Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Who Would Make Your Top 5?

While at a casual wine tasting last Friday, surrounded by women twice my age that kept referring to Senorita CalienteMess, Madame MarriedMess and I as "The Kardashians," (sidenote: this definitely made me Khloe, and I was not happy about it!) Madame MarriedMess asked a simple, pointed question -

"Who are your top 5?"

Me: "Top 5 what? Worst Makeouts? Because stabby tongue wins all five even though I only kissed him once."
Mme. MarriedMess: "Top 5 Free Passes for Sex."
Me: "Ooh! I have never heard of having 5! I thought husbands only give you 1!"
Mme. MarriedMess: "Yeah, well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

Madame MarriedMess and Senorita CalienteMess shared 3 of the top 5 - making them eskimo sisters in my books.  George Clooney.  Ryan Gosling.  And some other boring answer I have honestly forgotten by now.  Ryan Gosling was hot in exactly one movie - The Notebook.  And he was really only hot to me in the scene where he shouts in the rain, "It wasn't over. It's STILL not over" and grabs Rachel McAdams by the rear, hoists her up onto his love member and runs back into the house to ravage her.   Ok, pretty hot.

BUT- It wasn't until MarriedMess proclaimed her fifth and final choice that I stopped picturing a wet Ryan Gosling undressing himself and was snapped back into the conversation with my full attention.

Mme. MarriedMess: "And finally, Jordan Catalano. Not Jared Leto.  Not even Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano.  I want to fuck the kid who can't read!"

AMAZE BALLS!  This adds a whole new element! Opening up the Top 5 not just to include people who are hot and sexy TODAY but an added time machine element is involved???  Any male star/character, of any era, you name it - you got it!  I thought my head may explode.

Sean Connery circa James Bond? Yum.
Tom Cruise circa Top Gun (and plus 8inches of height? OK!
Randy "Pink Floyd" Pinkerton from Dazed and Confused? I may have just finished.
Daniel Tosh or Joel McHale? Funny is sexy!
Chevy Chase from the early 80's? I just want to grab on to that long hair and ride him like a pony...

But alas, I settled on my Top 5...I proudly stand by all these choices.
1) David Beckham. 
(MarriedMess and I agree on at least this!) The perfect male specimen.  If he and Alessandra Ambrosio were to procreate, it would just look like sparkles and bright shining light leading us all to the promised land.  Plus, after all those years boning that wrinkled leather sack of bones and botox (yes, I am speaking ill of Queen Posh) - he may appreciate some womanly curves!

2) Robert Redford circa 1974
 I'll say it...Robert Redford is the original Brad Pitt, but without all the homewrecker, bloodsucker drama.  Also, he founded the Sundance Film Festival and he makes a white suit look good. (if the suit part isn't on his resume, it should be) He is the only reason that I even read The Great Gatsby. (true story- I hated reading required books in high school).  He is the reason that I want my future wedding (to a mail order groom, most likely) to be a Gatsby Theme.  He just oozes sex appeal and confidence. Sigh.

3) Matthew McConaughey circa A Time To Kill
 We all know that Matthew McConaughey (a.k.a. the man whose brother named his first born 'Miller Light') is sexy as fuck.  BUT I like to picture my McConaughey back before he admitted to not wearing deodorant...I like to picture him as Jake Brigance.  Young, sexy lawyer with balls of steel and a heart of gold.  When he says, "Now, picture she's white!" in his closing statement...I get chills every time.  He was the first celebrity that I officially LUSTED after.  I watched that movie maybe 25times and posted a magazine clipping collage (a la Tiger beat) of him in my bedroom...it was my 8th grade sexual awakening, I believe.

4) Alexander Skarsgaard
I LOVE vampires. I want him on top of me NOW.  I have seen him many a sex scene on "True Blood" and that fuels roughly 50% of my dirty thoughts and dreams.  He is one of the few Hollywood Stars that is tall enough for me in real life...he is like 6'5" or something awesome....those piercing blue eyes, that chiseled physique...bite me, Eric Northman, bite me!

5) Sawyer from Lost
 Yes...I am obsessed with Lost.  Partially because JJ Abrams fucks my brain sideways every time I watch it, and partially because I like to picture Sawyer fucking ME sideways.  He is hilarious, and gritty, and sexy, and raw...he is all that is the Stetson Man. 

Holy shit, I need a cold shower.  Apparently I am into chiseled, rugged, blond hair & blue eyed, bad boy, Ken Dolls with hearts of gold.  If you know of any in real life, please send them my way!

