I had a five year reunion at my old alma mater this past weekend- it went from throwing down to throwing up. Things started off well enough- I got out of work a bit late on Friday night so I had a couple glasses of wine with my dinner, packed a random bag of costumes, some Purdue gear, and hit the road.
First thing Saturday morning, I woke up at 7am to the smells of fresh biscuits and gravy, donuts, and coffee. God, I miss Indiana! Anyhow, after filling up with a good ol’ country breakfast, we hit the road to go set up our tailgate. 1 screwmosa and 1 spiked apple cider later- I found myself inexplicably dropping $150 at the Purdue Bookstore to purchase the equivalent of an “Intro to Spinsterhood Kit.” This paraphernalia includes a sweat SUIT, basketball shorts & muscle shirt, and a mother fucking SNUGGIE!
Sidenote: To be very clear, I already own a zebra print snuggie, a Tiger sweatshirt floor length poncho, and a My Little Pony sleeping bag to lounge around the house in. The only thing less sexy than a snuggie is a girl wearing sweatpants with a sweatshirt over her MUSCLE shirt while wearing a logo snuggie.
After bringing my loot back to the tailgate and consuming one more spiked cider, I decided to go visit my favorite old Fraternity. Nothing brings back the Glory Days like traipsing through my old stomping grounds at Sigma Nu. Fortunately for my dignity, there were no familiar faces and I wasn’t dumb/drunk enough to go inside the fraternity.
BUT, my cousins set up their tailgate near Sigma Nu – a white school bus that was gutted and rebuilt as an amazing party bus- sweet sound system and booth seating. On the outside they were making grilled cheese and serving up some sweet ass Flip Cup. After my crew of Alumni Ladies dominated the young boys in flip cup, noshed on some grilled cheese, and caused general mischief. We prepared to set sail, but, of course in classic Haute Mess fashion, I found a 23 year old to charm and make fall in love with me. I am not 100% certain how this mojo works- but before I knew it, we were holding hands, skipping from tailgate to tailgate, and he was telling me how impressive my flip cup skills were. We parted ways shortly after, never to see each other again. The only proof it ever happened was the text message I received Sunday morning from my cousin saying, “I think my buddy is in love. He used your name and the ‘L word’ in the same sentence.” To which I replied, “Yes, that has been known to happen. Too bad it never works on boys my own age.” And then he hit me with such wisdom that even I was shocked, “Eh, half your age plus 7- you are way good!” Ahh…step 1 to becoming a Cougar!
Back to the regularly scheduled debauchery. After the flip cup, falling in love, and general ridiculousness of College Football Tailgating at a Big Ten school, I started to feel sick. (note: officially making me the oldest person in the entire world) So naturally, I took a nap in the back of a pick up truck. (Indiana, yo) I woke up, made an iPod mix to play tunes, and went back to sleep in the back of the truck.
The reunion weekend was cut short for me though because when I woke up, I was feeling “off.” And I am not talking about the kind of “off” that a few more beers can fix. I couldn’t even stomach one more drink. A couple of us walked a half mile to the dirtiest, nastiest pizza place of all time- the drunken deliciousness of Mad Mushroom. I couldn’t even enjoy the greasy, cheese carbiness of it all. An immediate wave of nausea washed over me, necessitating a cab ride home at 6:30PM…
The puking started at 9:30…lasted 6 hours…let’s just say that the plumbing in the attic AND the basement went haywire. I “slept” on the floor outside the bathroom. I woke up with fever, chills, and body aches to accompany me on my 3 hour drive home to Cincinnati.
As you may already know, I am a complete baby when I am sick- so you know I am truly in bad shape, I actually asked for help…from both Madame MarriedMess and Senorita CalienteMess. That’s how bad I felt.
I now come to find out that a nasty stomach flu has been passed around my office, and I was one of many struck down by its reign of terror over the weekend. Good thing I am now the proud owner of new Purdue lounge wear (snuggie included) to wear around the house while watching Twilight AGAIN and subsisting off of oyster crackers and coca-cola. Now if only I could contact my 23 year old love bunny to warn him of the horror that is about to strike his stomach and intestines…poor kid. I am positive that I broke his heart and his bowels!