Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wait...WHAT HAPPENED?

Recently, it has come to my attention that I missed a lot of things while watching movies as a Lil HauteMess.  As a little kid, I blissfully watched movies, glossing over things I didn't understand and using context clues to fabricate simple, more kid friendly plot lines.

Now, I am having a major crisis.  I don't know what is real and what I made up!

When I first realized that I had a problem, I was about 17 years old.  I was with my BFF one night in her basement drinking Zimas & Jolly Ranchers and chatting about our favorite movies. (SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen Dirty Dancing, wait...never mind.  If you haven't seen it, then you deserve to have it spoiled!)
BFF: Dirty Dancing has to be like the best movie EVERRR! I mean, I don't usually go crazy for Swazy, but in that movie, he is FIIIINE.
ME: Totally!  I love the dancing scenes and the music.  I just never really understood why Penny had to quit because of hypothermia.
BFF: Yeah. I know, right?  Wait...what? Hypothermia?  When?
ME: Oh you know!  That part where she got locked in a freezer.
BFF:  WHAT THE FUCK?
ME: Yeah. She got locked in a freezer.  They found her.  She was shaking.  Johnny carried her somewhere.  I totally remember it.
BFF: Umm...how do I break this to you? Hmmm.
ME: Break what to me?
BFF: Penny didn't get locked in a freezer; she had an abortion!
ME: WHAT?!?!  NO WAY!
BFF: YES WAY!
ME:  Then why the fuck did my parents let me watch it when I was like 8 years old.
BFF: I have no idea.  But how is it possible that you are the valedictorian of our high school and haven't figured this out since.
ME: *silence* Uh.Yeah. Want me to go in the garage and get more Zima?
BFF: Yep!
 I legitimately believed that Penny got LOCKED.IN.A.FREEZER? Until I was 17!!! What the fuck?

More recently, I rewatched the movie I watched every single day for 3 weeks in a row during the summer of 1993: A League Of Their Own.  I used to watch that with milk & cookies on a picnic blanket in the middle of my living room floor.  It was my crack, and Penny Marshall was my dealer.  I needed a hit everyday.  And once, when my parents were out of town, I watched it TWICE in one day.  I even got a stopwatch out so I could time Jimmy Dugan peeing out of sheer 11 year curiosity. Approx 49 seconds, in case you were wondering.


As it turns out, I just found out last month that I didn't actually understand 1/3 of the dialogue.  Like when Tom Hanks signed that little kid's baseball with "AVOID THE CLAP. -Jimmy Dugan," I just thought he was tired of all the applause.  Or when Jon Lovitz told the girls in the locker room that he had to go home to "Give the wife a little PICKLE TICKLE," I just assumed it was like a stuffed toy shaped like a pickle.  Perhaps it laughed when you squeezed it- like 'Tickle Me Elmo?'

Even more shocking was when I was watching "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" a couple weeks ago.  After Cousin Eddie says that he and Catherine needed a little alone time, I heard Cousin Eddie whisper to Catherine "don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils." WHAT?!  I actually blocked that one from my memory because when I heard that this year...I was flabbergasted.  A Richard Gere joke? But before the Richard Gere incident??  My head might explode.

It is like the veil of innocence and pre-adolescent coping mechanisms is being removed and now I just get to discover that I actually know very little about all my childhood favorite movies...and what I do know is very likely something I made up in my own head.

I am so confused.  Should I watch the movies all over again today and uncover my brain's conspiracies to cover up the truth?  Or resign myself to never watch them again, and hold on to those last shreds of childhood ignorance?

15 comments:

  1. OMG I used to love A league of their Own, and just recently watched again and caught that "pickle tickle" joke. I missed so much as a child too!

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  2. ah, but this is why you had to become mademoiselle hauteness. so it turned out okay after all.

    jill
    http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

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  3. A league of their own used to be one of my favourite movies as a kid, too! now, I'm afraid to go back and watch it to see what my little kid brain glossed over, haha. Really, though, the Rocky Horror Picture Show was also one of my favourite movies... I have no idea why the hell my parents let my sister and I watch that over and over and over again when we were little...

