My brain is all like, "Bitch, you have been sleeping way too much- I am going to go to that sick place that you try to avoid to get you out of bed and get you moving. You need adult interaction- and your Bitchy Little Rat Dog doesn't count- just because she is approximately 30 in dog years does not make her an adult conversationalist."
To which I reply, "You win this time, Brain...but just remember, I can keep this shit up all damn day if I have to- I can subject you to E! shows you wouldn't even dare dream about...you may have one the night time battle, but I can certainly win this war!"
Anyhow, I now present you with "Fever Dreams: Shit Even I Wish I Didn't Remember:"
In Dream #1:
I went back to college as an adult, went to my ex boyfriend, Mr. Bakers Dozen Wives, (the one that I married during a horrifically real-like game is M.A.S.H.) fraternity and saw him there. Even though I know he is married now (the the girl he fucked during the last 6 months of our relationship), I couldn't resist the urge to start a torrid affair. The dream only featured some kissing and heavy petting- likely because even my brain can't comprehend how I had sex with someone for 3.5 years who was so mediocre. He was my first- so I didn't know any better at the time...but shit, I hated sleeping with him so much in the last few months of our relationship that I used to pretend to pass out from too much wine to avoid it. SO why on earth would I want to start an affair with THAT?!?! My brain was simply punishing me. That's all. Anyhow- we had an affair, he told me he missed me and wished he could take it all back. I said, "Me too!" and ran away.And the award for Most Eloquent Reply to a DoucheBag Ex Plea for Forgiveness goes to...Fever Dream ME!
In Dream #2:
A member of the HauteMess crew begins a serious relationship with The Narcissist. She is in visiting from out of town for Christmas and decides to tell me that she is in love with him and seriously considering moving for him. To which I reply, "Him?! HIM?!?! H.I.M.!?!?!?!?!" I, of course, started furiously yelling at her and ripping her a new one. I was torn between feelings of love for him (gag) and betrayal from her. How could she possibly think this was an OK idea? I decided that my only plan of action to sever this unholy alliance was to buy him a really great Christmas present and kick her out of my house...but suddenly I realized that I was living in my parents house as I peeked through the cut glass window on the front door to see she was still sitting on my childhood front porch in Indiana. (odd detail...) The dream ended abruptly when the Narcissist sped up to my house to pick her up, but when he saw me he ran towards me to yell and the yelling turned into hate-makeout.Then Bitchy Little Rat Dog barked and I woke up- feeling dirty and angry all at the same time. I still felt physical signs of anger towards this girl...this girl who had never even thought of touching The Narcissist. Don't you hate when you have vivid dreams that seem to conjure real emotions that linger even when you are awake?
In Dream #3:
I was on the high school swim team and being stalked by the Narcissist. I was doing laps by myself on the weekend (why? it isn't like swim team had homework...loser) enjoying an open swim at our old high school pool. I looked up and saw him...dangerously angry with me. (likely for breaking up his last relationship with one of my best friends. see dream above) I tried to get away, but then I realized that running through water is much slower than running on the ground...and still I was too stupid to swim to the center of the pool or somewhere away from the edge of the pool where he was standing. I VERY slowly ran right into his clutches. He pulled me out of the pool by my hair, but I was able to kick him and free myself and begin running away. I ran first into the girls locker room and then into the high school maze of my dreams. I literally have this one high school floor plan/layout that happens in EVERY ONE of my random high school dreams. However, I have never actually been to a high school with this layout or seen one on TV...this is literally a maze my brain dreamed up. Anyhow, there was a chase... and then....I jerked myself awake before I was caught...
I woke up sweaty (broke my fever, YAY!), crusty eyed, confused, and a little nauseous from all the disgusting ex boyfriends. My brain is obviously PISSED at me for all this mind numbing activity of watching HBO movies, General Hospital, and talking to a 10lb dog while eating Spaghetti-Os. I can't help but think to myself, "Well played, Brain....well played."