Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Playing M.A.S.H. with Mr. GayMess

When my ex MFFBF (Mother Fuckin Fake Boyfriend) gave me a notepad with the M.A.S.H. game on it for our Christmas Exchange, I couldn't wait to bring it out at a party!  (You know how I do- take a pop culture reference from early childhood and somehow exploit it into a drinking game.)

However, I don't know that Mr. GayMess totally understood the importance, relevance, and AWESOMENESS that is M.A.S.H.  Like reality, your future is determined by random chance coupled with your burning desire to follow your dreams.  In his case, his dreams = my nightmare.  I feel the need to share this bizarre turn of events with you...to document the night that I, the queen of deflowering all innocent childhood games, actually blushed while playing M.A.S.H.


I present you with.... 

"PLAYING MASH WITH MR. GAYMESS: HIS FUTURE, MY NIGHTMARE"

 Please keep in mind while reading this, I allowed him to choose 3 out 4 choices for his future...he has some very lofty goals and some very low standards!  The 4th choice on each of these (besides dwelling) were my "random chance" contributions to his future...normally I add something gross and ridiculous to offset someone's millionaire future in Malibu with Edward Cullen.  However, in this case...well....I don't know what the fuck to do with this.

THE DREAM OPTION
Dwelling:
Mansion
Apartment
Shack
House


Spouse:
Bob Dole
Richard Simmons
Sarah Palin
HauteMess's Mom*


Occupation:
Taking a dump
Forrest Gump
Being a Chump
President of the United States* (ed. note: perhaps I have higher expectations of him than he does himself.


Spouse's Occupation:
Eating Shrimp
Not Being Limp
Flying a MF Blimp
Lawyer*


Income:
$24,397
$5,192
$101,000
$999,999*


City:
Cincinnati, Kansas
My Bung Hole (ed. note: never too old for that one, eh?)
Larry Bird's Mansion
New Orleans*


# of Kids:
5
4
3
0*


Sex Frequency (times/week):
18
101
7
0*


Cause of Death:
Never
Lightning
Larry Bird Murder with a blow to the head causing irreversible damage to the frontal lobe
Straining While Pooping on the Pot*

*HauteMess Contributions

(ed. note: WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO WITH THAT?!?!  Simple...you finish your 8th cocktail, start making some MF tally marks, and count down to the best future imaginable. (disclaimer: best future imaginable after a million beers))


THE "FORTUNE" TELLING FUTURE
Dwelling:
Mansion
Apartment
Shack
House

Spouse:
Bob Dole
Richard Simmons
Sarah Palin
HauteMess's Mom

Occupation:
Taking a dump
Forrest Gump
Being a Chump
President of the United States (ed. note: perhaps I have higher expectations of him than he does himself.

Spouse's Occupation:
Eating Shrimp
Not Being Limp
Flying a MF Blimp
Lawyer

Income:
$24,397
$5,192
$101,000
$999,999

City:
Cincinnati, Kansas
My Bung Hole (ed. note: never too old for that on, eh?)
Larry Bird's Mansion
New Orleans

# of Kids:
5
4
3
0

Sex Frequency (times/week):
18
101
7
0

Cause of Death:
Never
Lightning
Larry Bird Murders you with a blow to the head causing irreversible damage to the frontal lobe
Straining While Pooping on the Pot

Makes sense, really...I mean, if you could be Forrest Gump for a living and bone Richard Simmons a hundred times a week (after all, his only job is to not be limp) - wouldn't you?? (barf/blush)

6 comments:

  1. Sweet Jesus, I remember playing mash and being HEARTBROKEN that I didnt get my crush as my future husband.

    That was last week.

    Current man friend was not impressed that I was crying because Jake gyllenhall and I will never be together in a houseboat with our possible seven children.

    This game ruins lives.

    ReplyDelete
  2. M.A.S.H. is the shit. Excellent post.

    PS. Will Arnett and I are going to have 5 babies and live in a mansion. Can. Not. Wait.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I...I haven't the words.

    It actually sounds divine.

    If, of course, Richard Simmons were Javier Bardem and the whole kids thing were rethought.

    Well done, sugar.

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  4. truly amazing. but yes, must agree with javier bardem. wow. WOW.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I...I haven't the words.

    It actually sounds divine.

    If, of course, Richard Simmons were Javier Bardem and the whole kids thing were rethought.

    Well done, sugar.

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  6. M.A.S.H. is the shit. Excellent post.

    PS. Will Arnett and I are going to have 5 babies and live in a mansion. Can. Not. Wait.

    ReplyDelete

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