Friday, November 5, 2010

When I Grow Up...

When I grow up, I want to be something awesome.  I am currently very happy with my job, but it isn't like I dreamed of being a marketing and consumer research consultant when I was running around in my Glinda the Good Witch Halloween Costume at age 5!  Back then I wanted to be a model...immediately followed by Supreme Court Justice.  I suspected that I would go down the VERY beaten, commonly taken path of Cindy Crawford to Sandra Day O'Connor.  Kind of like stripping to pay your way through Med School.

And now, with LinkedIn becoming the new way to land your dream job when you least expect it, I figure that it couldn't hurt to dream a little and document it.  I mean, if a headhunter is perusing LinkedIn for someone who is interested in finding someone to come up with names for OPI Nail Polish Colors, I want him to find ME!  If he types in buzzwords like "loves nail polish," "skills include coming up with funny names that are somewhat sexual," and "unafraid of lots of downtime," who is going to pop up??? THIS GIRL!  Run and tell that!

My first plan of attack is to think about my dream jobs so that I know which critical skillz to include on my dream resume!  Some of the occupations that I have been tossing around. (besides the OPI Nail Polish namer)


Stay At Home Dog Mom: OBVI!  I could totally get down with being a "lady who lunches!"  Plus, Bitchy Little Rat Dog would get so much more exercise and love.  I may even be able to teach her to play dead or at a minimum just not bark like a fucking possessed monster whenever boys or dark people come into my home.  The one downside is that the pay is not that good and I may get a little antsy without intelligent adult interaction. 


Halloween Costume Designer: I am just frat-tastic enough to be amazing at costume design.  I fucking love costume parties and theme parties- from my 7 bikini body tee shirts to my closet of costumes past- including Where's Waldo, Carmen Sandiego, Twister Board, Judy Jetson, A Stripper Popping Out of a Birthday Cake, Crazy Britney Spears, Show Girl, Flapper Girl, Cow, Corrupt Judge, Slutty Foreign Exchange Student, and Harry Potter...to name a few.  I can throw together something ridic in no time flat.  Why not share these skills with the world.  I mean, how many times can someone go to a costume party dressed as a slutty policeman or slutty nurse before you consult a professional on how to be ironic and funny for Halloween!

Non Traditional Christmas Tree Decorator:  In my house, I ban the color green when I have my trees. I have a fabulous white tree, pink tree, fiberoptic multi color tree, purple tree, and silver tree.  If you want kitschy, I can do kitschy!  You want a non traditional, yet festive home- HIRE ME!  I am a sensational holiday decorator!

Make Up and Style Consultant for Tomboys: If you know nothing about makeup, I am like a serious professional. (relatively speaking)  I can totally do you up.  You want a slightly less natural look than your no make up look- I got you!  You want a full on whore face- I can do that, too!  I accidentally got sucked into buying one of those overwhelming palettes from Sephora.com because it claimed to be a $457 VALUE FOR ONLY $48!!  Yeah...well now I have about 147 more colors of eye shadow than I need and like 27 more shades of lip gloss.  Might as well put that to good use!  Call me if you are a make up ritard- I got you!

Online Personal Shopper:  I love shopping...especially with someone else's money.  You need to update your wardrobe but don't have the time??  No worries- just give me your money, 3 hours online, and a hefty commission- and shit will get done.  I haven't been to a mall in like 3 years- I fucking hate parking and the crowds and all those skinny teen girls rolling their eyes and texting mean things about me...I know they are!  Anyway, I am a deal huntress, too.  I love nothing more than slaying a good deal.  I will fuck up some clearance and end of the season sales!  If I could make a career of this- I would die a happy girl!  I may be a bit of a hoarder by that point, though, because I will likely live by the "one for them, one for me" rule.

Life Coach/Bucket List Writer:  Clearly I am the fucking bomb at writing lists of shit that is awesome.  (case in point) And I also like to think that my flair for drama and creativity could culminate in a bad ass bucket list!  Plus I am good at giving advice (bad at taking it, but good at giving it) and I write a mean resume. (see above! what what?)  I am more than happy to take a mediocre life on the brink of shambles and create a plan to infuse danger, fun, and turn those bad decisions into a life of excitement and awesomeness!  I swear.  Trust me.

7 comments:

  1. LOL, if you get any of those jobs can I be your apprentice?

    ReplyDelete
  2. OOh! I almost forgot to add "Playlist Creator" - it is a hobby, a passion, and a key point of pride. Especially for holiday parties- I will blow your mind!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love multi-colored Christmas trees! I'd hire you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ok first of all yay for somewhat similar posts on dream jobs you had as a child!

    Ok I ALWAYS wondered about who is paid to come up with OPI nail polish names! They are always the funniest, most random things ever. My personal favorites are I'm Not Really A Waitress and Conquistador-able.

    By the way, how are those HUGE palettes from Sephora? I'm trying to become more brazen with my eyeshadow choices and they just seem like too good of a value.

    Oh… the security code I'm not a robot thingee was "

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lol. I laughed so hard at this. At least you have dreams girl. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1. My Christmas tree is black.

    2. The stay at home dog mom job is so appealing that I've decided to sell all three of my kids. Is there a classified section of LinkedIn?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ok first of all yay for somewhat similar posts on dream jobs you had as a child!

    Ok I ALWAYS wondered about who is paid to come up with OPI nail polish names! They are always the funniest, most random things ever. My personal favorites are I'm Not Really A Waitress and Conquistador-able.

    By the way, how are those HUGE palettes from Sephora? I'm trying to become more brazen with my eyeshadow choices and they just seem like too good of a value.

    Oh… the security code I'm not a robot thingee was "

    ReplyDelete

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