Monday, October 25, 2010

C@ck & Cava Friday

Last Friday, we celebrated Mr. GayMess's Millionth Birthday.  To honor his fabulosity, we decided to make Penis shaped Birthday Cake while getting giggly drunk on Cava. (spanish champagne to all those who aren't obsessed with bubbles)

I have never been more proud and simultaneously disgusted with any of my culinary creations before...
Ethnically ambiguous fondant skin? CHECK! Twizzler Pull & Peel veins? CHECK! Black icing & chocolate sprinkle pubes? CHECK! Butter cream ejaculate? DEE-LISH!  However, I couldn't even post these on facebook for fear of being reported for porn!
In case you are asking yourself, "How can I make one of these magical creations? And what happens AFTER you eat this magical cake?"  I have crafted a simple "How To" guide for you to recreate the C@ck & Cava Friday Extravaganza!

What You Need To Begin:
  • 4 Master Chefs
  • 7 Bottles of Cava
  • 50 piece Chicken McNuggets
  • 1 Package of Fondant
  • 1 Package of Cake Mix
  • 1 Container of Buttercream Icing
  • 1 Packet of Chocolate Sprinkles
  • 1 Can of black spray icing
  • Food Coloring
  • Twizzlers Pull & Peel

Step 0: Drink LOTS AND LOTS of alcohol during this entire process.  One glass for every step...and maybe 2 while cake bakes. 

Step 1: Mix red, blue, and yellow food coloring in the white fondant and get your arm workout on to knead that white fondant into a fleshy colored mountain of sugary sweet skin.  Roll thin like a condom.

Step 2: Mix cake batter and use red food coloring to make it blood red...pour into a tin shaped like a penis (that is a VERY important step) and bake as directed.

Step 3: Coat cake in buttercream frosting as an adhesive.

Step 4: Strategically place Twizzler Pull & Peel "veins" along shaft.

Step 5: Layer fondant condom on top of cake shaft. Cut along edges and fold under.

Step 6: Get jiggy with some icing and sprinkles...Manscape your cake. (that is an awesome statement that should be uttered more frequently)

Step 7: Cut & Serve. (be warned, it WILL look like a big slice of raw meat...but it won't taste like meat...or penis....just cake...c@ck cake...)

BUT THEN WHAT??
After effects of baking & eating a c@ck cake while consuming 7 bottles of cava among 4 Chefs can include, but are not limited to:
  • Sucking at Apples to Apples
  • Shouting obscenities at those who are better than you
  • Shoving the balls of the cake in the birthday boy's face
  • Consuming disgusting shots and rolling around on the dance floor of a filthy man bar
  • Drunk Dialing vile ex boyfriends
  • Spending approximately $74, but only remembering spending $20
  • Bullying a taxi driver into parking illegally while you purchase a large pizza
  • Consuming that entire large pizza
  • Losing your entire wallet
  • Waking up 5 hours later fully clothes, and one of us was still in her boots
  • The next morning, immediate purchasing Parental Control features for your own cell phone to prevent any future drunk dials
 Enjoy the cake responsibly!  But that may be the last responsible thing you do all night...

    6 comments:

    1. I love this post. I down for trying penis cake. I went to a baby shower once and it was porn themed, so the cake was in the form of a head emerging from a rather stretched out vag, and the cake was delicious too.

      ReplyDelete
    2. I love the penis cake! It's awesome in a kind of gross way.

      ReplyDelete
    3. Haha that sounds like an amazing night! I'm going to have to buy some Cava now. Also I think I would have to be semi-drunk to eat this cake. It's wonderful, but a little crazy lol.

      xx,
      Delilah

      ReplyDelete
    4. This is singularly the most brilliant cake I have ever seen. I must direct my friends here so they know what to bake me for my birthday!!

      ReplyDelete

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