Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Potty Complexes My Mother Gave Me

My mother is a saint...a very Southern, incredibly uncoordinated, bad cook, borderline hoarder SAINT!  However, she gave me some complexes that are just too strong to overcome as an adult.  Now, normally I try to refrain from potty talk- but I must face my demons that were given to me by my proper Southern Belle Mother.  (note: my mother follows neither of these rules anymore...she just farts and poops wherever....claims its the "old age." Traitor!)


POTTY COMPLEX / IRRATIONAL BELIEF: Men like to believe that women only pee when they enter the Ladies room- pee then powder their noses. 
I have been taught to always keep up appearances that this rule is true: girls pee- that's all.  This has led to an extreme phobia of going #2 at a boyfriend's house.  I would LITERALLY rather go in a gas station than at a boyfriend's house.  I have, in fact, run an "errand" to a fast food restaurant before while visiting an ex just to clear my bowels.  I have also been known to drive home unexpectedly from a sleep over when something didn't sit right in my tummy...only to return approximately 20-30min later.

This behavior has baffled my love interests over the years because it isn't like I feel comfortable having an open dialog with them about it.  Can you really picture a girl who can't even USE their toilet having this conversation, "Hey! We have been together for over a year and I have never dropped a deuce in your place before.  My tummy is growling and its not looking good.  I will probably drive home now just to maintain my perfect record of never using your potty for anything but pee.  I'll be back in 20-30min depending on traffic. Love you! See you soon!"  NO- that conversation doesn't happen.  I usually pretend I forgot to feed my dog or take my birth control (they always let you go home for that shit!) and drive frantically home while doing a little potty dance to hold it all in.  After episode is finished, I would drive back as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

THIS IS STRANGE! Right?  I mean, if you are dating someone for 1-3 years, wouldn't you think you would have reached that comfort level with them?  Will I ever?  Will I be married and build a secret poo bathroom in the basement that I never tell my husband about?? (and is it even weirder that as I typed that I made a mental note to check the costs on a room like that?!)

TOOTING COMPLEX / WEIRD PUNISHMENT: When you fart, it means you have to poo.
I know that this is false.  I have ALWAYS known that this is false.  BUT, my mother truly believed that the fart was a gateway to pooping your pants.  And in some very rare cases, (Senorita CalienteMess- I'm looking at you!) this is a possible outcome.  But never for me.

However, my brother and I were taught never to fart in front of others while growing up.  If we were caught "tooting," we would then be sentenced to sit on the toilet long enough to prove we wouldn't actually shit ourselves.  This was a most embarrassing "time out" and a wretched punishment.  I have since vowed never to fart in the presence of others no matter how uncomfortable my tummy is.  This behavior is what I consider to be polite and lady like.  However, I have since met a gaggle of females in my life who fart freely in front of loved ones as if it is their God given right.  I have even dated guys who accidently let one slip around me and although they were embarrassed at first - eventually they comfortable enough to occasionally toot without fear of judgement.  But for me?? Never.  Never!  I am like the cat that Pepe Le Pew chases around - I don't mind being WITH a skunk, and while I may look just like him, I will never be a skunk!


I mean, I have gas like any other human.  But I can honestly say that I will NEVER admit that in front of anyone.  I am 28 years old and none of my best friends or long term boyfriends have ever heard me fart.  My brother likely hasn't heard me fart in more than 24 years.  My future husband will likely never hear me fart.  I will uncomfortably hold it in or refrain from personal contact after Mexican food for the rest of my life.  IS THIS AS ABNORMAL AS I THINK IT IS? I mean, normal people fart in front of each other after being together a long time, right?


Shouldn't I eventually be comfortable enough with SOMEONE to be honest about my bodily functions??  OR did my mother just raise me "right?"

22 comments:

  1. Your mother ruined you. :)
    I think you should be able to poop in a guys bathroom after a year. But I used to hold my farts in before I was married to my hubby and then when I would leave his place, fart away. He still makes fun of me to this day. Now, well, we have been married 32 years. Farting is a necessary evil. :)

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  2. You're not the only weird one, Husband and I would refuse to do anything but pee if the other was in the house for the first year or so of dating. We tried talking about it, and discovered it was just best to leave it alone.

