I have never been more proud and simultaneously disgusted with any of my culinary creations before...
In case you are asking yourself, "How can I make one of these magical creations? And what happens AFTER you eat this magical cake?" I have crafted a simple "How To" guide for you to recreate the C@ck & Cava Friday Extravaganza!
What You Need To Begin:
- 4 Master Chefs
- 7 Bottles of Cava
- 50 piece Chicken McNuggets
- 1 Package of Fondant
- 1 Package of Cake Mix
- 1 Container of Buttercream Icing
- 1 Packet of Chocolate Sprinkles
- 1 Can of black spray icing
- Food Coloring
- Twizzlers Pull & Peel
Step 0: Drink LOTS AND LOTS of alcohol during this entire process. One glass for every step...and maybe 2 while cake bakes.
Step 1: Mix red, blue, and yellow food coloring in the white fondant and get your arm workout on to knead that white fondant into a fleshy colored mountain of sugary sweet skin. Roll thin like a condom.
Step 2: Mix cake batter and use red food coloring to make it blood red...pour into a tin shaped like a penis (that is a VERY important step) and bake as directed.
Step 3: Coat cake in buttercream frosting as an adhesive.
Step 5: Layer fondant condom on top of cake shaft. Cut along edges and fold under.
Step 6: Get jiggy with some icing and sprinkles...Manscape your cake. (that is an awesome statement that should be uttered more frequently)
BUT THEN WHAT??
After effects of baking & eating a c@ck cake while consuming 7 bottles of cava among 4 Chefs can include, but are not limited to:
- Sucking at Apples to Apples
- Shouting obscenities at those who are better than you
- Shoving the balls of the cake in the birthday boy's face
- Consuming disgusting shots and rolling around on the dance floor of a filthy man bar
- Drunk Dialing vile ex boyfriends
- Spending approximately $74, but only remembering spending $20
- Bullying a taxi driver into parking illegally while you purchase a large pizza
- Consuming that entire large pizza
- Losing your entire wallet
- Waking up 5 hours later fully clothes, and one of us was still in her boots
- The next morning, immediate purchasing Parental Control features for your own cell phone to prevent any future drunk dials