So I met a guy last weekend- tall, dark, athletic. He was cute and interesting. And more importantly- he seemed interested in me!
We met Friday night at a bar I usually wouldn't be caught dead near, but he was cute and I liked him enough to invite him to my birthday party the next night. And since I was hosting my own birthday party- it was mandatory to look amazing. So I wore a super fab birthday dress that required my Victoria's Secret sticky backless strapless bra (a.k.a. 1 unattractive step away from pasties) and spanx under my opaque black tights.
He showed up at my party and was chivalrous enough to walk me home from the bar. I was so grateful for his kindness that I allowed him to come inside "for a drink." We started making out and I quickly remembered that I was still wearing spanx under my tights...which has to be the MOST embarrassing thing for a guy to discover during a steamy makeout session. So, I politely excused myself to the ladies room and removed my tights and spanx.
We continued to make out and he made a move to remove my dress, and I quickly realized that I had nothing on below the dress besides an adhesive bra. I then loudly exclaimed, "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!" To which he replied, "Um, its ok. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Um...we cool?" I am fairly sure that I made this beautiful, athletic specimen feel like a rapist.
The next morning while recounting this story to Mr. GayMess, we nicknamed him "The Rapiste."
The Rapiste got my number and waited the obligatory four days to text me- which was kind of cute because he knew I was on a 4 day business trip and his first text was asking about my trip. BUT- he sent two non-excited texts and left me hanging, not replying again. STRIKE ONE!
Then the next night, I sent him a message asking what he was getting into for the weekend. It took him more than an hour to reply. In the mean time, since I wasn't 100% sure that the person I was texting was HIM. (To be clear, I didn't get his number. I just assumed that the person texting me must be him...but I never clarified.) So I had Madame MarriedMess call him to hear his voicemail. Fucking generic voice message with no name. However, he texted her back immediately asking, "Who is this?" BEFORE TEXTING ME BACK!! STRIKE TWO!!
Then the next day we texted back and forth and as the alcohol slowly seeped INTO my brain, I got ballsy. So I sent the following text:
"I have two important questions. 1) Is this J? 2) Don't you think we should hang out this week? :)"
He never responded...3 hours later I just sent this text:
STRIKE FUCKING THREE!!!
As Mr. GayMess so eloquently put it, "Rapiste=Ritarr."
I am fucking done. Homey don't play that. My number one criteria to actually date someone is that they have to WANT to be with me. So, this dude is outty 5000. Moving on...