Friday, October 29, 2010

HauteMess Friday: The Ex Boyfriend Edition

THANK GOAD ITS HAUTEMESS FRIDAY!

Yes, yes...I am a HauteMess.  I am perpetually inappropriate.  I apparently have wild and crazy impulses that are frequently unleashed at the first few drops of alcohol.  BUT, you may be surprised to know that when it comes to relationships, I am not the only trainwreck.  In fact, I actually believe that I was a mild mannered innocent until several wildchild frat guys corrupted me. (ha! when you can't blame the mom, blame the frat-tastic ex!)

So I thought it would be funny to share the best of the best (or worst of the worst, really) of my HauteMess Ex Boy Toys.  Most of these are courtesy of my trampy dickhead 3.5 year college mistake, with average to below average EVERYTHING...except partying skills- at that he excelled.  These are all true, and they have all happened to those I have loved and lost/cut loose/ran away from screaming.

You Might Be A HauteMess Man If...
You me my parents for the first time ever wearing nothing but a diaper, flipflips, and a cousin Eddie hat.

You Might Be A HauteMess Man If...
You alcohol poisoned yourself while dressed as Lieutenant Dangle, and since your balls were hanging out of your shorts you had to wear MY pajama pants and shirt to the ermegency room.

You Might Be A HauteMess Man If...
You were caught cheating on me by making out with a girl while wearing BILLY BOB teeth.

You Might Be A HauteMess Man If...
After our breakup, you stayed so drunk throughout one weekend that you passed out standing up in a bar on a Sunday afternoon and shit yourself.

You Might Be A HauteMess Man If...
You propositioned me for sex in a public bathroom nearly 2 years after I dumped your borderline psychopathic ass...and deluded yourself into thinking that I may say yes.

Real gems, eh?  No wonder I am single...I have the worst taste in the world!

5 comments:

  1. LOL great post!! Have a stelar weekend. btw I'm an Assholic too.

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  2. not gonna lie, a little speechless. and hello. this is me.

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  3. Wow, that's a list right there, but wait... Some girl actually made out with a guy wearing Billy-Bob teeth?!

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  4. Oh don't blame yourself for this shit. These men are ridiculous and belong in cages.

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  5. Oh, my dear, this made me laugh and brought back so many memories! I'm off to drink them back down into the back of my mind!

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