Friday, March 4, 2011

Emails My Grandma Sends Me

My 84 year old grandma is very technologically advanced for her age...which isn't exactly saying a lot.  She has a computer, an internet connection, and an email account.  She is very savvy at exactly 2 things on the internet:
- Hitting the "Forward" button in her email
- Creating Jacquie Lawson greeting cards for me (or really just forwarding one someone created for her)

I typically delete all the stuff she sends me because I assume it is all about puppies, religion, or bullshit political spew.  I can't be bothered with all of that because I like to use my email for REAL stuff...like forwarding awesome YouTube videos and emailing myself awesome blog ideas.

I never assumed there were any funny, ironic little gems in my inbox until my sister-in-law reforwarded me about a special email from Nana with a note that said. "I am sure you deleted this, but please scroll down and keep in mind that your 84 year old grandmother sent this to us!"  I nearly missed "The People of Wal-Mart."

Keep in mind, the reason I find this so ironic is because my grandmother has absolutely NO sense of humor.  She is 84. Southern. Prim. Proper. Conservative. Religious. And doesn't understand sarcasm or satire.  She hates minorities and democrats almost as much as she hates cursing, drafty restaurants, and loud noises.

She sometimes smiles and chuckles silently...but I have never heard her belly laugh.  And I have never heard her tell a joke.

At Christmas, we made the mistake of watching "The Town" as a family, and she hasn't spoken much since...I think watching Ben Affleck bone Blake Lively scarred her delicate eyes.

Let's just say, she and I don't have a lot in common.

I decided that it was time to find out what the hell is she sending me?  I wanted to know what  it is that she reads and immediately thinks to herself, "This is great! I have to share this with my granddaughter!"

So I decided to read every email she sent me for a whole week. (this week alone she sent more than 40 of these bad boys)  Some of them were quite funny, some touching (one of them MAY have brought a tear to my eye - don't judge), but mostly they just made me thankful for the delete button.

I wanted to share my favorite, most representative excerpts below. This beautiful mix of awkward jokes, ironic statements, and racist/republican vomit quotes were all found in forwarded emails from my southern, proper, meek, little old Grandmother this week.

So I now present you with: "EMAILS MY 84 YEAR OLD GRANDMA SENDS ME!" 

I'll start on a light note with funny old people jokes:
"'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom."

Views on how America SHOULD be:
  "...I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.  I believe there should be no other language option."

A very scientific explanation on the dangers of Islam:
"...Unfortunately, peace is never achieved, as in these 100% Muslim states the most radical Muslims intimidate and spew hatred, and satisfy their blood lust by killing less radical Muslims, for a variety of reasons."

Tips for the post office:
"...President Obama has directed the United States Postal Service to REMEMBER and HONOR the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a new commemorative 44-Cent First Class Holiday Postage Stamp.  REMEMBER to adamantly & vocally BOYCOTT this stamp, when you are purchasing your stamps at the post office.  All you have to say is "No thank you, I do not want that Muslim Stamp on my letters!"  

Interesting and totally credible sounding health tips:
"..Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all these will NOT happen if you take fruits on an empty stomach." 

Burned biscuits???:
" ...Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal -breaker!" (ed. note: I lol'd in a hotel lobby reading this one purely because it had the words burnt biscuits and dealbreaker in the same sentence! Maybe we aren't so different) 

And finally, approval of my lifestyle:


P.S. I spared you all from the one titled "Proud to be White."  But just know, I almost spit coffee all over my expensive MacBook when I read the words "Beaner," "Gook," and "Chink" in the same email because I was trying to picture my sweet little old Nana saying reading the email aloud to herself before deciding, "Ooh, this is a good one to send to my 28 year old Grand Daughter with friends of all races, colors, creeds, etc. She'll like it." I don't even know what a "beaner" is!!?!?!


9 comments:

  1. 1) I'm glad I'm not the only one who spits coffee all over her MacBook 2) Grandma posts are the BEST! I would say it was the equivalent to my beloved grandma sending me coupons back in the 80s - we didn't have internet, but how I loved that her method of forwarding something and thinking of me was sending coupons for things like "Crisco" or "Spam." Digging this.

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  2. I think perhaps my Grandma is either receiving your Grandma's emails or visa versa. I have seen just about all of these from her! Too funny!!!

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  3. Oh MAN. I wish I still had living grandparents so I could get some of these gems!

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  4. Lmfao, you're grandma is something else.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beaner
    there's your beaner definition lol

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  5. I love me a good racist joke. One of me roommates is a beaner and if there is ever an opportunity to make a joke about it, I will gladly take it. There's a donkey on tv? I just stare at her until she notices that I noticed. Someone mentions a tunnel? I ask her if she's having flashbacks of how she got into this country. She eats anything with a tortilla? I have to point it out fifty times.

    She wasn't actually born in Mexico, but one of her parents is of Mexican descent. (His name is also Juan, which I just have to remind my audience of and it's hilarious.) My other roommate is Chinese, so as you can imagine, the gems I get from that one! I think that's mainly the reason I live with them...

    So you know, if your grandma's ever looking for another person to forward racist emails to... my inbox is always open.

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  6. My mom has called all babies 'lil beaners' until this past Christmas when someone told her 'beaner' meant 'hispanic' . Ever since then, she has continued to call babies beaners, she just says it with a hint of shame in her voice

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  7. Lmfao, you're grandma is something else.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beaner
    there's your beaner definition lol

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  8. Oh MAN. I wish I still had living grandparents so I could get some of these gems!

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  9. I was going to start a blog called "emails my grandma sends me" because she's asked me to stop refuting her racist and anti-Muslim emails (I DID Hit "reply all" a couple times).  Unfaithful and the girl who basically wrote s tribute to her grandma's sweet emails on tumblr, I feel like a jerk.  Thanks for sharing!  I was moving her messages into separate golden, but a couple years ago we all missed her Christmas secret Santa Email and a a big family fight started, so now I  at least open them.  

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