Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Deep Questions with Mademoiselle HauteMess

In case you didn't know, I am an incredibly deep person.  Transcendental thoughts occupy most of my days.  I am really really close to figuring out the meaning of life.  I typically only like to speak strictly in the abstract.

Nah, just fucking with you.  Sex jokes and teen fiction make up 80% of my social conversations.  Between rousing games of MFK, my friends and I occasionally discuss theories about Lost and who really killed Allison on ABC Family's Pretty Little Liars.

I am not exaggerating... in the past 5 days, I have received two texts from Senorita CalienteMess saying, "I miss Lost." The last 3 months of texts with Madame MarriedMess have included commentary on Elvin Tibideaux's rat tail, why Sondra and Denise Huxtable are so white,  the benefits of watching "Small Wonder" hungover, the current happenings on General Hospital, and how shitty this season of One Tree Hill has been.

The sad thing is - within the group there are two high school valedictorians, multiple graduate degrees, and a pending PhD. YET... at dinner last night, Mademoiselle BlondeMess and I talked about the following:

1) Get pregnant
2) Get a DUI
3) Get Bed Bugs

I couldn't believe how difficult this conversation actually was.  While it may not be an intellectual debate that Harvard would endorse, it does involve some soul searching.  What would YOU rather? (for those of you who hope to have babies/are trying to have babies/already have babies - please take no offense.  Moms make the world go round- I applaud your strength, commitment, and bravery.  My biological clock is just more broken than the "Back To The Future" Clock Tower. That is all.)

My Answer:
All three of these things are on the tops of my worst nightmare list - right up there with getting tipped over in a Port-A-Potty, door side down.

Getting a DUI would definitely suck.  It can end a career, and more importantly, make my mother cry.  Party Plates are like (less functional) fanny packs- fun to joke about, mortifying to wear.

And, as I have shared before...I am less afraid of Death than I am of Bed Bugs.  They attack you at night and suck your blood...but not in a hot, Edward Cullen way.  They live for months without food.   You basically have to burn your house down to get rid of them because the EPA won't let us use the good pesticides.  (I would rather lose the Bald Eagle forever than have bedbugs take over the nation!)  Thoughts of bed bugs make me want to cry, vomit, and have a seizure all at once.  Total nightmare!

However, getting pregnant can lead to an even BIGGER nightmare...CHILDREN.  I am in no way equipped to be a good mom.  It just won't happen.  Plus, they ruin your body (except for Heidi Klum...and all those Victoria's Secret Models) and you bladder control. I have no doubt that I would gain 85lbs, get hemorrhoids and cystic acne, experience night terrors, and eventually be bedridden for the safety of all those around me if I got pregnant. 

Then there is the whole BABY issue.  They keep you from sleeping for months.  They get all kinds of viruses from daycare and bring them home to you.  Then they grow up and need help studying. (I already went to school for 16 years, thank you very much!) And they grow into the worst creatures known to man...TEENS.

According to MTV Skins, teens now have tons of promiscuous sex, get the clap, and get high & drunk constantly.  According to the internt, teens take shots of vodka through their eye sockets, wearing vodka soaked tampons, and using beer bongs for their ass.  Even though the rational side of me knows that this is probably just a couple of douchey kids who got too much YouTube exposure...I still feel confident that my unborn children will be the future inventors of the next rum enema or something.

Therefore, I choose DUI.  The shame may last a few years...but at least it won't slowly eat you while you sleep or use an estimated 8,000 diapers in its lifetime (that's a LOT of shit) and cost $1 million per year for college tuition.

p.s. If I ever get accidentally pregnant, this is how I am telling my parents it happened:
(thank you  European MTV for your brilliant Safe Sex ad campaign)


  1. The Air Force brainwashed me into thinking that drunk driving is the worst possible thing you can do evAR and I *have* a kid.

    So, yeah, I can move away from bedbugs without the police or CPS being involved. But all of those choices are hilariously awful.

  2. Don't get me wrong - I agree with you and the Air Force! Drunk Driving is asinine ... but I like to think that possibly I just took a swig of Listerine right before a breathalyzer! :)

  3. I would choose the DUI, too. Getting pregnant right now isn't really an option, and bedbugs scare the living daylights out of me. I don't even want to think about that happening! *shudders*

  4. Good choice! I don't really think getting pregnant will ever be an option...and bedbugs will always creep me out!

  5. Pretty sure I don't need to vote here.

    Although bed bugs would suck.

    What with all the time I spend there...


  6. As bad as it sounds, and your prolifers you saw the other day would come after me in a second, but I choose pregnant or bed bugs. Both can be taken care of, especially if you can't handle either at the time. DUIs are on your record and anyone can easily look up the info about you. The entire public doesn't know about your bed bugs or abortion. LOVE these MTV comic strips too, btw. Haven't seen these!



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