Thursday, March 31, 2011

Letters to Myself

I went through an exercise recently at work that inspired me.  They asked me, "What Advice Would You Give Your 16 Year Old SELF?"

I naturally replied, "You are NOT fat.  Wear bikinis as often as possible."

Probably not what they were expecting...but it was the first thing that came to mind.  I remember being riddled with self esteem issues and hating the way I looked.  I see pictures now and think, "That's sad....if only I knew then what I know now."

I have been thinking about it a lot lately - what would I say past versions of myself?  What would I say to old ass future versions of myself?   Like any true nerd, I got all time traveler, space/time continuum with it  - fearing a "Butterfly Effect" a la Ashton Kutcher.  But I still decided to just write myself a few letters.  Perhaps I am too late to affect the past - but this blog post right now can be a time capsule/Quantum Leap for my future.

So here goes nothing... and please know, if this causes some weird Butterfly Effect and now all the world is one big episode of Jersey Shore, I apologize.  These things are impossible to predict.

Dear 16 Year Old HauteMess,

I repeat, You are not fat! This is the hottest your body will ever look. (blame the beer and Honey BBQ Fritos from Freshman year at college) For now,  Skinny dip! Flash someone! Walk around in tight clothing as often as possible. You want the image of your perfect, perky 16 year old tits and ass ingrained in someone's mind forever...because trust me, you won't remember it as clearly.
Skip school!  You are still going to be the valedictorian and be successful in life - but you will never know if it is really as fun as The O.C., One Tree Hill, 90210, and Gossip Girl make it seem.  This is a quintessential high school experience that you will miss!

Don't forget to tell your friends you love them.  One of them won't live to see your graduation, and you don't want to wonder if he knew he was your best friend.  He knew.  But avoid the regret now - just tell everyone you love them!

SPOILER ALERT: Those boys you date - they are going to be a distant memory that makes you chuckle some day.  Those assholes at school - they are still going to be assholes, but that doesn't mean you can't tip them well when you visit the local Bob Evans where they are currently busing tables.  Your best friends - they are still going to be there for you even when you get really, really bad at keeping in touch.  Enjoy life! You worry too much for a 16 year old!
28 Year Old HauteMess.

Dear 80 Year Old HauteMess,
First of all, I'm sorry.  I never thought you would live this long...and I sort of hoped they would have a cure for everything by now.  Oops.
Just remember though, every time your liver pains you - those glasses of wine are fond memories:  Trips to wine country after your first half marathon.  Late night game nights with the girls.  The many first dates that were lubricated by booze.  The infamy you attained with a karaoke mic in your right hand and a shot of tequila in your left.  Drinking wine by the bottle and making out with strangers at Lollapalooza.  The undoubted debauchery that I don't even know about yet at Coachella 2011 (3 weeks from now) and your legendary 30th birthday. (theme still TBD)

They say that you regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you I am considering having more sex.  I mean...when boyfriends are few and far between, exceptions must be made.  You'll have to let me know how that turned out!

I hope you are happy.  That's all I ever wanted for you.

I hope you still swear like a sailor and tell dirty jokes.  If your nieces and nephews (because I still doubt you have children and grandchildren of your own) beg you to keep it clean in front of the grand-nieces, tell them to "Shove it up their ass like Richard Gere with a gerbil."  

I picture you as a taller, more glamorous Sophia Petrillo, wearing red lipstick and sequins, living in Florida and driving a golf cart and sassing anyone who will listen.  Whenever you go out, you wear too much make up, too many jewels, and the best push up bra on the market.  I like to believe that you never pay for your own drinks because your flirtation with the 23 year old bartender covers that tab. (remember? 23 year olds just LOVE me!)  You are undoubtedly one hot octogenarian!

But remember:  No glove, no love! Don't be a statistic...we all know old people are spreading STDs like wildfire.   Our vagina is a temple!  Just because you don't worry about having babies anymore doesn't mean she doesn't need to be protected!

28 Year Old HauteMess.


  1. This is quite clever. It made me chuckle plenty :) If you don't mind, I might borrow this idea for my next blog...

  2. Go for it! I was actually thinking about having readers submit Letters to their 16 and 80 year old selves...but then I just got too excited and pressed publish! I would LOVE to read yours. :)

  3. Thanks, love!

  4. LOL! You know what, I didn't even think that at 16 my body was hotter than what it is now.. Those were definitely the days.



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