Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Christmas Carol: Starring Miley Cyrus and HauteMess

After seeing the video of Miley Cyrus hitting a bong, I immediately thought two things "What a fucking moron!" and "Where can I find salvia?"

In the spirit of Christmas, and inspired by the Three Ghosts of Christmas, I decided to give Miley a gift. The gift of wisdom. (If any readers are rolling their eyes right now because I am about to scold someone for being a mess- Just remember, those who can- DO.  Those who can't- come back as the ghost of Christmas Future and TEACH!)

Link to full video on TMZ.com
Dear Future Lindsay Lohan,

You were once such a sweet, innocent child.  This is why Disney bankrolled your incredibly unrealistic and spoiled life...including giving you a platform to spout every simple, idiotic shart of diarrhea your undereducated brain could muster.  They made you a household name, an icon.

This fame even spread to your family.  Your paycheck pulled your hillbilly father up out of the proverbial gutter and gave him a new "embarrassing-too-long-&-highlighted-to-be-age-appropriate" hairstyle.  This halo fame enjoyed by your talentless parents may have also caused their recent split, and indirectly your mom's inevitable case of the The Herp. (Bret Michaels, yo)

However, you are very likely going to fuck it all up.

What do You, Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, Paris Hilton, and all the cast members of Celebrity Rehab have in common?  YOU ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS!

Don't get me wrong!  I have no problem with drinking to excess sometimes, smoking a little "salvia" (ed. note: yeah fucking right! that was ganja...no doubt), making out with rando dudes, and having fun. SO- why do I care enough to haunt your ass?

BECAUSE the only thing you have going for you is your Disney image! And here you are fucking it all up.  You are 18- go ahead and have fun; Experiment!  BUT FOR GOD SAKES, DON'T LET ANYONE FILM YOU!  

Yes, Robert Downey Jr. and Drew Barrymore were both able to overcome negative public images and trips to jail/rehab....but you are no RDJ!  They have a little something that you don't....TALENT!

You are one TMZ video or US Weekly investigation away from your one way ticket back to the trailer park.  You (like Lindsay Lohan) will not rebound from this.  Because you aren't even good enough actresses to pretend like you have common sense.

So please, take my advice: read a book, ATTEMPT to get a real GED, or perhaps just get a new PR manager, and Grilled Cheesus Christ- do not knowingly and willingly allow yourself to be videotaped! (it may have worked for Kim Kardashian...but she is way hotter than you will ever be)

Merry Christmas!
You're Welcome.

Sincerely,
Ghost of Christmas Future

11 comments:

  1. That is so true, all the bimbos you just mentioned have 0 talent.

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  2. hautemess, you may be my new favorite person on the planet.

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  3. That girl annoys me in a way that all the others could never achieve... And I had completely forgotten Tara Reid even existed!

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  4. Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeaeeaaeh. It's a party in the USA.

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  5. Being Miley Cyrus' PR Manager is basically the worst job I can imagine. Ugh.

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  6. It is so sad. I really hope she pulls it together!

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  7. @Israel: Yep. Yet I still read about them in US Weekly. This IS the beginning of "Idiocracy"

    @Lexelives: THANKS, Girl! I hope I don't disappoint.

    @Boyfriend Whisperer: The only reason I still know about Tara Reid is that she is always pictured in "Gross Bikini Body" magazine covers. A cautionary tale of Lipo and Anorexia.

    @Just Sayin' & Baltimore Chop: Thanks! I could party in the USA to celebrate her first trip to rehab.

    @Lizzie: Miley PR Manager or Lohan PR Manager? (any Lohan) 7th level of hell....

    @Jules: I honestly don't think she has a "problem" other than being an idiot. I hope she pulls it together and gets an education so that she doesn't become the next Britney Spears, 28 and not allowed to speak without her Father in the room.

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  8. Being Miley Cyrus' PR Manager is basically the worst job I can imagine. Ugh.

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  9. Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeaeeaaeh. It's a party in the USA.

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