The award that I won last week has already gone to my head...I have been walking around all weekend thinking "I deserve an award for THAT!" Remember when you were little and you won a Tee Ball trophy every single year just for showing up and wearing the right color tee shirt? Or when they used to hand out "Perfect Attendance" ribbons to the kids whose parents didn't love them enough to take off work to nurse them back to health? They don't just hand out trophies to adults that say, "Great Job on Not Being a Slut/Asshole/Ritard." Well, fuck it- I am now giving award for life's little accomplishments. All of these awards are mine...ALL MINE!
"Most Consecutive Days Taking Birth Control at the Same Time of Day" goes to ME! I made it 13 days in a row last month...and then promptly forgot to take it AT ALL on the 14th and 16th days...good thing it's been a slow summer/fall.
"Award for Endurance and Patience Waiting to Play Christmas Music Until November" - ME AGAIN! I made it until November 15th before breaking out Run DMC "Christmas in Hollis" and "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses.
"Fastest Reader of Age Inappropriate Teen Fiction" - I dominated "The Hunger Games" in less than 24 hours. Sure this required that I skip "East Bound and Down" and not wash my hair this morning before work...but it was worth it to know how those teenagers went fucking crazy in the post-apocalyptic "octagon." I have since returned that book to the library and procured the other two books in the Trilogy...Prediction: done by the weekend.
"Most Disgusting Display of Consecutive Pizza Days" Not me...ah, I'm just fucking with you. I was so excited to get my appetite back after the stomach flu that I consumed pizza 6 of the last 8 meals over the past 4 days...half a pizza Friday at 2am with Madame MarriedMess, 1 slice of Pizza Saturday night at a fundraiser, Half a pizza for lunch Sunday, Half a Pizza for lunch for dinner Sunday, 2 slices of pizza at work for lunch monday, 4 slices of pizza for dinner Monday night...and I still had enough leftover domino's to give Madame MarriedMess 2 halves to take home to her husband....its an illness. Don't judge me.
"Most Inappropriate Public Serenade at a Non Karaoke Bar" - guess who?? I sang "Since You've Been Gone" at a wine bar in Mt. Landmine right in Senorita CalienteMess's ear while she was trying to grade papers...sue me! It was Fun!
In the upcoming weeks, I plan to win awards for "Best First Stab at Making a Thanksgiving Turkey," "Winner of the Slurring Bee" (spelling bee + shots at a local hipster bar....you're welcome), "Most Failed Attempts to Make it to the Gym," "Most Number of Sexually Charged Cheers at an Indoor Soccer Game," and many many more!