Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Things I Hate Part 3

At this time of the month (and more honestly, probably a little Halloween Candy sugar crash) there are so many things I hate... although I know I gave you a list yesterday, let me display zero originality and rip off my own list format.

I HATE THE FOLLOWING:

1. When people warn me not to "stick my hand in the disposal" while I am cleaning my sink.  FUCKING DUH!  I am 28 years old.  I am not completely unaware of the fact that a disposal is made of quickly spinning blades that will grind up my fingers and cut them to the bone.  Why on earth would anyone believe that I would shove my hand down there while cleaning?  The blood would be hard to clean up, not to mention how harsh the cleaning supplies would be in the open wounds on my hands.

2. I hate Sex Tape Scandals.  It's like SOOOO 2007.  I have no idea why people still believe this to be a good idea.  Fuck! I don't even care about the paparazzi seeing it.  The one person on earth that I DON'T want to see a sex tape of me would be my boyfriend/husband.  Unless we used vaseline on the lens to soften the picture...taped only with candle light....and still were able to photoshop.  I can't imagine anything LESS sexy than watching my own drunk ass (safe bet that I am drunk while I agree to make a sex tape) fumbling with zippers and stuttering some dirty talk.  Learn from Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian- yes, a sex tape can make you famous BUT once those dudes see your naked cellulite ass on their camcorder, your are dunzo. Finito. Outty like clam chowdy!


3. "Fun Size" Candy Bars.  Making chocolate, carmel, cookie, nutty goodness in an easy to unwrap and pop in my mouth about 9 times a day form?? Umm yeah assholes.  It won't be so "fun" when I gain back all of my birthday weight.  Plus there is nothing like coming down from a sugar high to realize that you blacked out and are covered in chocolate smears and crumbs...not that this has ever happened to me...ahem.  I love them so much that I hate them...
4. My Glow in the Dark Ouija Board...it doesn't fucking work.  I chanted.  I politely said hello.  I called out for Rue McClanahan.  NOTHING!  I didn't pay $18.77 on Amazon.com and hold the board directly under a 60 watt lightbulb for 30 minutes just so I could turn out the lights and sit there with a stationary oracle.  Rue abandoned me.  Estelle Getty abandoned me.  It was like the worst day of my life.  Fucking Glow-in-the-Dark Ouija Board.

7 comments:

  1. Who. The. Fuck. is warning you not to stick your hands in the garbage disposal?? Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ugh I have a similar problem with fun sized candy. Specifically there's a bag of small dark chocolate reese's sitting next to my computer taunting me... not sure if I have enough will power for this.

    xx,
    Delilah

    ReplyDelete
  3. thanks for the laugh. I needed it badly

    ReplyDelete
  4. There will never be a sex tape from me. Never. Well, unless there is ever a movie made ABOUT me in which I'm having sex. And the person playing me is Gisele. Then I'm okay with it.

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  5. Fun size chocolate bars are like drugs, once you have one you're hooked, 10 mini devil treats later and you're nautious, depressed and wishing you had another ten left.

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  6. @VodkaandGroundBeef- you would be surprised...old people and young alike...I must strike them as someone with fewer brain cells than Forest Gump.

    @Dating Diva - Go for it! I have the strategy of "eat it all in one sitting to destroy the evidence."

    @Dazee - you are welcome, love!

    @Lizzie - Fucking brilliant! I personally plan to have Adriana Lima play me. If there are nude scenes in the movie of my life, fuck acting ability! I am going for pure Victoria's Secret sex appeal!

    @Alice X - yes..the first step is admitting we have a problem!

    ReplyDelete
  7. @VodkaandGroundBeef- you would be surprised...old people and young alike...I must strike them as someone with fewer brain cells than Forest Gump.

    @Dating Diva - Go for it! I have the strategy of "eat it all in one sitting to destroy the evidence."

    @Dazee - you are welcome, love!

    @Lizzie - Fucking brilliant! I personally plan to have Adriana Lima play me. If there are nude scenes in the movie of my life, fuck acting ability! I am going for pure Victoria's Secret sex appeal!

    @Alice X - yes..the first step is admitting we have a problem!

    ReplyDelete

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