Thursday, October 21, 2010

Book Report: The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo Trilogy

What I learned about Swedish Culture from reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo," "The Girl Who Played with Fire," and "The Girl Who Kicked a Hornet's Nest" : A Book Report by Mademoiselle HauteMess
I recently finished reading the exciting, gripping, suspenseful, and sometimes terrifying trilogy by some Swedish dude...and it was fantastic!  I feel like I learned so much about about Sweden.  Prior to reading these books, all I really knew about the Swedish is that they love ABBA, Meatballs, massages, cheap furniture that you assemble yourself, and sympathizing with their captors. (Stockholm Syndrome, yo!)  However, after Kalle Fucking Blomkvist captured my attention and forced me to read more than 1700 pages of suspense, murder mysteries, twisted sexual preferences, and sandwiches, I now see that I had a very narrow views of the Swedes.  (and now I love him in spite of being held hostage by page after page...see? Stockholm Syndrome)

I now feel so much more enlightened that I have come up with "A Tourist's Guide to Sweden."
When going to Sweden, here are some things that you should do to fit in with the locals, as I have interpretted from Stieg Larsson's 3 Book Masterpiece.

  1. Go to the nearest Seven Eleven (preferred grocer of Lisbeth Salander) and stock up on Billy's Pan Pizza, bread, cheese, thermoses of coffee, and aquavit. (a.k.a. Scandinavian Vodka) - these are the staple foods every young person should have.
  2. Eat SANDWICHES! - Apparently they don't just eat lingonberries and meatballs; they also eat sandwiches like its their job. Morning, noon, and night- SANDWICHES!  Sandwiches and coffee.  I haven't seen anyone this excited about a sandwich since Joey Tribbiani on Friends!
  3. Call every woman you see a "Whore"  OR expect that every man who looks at you is secretly calling you a "whore" in his mind. - This is evidently the pet name of choice among Swedish men.  I have never read books with such hostility towards the fairer (superior) sex before.  However, do not be turned off by this- for every "WHORE" comment, there is an equal and opposite ass kicking from a female warrior.
  4. If you want to have promiscuous sex, call Mikael Blomkvist. -  He'll fuck anything that moves.  Including, but not limited to: diminutive women who look like underage boys, old women who were presumed dead, body builder women, and married women.
  5. Places to avoid: abandoned warehouses, S&M dungeons, open graves, and the homes of rogue Sapo agents. - If you plan to travel to any of these places, it is highly recommended that you take a golf club, mace, or a taser gun.  Swedish men are powerless to this trifecta of almost weaponry.
So if you will all excuse me, as soon as I get home from Ikea with my swedish meatballs and lingonberry jam, I am going to add "The Girl With a Dragon Tattoo" to my Netflix queue.  I will watch on my couch with a nice sandwich, thermos of coffee, Swedish Fish, and my taser gun.

8 comments:

  1. The movie follows the book like no other. I'm finishing up on the last book and have to say you nailed it. I'm totally using this guide when I head out there. How can I avoid an S&M dungeon?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't wait to read this book series! Mmmm Swedish Fish

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Places to avoid: abandoned warehouses, S&M dungeons, open graves."

    Damn, too late, and no problem.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm embarrassed to say that while I'm an avid reader, I just bought The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo 2 days ago. I'm only half way through it, and am loving it so far. Now I have to finish the book so I can watch the movie!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay, so.. no one really drinks aquavit except for when some middle aged uncle brings a bottle over for christmas. Instead, swedes thrive on Jaegermeister and wine, and if we're feeling frisky - Absolute Vodka.

    Oh, and if you're a foreigner that wants to have sex, just open your mouth. Foreigners are ALWAYS hotter than locals. Especially if you're american. There's not a whole lot of them around here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hmmm. I just realised that the "open your mouth" thing came out kind of wrong. Of course I meant talking. But sure, what dude doesn't like a good oral convincing..?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Okay, so.. no one really drinks aquavit except for when some middle aged uncle brings a bottle over for christmas. Instead, swedes thrive on Jaegermeister and wine, and if we're feeling frisky - Absolute Vodka.

    Oh, and if you're a foreigner that wants to have sex, just open your mouth. Foreigners are ALWAYS hotter than locals. Especially if you're american. There's not a whole lot of them around here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The movie follows the book like no other. I'm finishing up on the last book and have to say you nailed it. I'm totally using this guide when I head out there. How can I avoid an S&M dungeon?

    ReplyDelete

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