Kalle Fucking Blomkvist captured my attention and forced me to read more than 1700 pages of suspense, murder mysteries, twisted sexual preferences, and sandwiches, I now see that I had a very narrow views of the Swedes. (and now I love him in spite of being held hostage by page after page...see? Stockholm Syndrome)
I now feel so much more enlightened that I have come up with "A Tourist's Guide to Sweden."
When going to Sweden, here are some things that you should do to fit in with the locals, as I have interpretted from Stieg Larsson's 3 Book Masterpiece.
- Go to the nearest Seven Eleven (preferred grocer of Lisbeth Salander) and stock up on Billy's Pan Pizza, bread, cheese, thermoses of coffee, and aquavit. (a.k.a. Scandinavian Vodka) - these are the staple foods every young person should have.
- Eat SANDWICHES! - Apparently they don't just eat lingonberries and meatballs; they also eat sandwiches like its their job. Morning, noon, and night- SANDWICHES! Sandwiches and coffee. I haven't seen anyone this excited about a sandwich since Joey Tribbiani on Friends!
- Call every woman you see a "Whore" OR expect that every man who looks at you is secretly calling you a "whore" in his mind. - This is evidently the pet name of choice among Swedish men. I have never read books with such hostility towards the fairer (superior) sex before. However, do not be turned off by this- for every "WHORE" comment, there is an equal and opposite ass kicking from a female warrior.
- If you want to have promiscuous sex, call Mikael Blomkvist. - He'll fuck anything that moves. Including, but not limited to: diminutive women who look like underage boys, old women who were presumed dead, body builder women, and married women.
- Places to avoid: abandoned warehouses, S&M dungeons, open graves, and the homes of rogue Sapo agents. - If you plan to travel to any of these places, it is highly recommended that you take a golf club, mace, or a taser gun. Swedish men are powerless to this trifecta of almost weaponry.