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  4. I did the same thing with music. "Low" by Cracker lyrics: "I'll be with you girl..like being low..hey hey hey like being stoned" I always assumed "stoned" as in the Biblical sense. Oops.

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  5. OMG now you've dirtied my innocence! <-- that came out creepier then i meant it. i LOVED A league of their own. kay who am i kidding when that movie comes on now im all like " madonna and rosie are like the best twosome ever" but i dont recall any of those lines! lol avoid the clap.... shit i love Tom Hanks.

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  6. All amazing movies! It's good to know that children tend to block out/not understand the scandalousness of some of the dialogue.

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  7. so I'm in my (late-ish) 20s and this is still happening to me! I watch movies and I'm like WTF...how have I missed this all along?!?

    It was only a few years ago I grasped the Dirty Dancing abortion bit...I could never figure out what the hell happened to her.

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  8. If you want to preserve the golden mem'ries of youth, DO NOT re-watch "Grease!"

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  9. Uh, ya. You and I were pretty much meant to be soulmates. Zima and Jolly Ranchers? HELLO 1998-2000. League of Their Own? Still makes me cry.

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  10. What's possibly worse is when you've loved a film for THE ENTIRETY of your youth and then you watch it again as an adult and realise it's RUBBISH.

    Um, Dumb and Dumber?

    Not that funny.

    Titanic?

    Crap!

    Tragic, my sweet Hautemess. Tragic.

    - B x

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  11. def rewatch. it's enlightening. and vaguely horrifying.

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  12. @Jules: I always thought it was such good, clean fun...oh Jon Lovitz!

    @Jill: Yes- great point! I suppose my awkwardness is a part of my charm. :)

    @Tara: Rocky Horror?? Wow! You were braver than me- it scared me when I was little. I always thought of Tim Curry as the killer in "Clue" so he automatically scared me. Ha!

    @Wfayew: I ALSO used to rock out to that song at an innappropriately young age, but you took it to a whole new level of innocence by referencing the bible. Well done!

    @Constar: I am honored to "dirty your innocence"! I believed for years that Madonna and Rosie were best friends in real life, too. They may be...

    @M: It is amazing how complex our brains are- it is the childhood equivalent of believing the earth is flat. :)

    @PYT- Thank you! It was a very confusing scene in Dirty Dancing! I am glad that I wasn't alone.

    @MissBliss: First, awesome name! I loved Hayley Mills. Second, I was told a few weeks ago that the lyrics in "Grease Lightning" include something about making a girl "cream." I was horrified. I probably ran around my house singing that shit at the top of my lungs for years...oh, the humanity!

    @Lizzie: I am glad someone noticed and could fully appreciate the Zima reference! I mean, how else did kids learn to drink malt liquor without a little jolly rancher?

    @Barreness: You hold your tongue when you speak of Dumb & Dumber!!! And Titanic?? It STILL blows my mind that people believe that Leo was anything more than a great fuck! They knew each other one day! ONE DAY! Ah!

    @Vittoria: I will keep you updated as I make my rounds through the HauteMess 90s hall of movie fame!

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  13. LOL... I'm not sure any of our parents should have let us watch Dirty Dancing so young - I am in the same boat as you! I never really registered what was going on AT ALL until high school, but watched the movie like a million times. One thing I remember, is I thought that Johnny and Baby got married after the summer was over. I watched the movie again when someone gave me the special edition DVD, and realized they just parted ways. Why in the WORLD did I think they got married? OH, cause my mom needed a way to justify their premarital sex and told me that when the movie was over, they got married. And I never doubted her. LOL!! Crazy.

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  14. A league of their own used to be one of my favourite movies as a kid, too! now, I'm afraid to go back and watch it to see what my little kid brain glossed over, haha. Really, though, the Rocky Horror Picture Show was also one of my favourite movies... I have no idea why the hell my parents let my sister and I watch that over and over and over again when we were little...

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  15. OMG I used to love A league of their Own, and just recently watched again and caught that "pickle tickle" joke. I missed so much as a child too!

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