Who are your top 5?

13 comments:

  1. I'm old enough that Robert Redford was my first heart trob. Yum. And I love Matthew McConaughey. As I love A Time To Kill too. Some men can just pull off a sex scene that others just shouldn't even try. Those 2 can do it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Um...I see neither Gyllenhaal nor Bardem on here and I gotta say -

    I'm disappointed.

    I only have a Top 2. If I had need for "passes" of course.

    I love my life.

    - B x

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1. 70's Burt Reynolds
    2. James Coburn as Flint
    3. Indiana Jones
    4. Rob Lowe as Sam Seaborn
    5. Mike Holmes

    Man the list could go on forever...

    Wait... you meant top five guys I'd want to be best friends with right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Also, forget 80's Fletch/Vacation Chevy Chase, I take Foul Play Chevy Chase.

    SO DREAMY.

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1.Simon Baker
    2.Matthew McConaughey
    3.Jude Law
    4.Hugh Jackman
    5.Jason Statham.

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG LOVE Jordan Catalano! Not such a fan of Jared Leto though. And Alexander Skarsgaard is totally hot. And he's SWEDISH! My favorite. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Stumbled across your blog today as I love Carrie Bradshaw, but yes, she is full of shit. And I just heard a horrible rumor regarding her: there is talk of a Sex and the City prequel starring Blake Lively. http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/is-blake-lively-the-new-carrie-bradshaw-2451577/ May it only be a rumor!

    Thanks for the eye candy, fun post :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Dazee: Robert Redford is totally worthy of that first crush!

    @Barreness: I would most definitely make both Jake and Javier's toes curl...but for some reason the blonds get me every time! But the good news is that you and I can go out together and never have to share!

    @Kev D.: No judgement! HA! Your list is phenom- I would "befriend" them all, as well. ;)

    @Just Sayin: Jude Law pre-Sienna Miller scandal...fuck it, Jude Law ANYTIME gives me butterflies! And Jason Statham could drive me around in a car chase anytime!

    @International Woman of Mystery: I may have doodled Jordan Catalano's name in 100notebooks back in the day. And by back in the day, I may mean last week.

    @New York Cliche: Welcome! Thanks for stopping by and saying hello. I thought SATC2 was the worst thing to happen to Carrie Bradshaw...but this could be worse. I LOVED the show to my very core (which is why reality was so shocking!) - but this movie franchise is just not hot!

    ReplyDelete
  9. First time on your blog, and must say I'm loving what I see and will be back for more!

    My top 5!
    1) Alexander Skarsgaard. Same reason as yours (Im 6'1 so...) + his smile, Gosh no one should be allowed to have such a sexy cheeky smile.
    2) Ian Somerhalder. 2nd vampire to make it on my list... and these eyes... enough said.
    3) Tom Welling or Clark Kent or Superman, Any will do, am not picky.
    4)Ryan Reynolds, anytime, anywhere...
    5)Bradley Cooper, even more when he speaks french, am melting.

    Right cold shower now for the single lady here :p

    ReplyDelete
  10. First time on your blog, and must say I'm loving what I see and will be back for more!

    My top 5!
    1) Alexander Skarsgaard. Same reason as yours (Im 6'1 so...) + his smile, Gosh no one should be allowed to have such a sexy cheeky smile.
    2) Ian Somerhalder. 2nd vampire to make it on my list... and these eyes... enough said.
    3) Tom Welling or Clark Kent or Superman, Any will do, am not picky.
    4)Ryan Reynolds, anytime, anywhere...
    5)Bradley Cooper, even more when he speaks french, am melting.

    Right cold shower now for the single lady here :p

    ReplyDelete
  11. Stumbled across your blog today as I love Carrie Bradshaw, but yes, she is full of shit. And I just heard a horrible rumor regarding her: there is talk of a Sex and the City prequel starring Blake Lively. http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/beauty/is-blake-lively-the-new-carrie-bradshaw-2451577/ May it only be a rumor!

    Thanks for the eye candy, fun post :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG LOVE Jordan Catalano! Not such a fan of Jared Leto though. And Alexander Skarsgaard is totally hot. And he's SWEDISH! My favorite. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. 1. 70's Burt Reynolds
    2. James Coburn as Flint
    3. Indiana Jones
    4. Rob Lowe as Sam Seaborn
    5. Mike Holmes

    Man the list could go on forever...

    Wait... you meant top five guys I'd want to be best friends with right?

    ReplyDelete

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