    Now, after 10 years of being together, and five years of it married, we've been known to walk in on each other while using the bathroom. Sometimes, I miss the days when it was an embarrassment to even pee when he was in the house....*sigh*

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  3. As a good southern gentleman, you have hit the nail on the head. I agree with all of those sentiments that you just said (or at least was raised to agree with them). There are just some things that are taboo and this is one of them. All of my girlfriends over the years have never been comfortable with either one of those things in front of me and for that I am thankful.

    By the way, a good southern woman who is a bad cook? I don't want to believe that's true!

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  4. alright not going to lie...every time i fart it usually means i have to poop...uh oh.

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  5. I agree I hate farting in front of a loved one. Brrrrf.

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  6. I must confess, I am firmly in the no-farting school here. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've done a two-zy in a guy's flat.

    Then again, that could be due to the lack of time I spend IN a guys flat whilst not "otherwise engaged".

    Just saying.

    - B x

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  7. I wasn't even allowed to say the word fart. It was as big a cuss as any other. I have held farts until I thought I would die. until it didn't even matter that I held them till I was in the restroom because the thundering sound must have been audible throughout the building.

    It's probably not normal, but you are certainly not alone.

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  8. " . . . the fart was a gateway to pooping your pants.

    Dying laughing at that. I have to say, I always believed the same thing. I just didn't really articulate it til I read this post.

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  9. I'm with you on the no bottom burping rule. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 and a half years now and still he has yet to hear me *%^* jeeze i can't even say *%^*. I just can't do it, it's 1) Gross 2) Unladylike and 3) Embarrassing, it's safe to say that i'm a bit of a prude when it comes to bodily functions.

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  10. I have Bum Burps, not farts.
    I live on the west coast of Canada and although we're well mannered, we do not have the southern manners. (I believe we could make room). My point is we're pretty casual about everything.

    I am a firm believer of no bum burps in front of anyone, ever. Doing a no.2 at a b/f's house, well isn't an option if I ahve to go. I have crohns and you'd be surprised how willing a b/f can be to rub your lower back (yes while you're ON the loo) and take care of you.

    It's not a huge deal, everyone poops.
    :)

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  11. You were raised the right way! After 12 years of marriage, neither of us have ever tooted OR ummm, gone #2. And I hope it doesn't change.

    PS- everyone I know thinks that we're absolutely nuts. Oh well.

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  12. OK- so I am NOT the only one! Thank God!

    @Paige- you might want to get that checked out! :)

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  13. HAHA this was so great. I never fart in front of people. I think it's rude, and I don't like smelling other peoples, so why should they have to smell mine?

    But doing number two's in a bathroom, I totally ok with. When you gotta go, ya gotta go. Just make sure none is left in the bowl because that shit is nasty!

    As a child I couldn't go to the toilet even to pee in any toilet other than my own, thanks to my mother. I've since outgrown that though.

    Although I always rub peoples backs when I give them hugs. Thanks Mum.

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  14. My fellow and I have been together for five years. We do not fart in front of each other. Once, he told me I was "gassy" in my sleep in the night and I was MORTIFIED!

    That being said, I do have a weak stomach and I def have to go #2 when needed.

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  15. My fellow and I have been together for five years. We do not fart in front of each other. Once, he told me I was "gassy" in my sleep in the night and I was MORTIFIED!

    That being said, I do have a weak stomach and I def have to go #2 when needed.

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  16. You were raised the right way! After 12 years of marriage, neither of us have ever tooted OR ummm, gone #2. And I hope it doesn't change.

    PS- everyone I know thinks that we're absolutely nuts. Oh well.

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  17. OK- so I am NOT the only one! Thank God!

    @Paige- you might want to get that checked out! :)

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  18. I agree I hate farting in front of a loved one. Brrrrf.

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  19. I wasn't even allowed to say the word fart. It was as big a cuss as any other. I have held farts until I thought I would die. until it didn't even matter that I held them till I was in the restroom because the thundering sound must have been audible throughout the building.

    It's probably not normal, but you are certainly not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I never fart in front of men either. Because if I do it, I'm giving THEM free reign to do it. And we all know how repulsive man-farts can be.

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  21. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a while.  So much truth!

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