Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Coachella In Review

I shall sum up my experience in the desert of Indio, California with a play on words from the Stephen King classic "The Shining:"
All booze, no water makes HauteMess a very fun/irritable girl.

I had a fantabulous vacation, filled with wake up mimosas, days spent beside the pool, sweaty concerts, and hazy memories of some of the best nights of my life. (I think...)

And now, I shall bore you with Short Stories that are likely only funny to those of us who were actually there... ENJOY!

HauteMess Stages an EFFING Coup
Apparently, in Palm Springs at the Spa Casino, you can't drop the F-bomb.  I found this out the hard way.  And by hard way, I mean that I started drinking at approximately noon that day and by 11pm it was very challenging for me to remember that "FUCK" was a forbidden word in the casino.
Me: You busted? Fuck that noise.
Pit Boss: Excuse me, ma'am, no 'f word.'
Me: I can't say FUCK?
Pit Boss: No
Me: Well that blows.

Me: I am so fucking excited for Coachella!
Pit Boss: I won't warn you again - no 'f word.'
Overweight CardShark: Shit. These cards suck.
Me: WAIT! He can say SHIT, and I can't say FUCK?
Pit Boss: That's correct. It's an unfair world we live in. *dragging his index finger across his neck as if threatening to cut my jugular*

Me: *spotting a large group of males* Hi, Guys! Having fun?
Guys: Yep. Just pre-gaming it up before Coachella.  We see you have a wristband, too.  We should totes hang out!
Me: Yep - def.  But first, I need to ask for a favor.  In about 15 minutes, I am going to start yelling "FUCK" like a kid with tourettes.  Apparently, they can serve alcohol and steal money from gamblers - but I can't drop a little f-bomb here or there.  Wanna join me?
Guys: You can't say FUCK?  That's fucking dumb. We're in.

See above....different group of guys, less attractive than the first, but more enthusiastic.

Guys: .....   ......   .....  Fuck? (in hushed tones)
Not to worry....anyone who was affiliated with me promptly exited the casino and escorted me home.

HauteMess Curses Out Coachella
It is always a risk to build up an event in your head as the greatest thing you will ever experience...especially when it falls short of your expectations on the bumpy, carsick inducing 1hour cab ride TO the festival...then again when dropped off 2 miles away from the entrance added insult to injury...and then walking in to find out that alcohol is only allowed within a fenced in area...and that specified answer is not nearly close enough to the bands you want to see....and everyone in your group wants to pack into the sardine can of a beer tent to chug as many brews as possible before sweating our faces off while watching amazing shows from really really far away.

By 9:30 PM, I admitted to my sister-in-law (SIL) that I "sort of hate Coachella."  She shouted, "MEEE TOOOO!"  We then conspired to get the fuck out of took 45 minutes to walk to the cab stand...including the time we saved by hiring a 65 year old man on a rickshaw to pedal us one of the 2.5 miles it takes to get a safe ride home.  $80 and 60 carsick minutes later - I was updating my twitter and facebook status to declare my hate for all things Coachella.   I swore never to return.

On Sunday, I was back to see my beloved Kanye.  To be honest, Phantogram, Ratatat, Duck Sauce, and The National rocked my world!  Kanye - not so much.  He played all my favorite hits...but he didn't do anything outrageous or particularly which I replied with an "F-Bomb" filled rant about "how a headliner at Coachella should have at least 1 "Come to Jesus" moment...and if you are Kanye, you should have like 20. NOT ZERO!" I may have finished the weekend with a giant, "FUCK KANYE!" Note: I actually liked (not loved) Kanye...but the booze and 95 degree heat made me a little crazy.

I'm tired...I will have to tell you my other short stories later this week.


  1. No eff words? I would have been bounced within a foot of the front door. I need to hear the rest of this weekend.

  2. That's fucking weak! Wish I were there to help you with the FUCKING Pitt Boss. I'd have been all over that FUCKING hypocritical bullshit! Sorry, Coachella sucked, but according to twitter-ites, you aren't the only one to express your feelings of fucked-upped-ness about it.

  3. I'm really intimidated by large festivals like this one. As awesome as I think it is to see so many great performers in one place, the number of fans, inability to watch said performer with a beverage in hand, and feeling genuinely claustrophic 90% of the time is a giant deterrent to me. Though I'll still be hitting up Super Ball (big Phish festie) this summer.

    I'm jealous you saw Duck Sauce. I imagine they put on a good show :)

    And what the hell?! I've never heard of places where you can't drop an f-bomb. Ridiculous.

  4. Yes - music festivals are unlike any is all about the ADD of the event and knowing that you can never see everything you want to see. But if a festival is run really well, with the fans in mind - it can be great! Lollapalooza, Jazzfest, and Rothbury are all great examples.

    Duck Sauce was so fun - I walked up immediately as they started Barbara Streisand.

    I should have yelled "They can take our lives, but they can never take our fucking free speech!"

  5. I so wish you were there, too! I would love to see the look on the little man's face when we verbally assualted his ears with words that would make our mothers' cry!

  6. More stories went up today!

    And yes, I made it all of 5 minutes before the threat of expulsion. Stupid casino!



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