Friday, October 22, 2010

Happy HauteMess Friday!

I'm bringing sexy back with da return of "HauteMess Fridays!!"  (the other name I was considering for today is 'C*ck and Cava Friday' but I thought that may raise some corporate security red flags for my loyal followers who like to read at work...you're welcome!)

It has been a while since I have posted the Friday Tradition of "You Might Be A HauteMess If..." jokes.  The only one to blame is myself...and my mother. (always blame the mother)  I feel like I have been tamer than usual lately- or perhaps I am so desensitized to my own ridiculousness that I am no longer shocked by my own socially unacceptable behavior.  Like drinking a bottle of champagne alone on a Sunday morning...that flew totally under my radar as "concerning behavior" until a friend gently reminded me that there are 12 step programs available in every major city. 

PLUS, you bastards haven't been submitting any of YOUR awesome HauteMess-like stories to me.  I need your embarrassing/awesome stories for HauteMess Fridays to survive- so please submit them to misshautemess@gmail.com.  I will reward you handsomely with kudos and honor you by pouring out sips of my champagne on the ground for my "homies who couldn't be here."

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
Your Amazon.com charges for the week include a drain snake, a Git-R-Done Road Sign, a penis mold cake pan, and a Got-R-Did bumper sticker.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
Your client looks at you (after you declare that Notorious B.I.G. "Ready To Die" is one of you Top 5 Albums of all time) and jokingly says, "You are sooo cliche that its exhausting!"  And you laugh in total agreement.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You drink an entire bottle of champagne out of a plastic cup with a straw and a paper umbrella...by yourself...before noon...on a Sunday.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You wake up one day to discover 5 videos of you and Senorita CalienteMess doing impressions of Bitch Little Rat Dog.

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You accidentally end up naked while making out with a boy and suddenly scream "I don't want to do this anymore."

You Might Be A HauteMess If...
You  board a plane while drunk and loudly announce to the person sitting next to you, "I have been trained to hurt people, but don't worry- I won't hurt YOU."

HAPPY HAUTEMESS FRIDAY!  Don't do anything I wouldn't do this weekend! (that doesn't really narrow it down, I am sure...but it does rule out short dudes and Brits with bad teeth!)

8 comments:

  1. Do I qualify as a HauteMess if Jessica Simpson tried to kill me with a pair of her spiky, slutty shoes? I'm new here so be gentle...

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  2. Great post- i love this!!! i will def be submitting some hautemess stories as they occur! :)

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  3. I'm sorry . . . there are penis cake molds that I can buy?

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  4. dear god i fucking love you! i dont think i can say that enough

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  5. Okay, I'll have a go.

    You might be a HauteMess if your gynecologist asks you how many sexual partners you've had in the last year and it takes you THREE DAYS to remember them all.

    And three weeks later you're still working onthe names, because somehow, "Hottie I met in the queue for the London Aquarium" doesn't cut it.

    Or maybe that makes you a hooker?

    I'm not really au fait with all of society's labels and stereotypes...

    Ahem.

    - B x

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  6. @ Elly Lou- I don't think it makes you a HauteMess unless you tried to retaliate WITH the shoe in question! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    @Guilty of Gossip - I can't wait! :)

    @Barreness - HAHA! I had to read that one out load to the other "Messes" while baking penis on Friday! Love you!

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  7. @ Elly Lou- I don't think it makes you a HauteMess unless you tried to retaliate WITH the shoe in question! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

    @Guilty of Gossip - I can't wait! :)

    @Barreness - HAHA! I had to read that one out load to the other "Messes" while baking penis on Friday! Love you!

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  8. Great post- i love this!!! i will def be submitting some hautemess stories as they occur! :)

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