I was on my way home last Friday evening, texting at least 4 people about my incredibly packed social calendar for the evening: happy hour, a girl date with Senorita CalienteMess, and a comedy show! It was set to be a glorious Friday night.
But then I arrived home, punched the button on my garage door opener, danced around in my car to the musical styling of Outkast while the door slowly opened, and then I casually mused, "Hmm...why is it raining in my garage?"
And then I shouted, "WHY IS IT RAINING INSIDE MY GARAGE!?!?"
Background: I live in a 3 story townhouse condo- the first floor is 2 car garage (but it's filled with shit so really it's only a 1 car garage with an open space for storage) and an entry way with a coat closet. The second floor is my main living area: an open living room + dining room area, kitchen, and half bath. The third floor is where the magic happens. (wink wink) SO- if it is "raining" IN my garage, you must see why I was pretty concerned.
Now where was I? Oh yes... shouting "WHY IS IT RAINING INSIDE MY GARAGE!?!?"
My thought process went EXACTLY like this:
"Ohmigawd, water! WATER! FLOOD! Busted pipe? God's wrath? OH GAWD! BITCHY LITTLE RAT DOG (BLRD) CAN'T SWIM! Oh fuck...I can't afford this shit... [I then jumped out of my car, leaving it running with all my belongings except my iPhone and bounded up the stairs][Please note: I did NOT hang the phone up when I got Caliente's voicemail...AAANNNND the following was no longer just inner monologue....at this point I begin "thinking" out loud]
"Water EVERYWHERE! BLRD is totes dry and safe in her little cage in the corner, PHEW! OK, like only an inch of water. I need to cross over the water to get to the source...but what about my shoes??? Not these shoes! They are too pretty to die.
"I better call Senorita CalienteMess. When was she last home? How long has it been flooding? Ring ring, ANSWER DAMMIT! No answer...fuck. The toilet has gone mental...it's just vomiting up water from both decks, upper and lower. Smells clean...though. So at least my house isn't full of doody. What now? My house is in shambles."
"Ok, there's the shut off valve. I have to turn the water to the toilet off. Righty tighty, lefty loosey? Right tighty? OMIGAWD! How am I supposed to know if I am turning this thing right?? Right tighty, please say this is righty tighty... YES! RIGHTY! TIGHTY! RULES! OK....now what?? Do I call 911?"
BUT, I quickly realized that 911 would laugh at me if I called for help. So instead, like the grown ass independent woman that I am, I called my daddy, shouted obscenities, and begged him to drive 30miles to my house to help me. I canceled all my fun plans for the evening and changed into my scrubby clothes and pushed water around all night.
Its like the universe is forcing me to grow up and become a responsible adult. But no worries, I still shouted the following two statements during the emergency clean up:
Mom: "While the dishwasher is out we should go clean under there."When it was all said and done, the water destroyed my hardwood floors and baseboards, the carpeting on the steps, the ceilings and walls on the first floor...so basically the water destroyed my life. I am currently living in shambles. Soggy shambles. [dramatic exaggeration] The Great Fucking Flood!
Me: "WHY? So the next homeowner that changes appliances won't judge me? NAH- I want to leave even more shit under there...Like a time capsule."
Mom: "You aren't my daughter."
Me: "I know."
Dad: "The crew knocked out the ceiling and walls in your garage. They had to move a few things around so you may want to check and make sure everything is ok."
Me: "NO!!! Everything is NOT OK. They unplugged my beer fridge and blocked all access to my costumes!"
Dad: "Great. So everything's fine."
But on a very serious note, I must say that Traveler's Insurance is AMAZING. They were the rainbow after the flood. They paid for emergency cleanup services, drycleaning for the wet coats in my closet, and will pay for ALL repairs. Re-construction starts in February. My representative was friendly, understanding, and fast acting. I will NEVER leave Traveler's.