Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I Have a Boyfriend*

*Contractual obligation expires on January 1st, 2011.

So, I entered into an official "relationship" last week with a friend of mine- per the napkin contract we both signed stating the terms of our courtship. (it was made official in accordance with Facebook and everything)  While drunk, sitting at Waffle House in Columbus, OH, he turns to me and starts the following conversation:
MFFBF (mother fucking fake boyfriend): "Want to be my girlfriend? Just for the holidays?"
ME: "Eh, probably not. What does that entail?"
MFFBF: "We go to the Festival of Lights at the Zoo, ice skating & hold hands, watch Christmas movies together, buy each other gifts around $50, maybe even snuggle."
ME: "Define: 'snuggle'."
MFFBF: "We get horizontal on the couch while watching movies, maybe even spoon."
ME: "Ummm....no fucking way."
*thoughtfully pondering*
ME: "Here are my terms.  I'll go to Festival of Lights & Ice Skating, watch 1 Christmas movie and 1 new theater movie.  No snuggling.  No hand holding.  You pay for all dates. Our gifts are $15 or less."
MFFBF: "NO! I want it all or nothing."
ME: "Yeah. Not gonna happen.  You have exactly 1 hour to make your decision.  After that, I start taking away privileges."
MFFBF: "But I'm narcoleptic! I may fall asleep."
ME: "That's my problem how?"
(8 hours later)
MFFBF: "I fell asleep."
ME: "Yeah, I know.  I almost left you at Waffle House."
MFFBF: "Here are my terms: gifts up to $25 and maybe some handholding, we don't have to interlock fingers."
ME: "No."
ME: "Let's put this in writing."

And that is how a napkin relationship starts.


  1. Congratulations on your napkin relationship, I like your style!

  2. Awesome! Sounds like the perfect relationship for the holidays. What about your New Years Eve plans though? : )

  3. Haha. I'm pretty sure my current boy and I have unconsciously started dating for much of the same reasons. These are our terms: We will not exchange presents because we're poor, he will pay for my cider and the booze to spike it because I am poorer, we will cuddle lots, we will watch holiday movies, I will go ice skating even though I don't want to, and he will be okay when I don't hold his hands. (Also we have sex, but it's mostly for warmth. Ish.)

  4. haha congrats!!! Sounds promising!

  5. this is awesome, I need to get me one of these

  6. Seriously, that was amazing. And and an official napkin writer myself, I'm here to say, that contract is legal! Have a fun two weeks!

  7. I'm digging the strategy, sweets.

    But is he cute and is there any 'festive shagging' permitted?

    Cuz if not I kinda don't see the point.

    - B x

  8. hahahaha love it.
    It's like a short term version of having a backup husband.

  9. @Alethea: Thanks, girl! This new trend may sweep the nation.

    @Leah: Great question- my MFFBF is a groomsman in a wedding and I am hosting a party at my place. So we shall not share a midnight kiss. HA!

    @gem: I LOVE your relationship- sounds like my dream! Especially the sex part. :)

    @JEn, PYT, Jules: Thanks, loves!!

    @B: I failed to mention that I also work with this guy...and I learned the incredibly hard way not to mix business and pleasure.

    @Just Saying: This could be the beginning of a long term agreement!



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