The day of my brother’s wedding. I wasn’t feeling well- stuffy nose, swollen glands, general malaise. This was all a result of 3 consecutive nights of partying late into the night and waking up early in the morning for activities or wedding prep.
Peruse my brother’s medicine cabinet for one of those multi-symptom over the counter drugs that as sent directly from God in Heaven down to my mouth! I found Aleve-D! The package described it as such:
Aleve-D combines the most powerful all day decongestion with the powerful all day pain relief of Aleve.
Stomach Bleeding Warning:
This product contains a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID), which may cause stomach bleeding. The chance is higher if you:
• are age 60 or olderWell, since the 3 days before I took this medicine were filled with pub crawls, family parties, and rehearsal dinners (a.k.a. booze filled adventures where I consumed upwards of 8 drinks), AND because I refused to NOT drink for my ONLY brother’s wedding … this medicine was most likely going to cause stomach bleeding.
• have had stomach ulcers or bleeding problems
• take a blood thinning (anticoagulant) or steroid drug
• take other drugs containing an NSAID (aspirin, ibuprofen, naproxen, or others)
• have 3 or more alcoholic drinks every day while using this product
• take more or for a longer time than directed
I didn’t even flinch before pulling out my Hydroxycut Instant drink to wash down the Aleve-D.
Upon witnessing this, my sister-in-law asked me, “Why are you taking Hydroxycut?”
I calmly replied, “Because I refuse to be fat when I turn 28.”
“But isn’t that stuff really bad for you?” she asked.
I flippantly remarked, “Pssht! Not anymore, the FDA won’t let them put the really effective stuff in there- no more ephedra…pansies!”
Concerned, she pressed on, “No, but I think anything that raises your metabolism is bad for you.”
To which I replied, “You DO realize that I just took pills that told me my stomach will 100% be bleeding tonight, right? So I think its pretty clear that I am not concerned about things being ‘bad for me.’ Do I look like fucking Sanjay Gupta or something?”