Dear Narcissist, (an open posted letter)
Thank you so much for making this easy, you dirty fucking scum bucket.
Thank you, original douche canoe, for always demonstrating an irrational hubris. You truly believe that you ARE God's Gift to Women in spite of your homosexual tendencies, bad teeth, selfish habits, smoke breath, sandpaper skin, poor manscaping, and uncircumcised penis.
But mostly, Thank you for this past Friday night! Thank you for persistently inviting me to have sex with you in a public bathroom at Bar Landmine...and continuing to whisper in my ear (the creepiest way possible) that you miss "fucking" me. I appreciate your persistence in spite of me saying things like, "I would never touch you again if you paid me" and "Why don't you fuck your girlfriend?"
I thank you for all of this because you just helped me rationalize paying $4.99 a month to AT&T for Parental Control features that allow me to block numbers. This feature goes both ways- it doesn't just keep me from dialing your number, it also means that you can never text or call me. Now, you will NEVER get in touch with me again. You will never violate my ears again with your vile words masked with a British accent, you bloody wanker.
$4.99 seemed like too much to pay for the ability to not drunk dial people anymore...until you came along. The exciting perk to this is that with a little advance planning each weekend, I can block any number that I don't want to accidentally drunk dial. No more hate mail to Mr. Biz. No more breaking my own heart hearing the indifference in Mr. Ballsy's voice. It's like you set me free from this bad habit by being so fiercely scummy that I would pay 5 bucks a month to Parental Control myself...just so I never hear your voice again.
So thank you, Mr. Narcissistic-Asshole! I doubt your mother would be very proud, but I bet mine would.
Fuck Off Most Sincerely,