So, I entered into an official "relationship" last week with a friend of mine- per the napkin contract we both signed stating the terms of our courtship. (it was made official in accordance with Facebook and everything) While drunk, sitting at Waffle House in Columbus, OH, he turns to me and starts the following conversation:
MFFBF (mother fucking fake boyfriend): "Want to be my girlfriend? Just for the holidays?"ME: "Eh, probably not. What does that entail?"
MFFBF: "We go to the Festival of Lights at the Zoo, ice skating & hold hands, watch Christmas movies together, buy each other gifts around $50, maybe even snuggle."ME: "Define: 'snuggle'."
MFFBF: "We get horizontal on the couch while watching movies, maybe even spoon."ME: "Ummm....no fucking way."
ME: "Here are my terms. I'll go to Festival of Lights & Ice Skating, watch 1 Christmas movie and 1 new theater movie. No snuggling. No hand holding. You pay for all dates. Our gifts are $15 or less."
MFFBF: "NO! I want it all or nothing."ME: "Yeah. Not gonna happen. You have exactly 1 hour to make your decision. After that, I start taking away privileges."
MFFBF: "But I'm narcoleptic! I may fall asleep."ME: "That's my problem how?"
MFFBFF: "OK! FINE!"(8 hours later)
MFFBF: "I fell asleep."ME: "Yeah, I know. I almost left you at Waffle House."
MFFBF: "Here are my terms: gifts up to $25 and maybe some handholding, we don't have to interlock fingers."ME: "No."
MFFBF: "OK."ME: "Let's put this in writing."
And that is how a napkin relationship starts.